Sorry this is gonna be a bit of a long one. I just can't have it in my head all the time. sorry.
For the first time in many many years I was starting to see there was a possibility of things being different. I mean, okay, I was resigned to the fact that I would never be 'okay'. Or probably what other people would class as that, but I just wanted the intensity of everything to calm down- to not deal with the near constant intrusive thoughts. The guilt of everything. Being alone and on and on and on. And it did for a bit, for a bit I stepped back into myself again. Everything wasn't one big massive struggle. I just felt the weigh of it leave. I don't know I didn't feel so trapped, so stuck into cycles I couldn't control or understand. This has been for the last year or maybe year and half and before that things were real bad for a number of years.
I can feel in all creeping back onto me. I feel like doing less and less again. I'm starting to feel that disconnect and distance between me and the people I care about. Life seems meaningless and pointless. The future seems terrifying and something not meant for me. My world is starting to shrink again. The totally crushing feelings of depression, hopelessness, apathy, fear, grief and confusion come to sit with me again. The weigh of it all builds up again and again. I still don't feel in control, i know where this heads and that scares the shit out of me. I don't want to do all of this again. I don't want to keep dipping in and out of this for the rest of my life. Which leads me to think why am i participating in this whole show again. It's all false hope. It ends in the same outcome. It crashes, i crash and end up with the same soul destroying thoughts and feelings that i still don't know how to cope with. It's just a head fuck. It's exhausting.
I've been trying to get help too. Throughout the whole time I have been but the past year or whatever it is i'v been able to tap into that more clearly because my thoughts weren't so confused and dark and conflicting. I really thought this would be it this time. I know i'm extremely naive to think i would never feel bad again, but its not that i've had it dip before, this feels like a slide right back into that hole I tried so hard to claw myself out from last time. It just makes me questions everything. I'm terrified the therapy won't work properly because i am irredeemable. Because i'm in this mindset again. one which i;ve been repeatedly told makes it difficult for me to 'engage' in the therapy. i just i dont know what if this is it what if it was just some false hope. Even if it isnt false hope i don't know if i have it in me to do this all over again. It took years last time just to get back to a pathetic level of functioning of getting up and showered and calling that a good day.
I can see where this goes. Yet i still dont know what to do. Im scared. what if ill never know what if im just at the mercy of this for the rest of my life. i dont know i cant even tell anymore if im just being fucking dramatic. I dont really trust myself at the moment. i just want something, but i think i am and have been the whole time just desperately clinging onto false hope.
They way things are, do i really want to be here anyway. im such a fucking coward. i never should have been here in the first place.
im wasting my time. im wasting my life. im a lost cause.
i dont wanna play this game. i dont wanna be in this show.
For the first time in many many years I was starting to see there was a possibility of things being different. I mean, okay, I was resigned to the fact that I would never be 'okay'. Or probably what other people would class as that, but I just wanted the intensity of everything to calm down- to not deal with the near constant intrusive thoughts. The guilt of everything. Being alone and on and on and on. And it did for a bit, for a bit I stepped back into myself again. Everything wasn't one big massive struggle. I just felt the weigh of it leave. I don't know I didn't feel so trapped, so stuck into cycles I couldn't control or understand. This has been for the last year or maybe year and half and before that things were real bad for a number of years.
I can feel in all creeping back onto me. I feel like doing less and less again. I'm starting to feel that disconnect and distance between me and the people I care about. Life seems meaningless and pointless. The future seems terrifying and something not meant for me. My world is starting to shrink again. The totally crushing feelings of depression, hopelessness, apathy, fear, grief and confusion come to sit with me again. The weigh of it all builds up again and again. I still don't feel in control, i know where this heads and that scares the shit out of me. I don't want to do all of this again. I don't want to keep dipping in and out of this for the rest of my life. Which leads me to think why am i participating in this whole show again. It's all false hope. It ends in the same outcome. It crashes, i crash and end up with the same soul destroying thoughts and feelings that i still don't know how to cope with. It's just a head fuck. It's exhausting.
I've been trying to get help too. Throughout the whole time I have been but the past year or whatever it is i'v been able to tap into that more clearly because my thoughts weren't so confused and dark and conflicting. I really thought this would be it this time. I know i'm extremely naive to think i would never feel bad again, but its not that i've had it dip before, this feels like a slide right back into that hole I tried so hard to claw myself out from last time. It just makes me questions everything. I'm terrified the therapy won't work properly because i am irredeemable. Because i'm in this mindset again. one which i;ve been repeatedly told makes it difficult for me to 'engage' in the therapy. i just i dont know what if this is it what if it was just some false hope. Even if it isnt false hope i don't know if i have it in me to do this all over again. It took years last time just to get back to a pathetic level of functioning of getting up and showered and calling that a good day.
I can see where this goes. Yet i still dont know what to do. Im scared. what if ill never know what if im just at the mercy of this for the rest of my life. i dont know i cant even tell anymore if im just being fucking dramatic. I dont really trust myself at the moment. i just want something, but i think i am and have been the whole time just desperately clinging onto false hope.
They way things are, do i really want to be here anyway. im such a fucking coward. i never should have been here in the first place.
im wasting my time. im wasting my life. im a lost cause.
i dont wanna play this game. i dont wanna be in this show.
