Venting Losing more hope, healthy lifestyle failing

[platypusfan]

I am not going to ctb until I have tried literally everything else but the thing that everyone says works has failed me. Which is trying to get healthy.. people always blame depression on the person living an unhealthy lifestyle but this is so far from true. I wish it was that simple to get rid of but now I know for sure it isn't. For about a year I completely changed myself, or at least from the things I could change. I went to the gym 5 times a week, I learned to meditate everyday, I started a gratitude journal, I ate less sugar, I have been clean from self harm, I went outside more. Yet here I am, still wanting to die. Why?? I don't understand this. Sure, all of this has helped in some way, there is a little less anxiety and I have better control over my thoughts but to me depression doesn't equal thoughts it's more like this heavy feeling pushing down on me. Is there really nothing else I can do?? Or do I just have to keep living like this for a few years and it'll get better… idk, but there are some things I can't change by myself like my lack of connection, my insomnia, how I look, how my family treats me, my intelligence, my physical illness. These things still bother me. I feel like I am grasping onto tiny threads of hope that are leading nowhere.

 

[MrDarkness]

Wanting to die isn't a normal thing, either due to your brain being wired differently, or an imbalanced. No shame in it, maybe medication can help? Most people find peace when doing something they love. I hope your able to find peace

 

[Baron]

I admire you for being able to change yourself like that, I would never be able to do that. It's hard to change your opinion n on something when you truly believe it. I don't believe I'm able to change my opinion on life, but in the end it's just an opinion. I don't think there's a right way to live or die. People should just do what they want to do. But in the end that's way too optimistic.