KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,655
I don't doubt that many of us are here because we have been utterly failed and discarded by the institutions that were supposed to protect and support us.
A lot of the optimism and hope in this world relies upon having blind faith and trust in others.
However, most (albeit, not all) suicidal people have been significantly betrayed at some point in our lives, whether it was by the adults tasked to protect us during the ephemeral period of childhood innocence, friends and lovers who charmed us later in life, peers who we respected and admired , bosses who exuded great influence over us, etc.
Many therapies and modalities of cognitive processing rely on the tenants of stoicism, coupled with the assurance that those above us in the hierarchy (doctors, therapists, social workers, etc) are truly concerned and only have our best interest in mind when dealing with us. So what happens when our reality contradicts the constsnt adulation of authority?
Usually, a whole lot of victim blaming, a gradual wearing away at your resolve in an attempt to push acquiesence of the status quo and the belief that there is someone else out there who knows your mind and body better than you do.
Of course, in this paradigm, there is always someone who knows your situation far better than you do, and thus they will deny your if your request is seen as negative and defeatist (ie. Wanting to ctb if you have an incurable illness)
I understand the need for hope. The belief that better days are ahead is what keeps the world turning. However, authority figures often simply refuse to admit when something is hopeless or they are unable to help with an issue. Sometimes, they can't even grapple with the harrowing nature of the problem, and either try to downplay the concern, block it out, or blame the victim.
I think when you are unlucky enough to experience this disconnect, your entire worldview shatters. Why is that? From day one we are told to trust authority figures like doctors, parents, teachers. It is very hard to survive if you cannot trust the people in your network-when suspicion and fear sow the seeds of discontent and anxiety within us, it is nearly impossible to uproot them. Betrayals of trust, especially during childhood, leave scars that brand you for a lifetime.
If you are an average pro-lifer, odds are you're going to suggest that a suicidal person call a hotline, seek out therapy/medication, or voluntarily detain themselves to a psych ward. These suggestions are fine and good if no one has ever tried these things before, but the fact of the matter- a truth that all too neglected, mind you- is that chronically suicidal people have very likely been burned by these so called helping hands, rather than healed by them.
On this forum alone, there are hundreds of threads detailing people's horrific experiences with health care (particularly in the realm of psychiatry and chronic illness management) hotlines, mental hospitals, and psychology. These are not isolated, rare incidents. The anecdotes and stories shared by members here reflect the harrowing nightmare of what comes to fruition when institutional power is left unchecked and unamended. When you try to use a one size fits all approach for matters as intricate as the human brain, you are setting yourself up for failure, yet that is what the mental health conglomerate does every single day.
It is an entirely different story, when you examine the outbursts of the opposition. They think every ailment can be healed. You will have people who pulled out of a temporary spell of melancholy try to compare their progression to that of someone who has suffered severe depression, ptsd, chronic pain, DID, bipolar, etc for years, if not decades. It is wonderful that they are no longer suffering, but acute and prolonged distress are two very different beasts.
Someone with an impulsive, short term affliction who took Prozac for 2 months and experienced the placebo effect cannot accurately perceive the hell that an individual with something like say, DID, experiences after being trialled on dozens of drugs (accompanied by unpleasant or intolerable side effects) that aren't designed for that person's specific issue.
The problem lies in the fact that these people haven't experienced the neglect and abuse that is commonplace when you interact with these sectors long term. If someone's only experience with health care is breaking their arm, then being promptly tended to and treated with kindness by the staff in A&E, of course they will not hesitate to trust these services in the future.
It is hard for them to imagine how destitute places like psych wards can be, if the individual in question- or a loved one- has never stepped foot behind those padlocked doors. They simply have no frame of reference.
I believe that maintaining faith in the system is what keeps a good majority of people going. The fact that there's always other options, whether that's another treatment to try, or a fresh opinion that they can seek out, motivates the average person to keep reaching out and interacting with health care services.
However, if you have an incurable illness that doesn't respond to ahy treatments, or the etiology of the condition remains unknown, you will often face abuse when interacting with the system. This applies to "difficult" or annoying cases as well, where someone has multiple problems or the issue is not clear cut. Once you are labeled as a complex case, they will see you in an entirely different light.
If you have unique needs or accommodations, or you decide to advocate for yourself and not tolerate their coercion or bullying, doctors will treat you like a pariah. This is something that is ignored and brushed aside due to the adulation and hero worship of medical professionals in our society. There is little to no sympathy for those who are wary of them due to trauma.
A staff member of the NHS decided to file a safeguarding report on me to the local social services, after the incident where I insisted that my partner advocate for me due to my selective mutism and trauma. That idiotic woman was spilling details of my sexual abuse for everyone on the street to hear, and my boyfriend told her to stop. Because of this, I now have social workers interrogating me.
The questions I was asked and the fact that I was not allowed to let my partner speak during these conversations completely blew their cover, as they were obviously trying to be subtle about the fact that some busybody knob decided that me wanting consent and advocacy in my healthcare decisions = I am being abused and being kept away from necessary medical interventions by my partner.
I do not blame the social service staff, as the person I spoke to was very kind to me and genuinely did try to understand what was going on. They even wanted to provide assistance for my disabilities by the end of the conversation, but truly had no idea I was even disabled, as the NHS only seemed to care about the fake abuse narrative.
Worst of all, I was told by other people that all of this was for my own good, and that the case being opened with the social worker was out of concern for my health and wellbeing. The exact same lines I was drip fed when I was made to take antidepressants whilst I was suffering from physical health issues that were fobbed off and treated as "mental illness."
How am I supposed to believe anything is for the sake of my wellbeing when my trust and confidentiality is consistently broken? Do you know how scary it is to have a stranger with a restricted number phoning you up and somehow knowing loads of personal details about your life that you haven't shared with anyone but the NHS?
I will now be permanently infantalized, as this shit will be on my medical records. I genuinely believe the NHS thinks I'm intellectually impaired due to Autism, and that I'm a weak, vunerable young woman who lets men stomp all over me. When actually, these people are the ones not respecting my bodily autonomy and personal freedom.
This demonstrates that once you have no trust in these institutions, you have no one to turn to. The NPCs of this world will parrot over and over again that you must seek professional help, but if the professionals are hurting you due to the beurocratic policies they have in place, then what? Of course, you will be told to keep trying until you find the "right one", a magical unicorn that may exist for some, but not everyone.
This lunacy extends far beyond the health care industry, it oozes into every single aspects of our lives, like a pernicious tumor. Off the top of my head, another insitution that I can think of that blatantly fails and neglects people is the education system.
Learning and memory are complex processes that interplay with many genetic and environmental factors. Someone's style of learning may be completely different to their peers, and so the teaching they receive may need to accommodate for this. However, in our current system, those with learning disabilities, impairments, and differences are always left behind and blamed. There is no meritocracy, usually the naturally gifted stay at the top, while those who made gradual improvements are still labeled as failures for their inability to reach perfection.
When concerns are raised about the conduct of teaching staff or how material is being relayed to students, universities hardly ever side with their students, despite this populace being the paying customers and the lifeblood keeping the ivory towers erect. Rugged individualism and victim blaming runs deep within uni culture no matter where you go. If you can't self teach everything (even for subjects as complex as medicine, physics, maths, and so on) then you are seen as lazy, uninspired, and incapable. If you can't conform to the system with minimal adjustments, then you are the problem.
When someone genuinely values learning and intellectual curiosity, only to be told they aren't good enough for university because they can't score well on an exam, it is the ultimate fuck you from these institutions. Imparting long lasting knowledge and wisdom means absolutely nothing in academia, all that matters is how high you can score on an exam you crammed for the week before.
Once you realise what a scam all the stress you put yourself under for your degree is, how can you not be crushed? How could one not feel suicidal knowing that evrruone around you passively embraces a system that chews them up and spits them out? It is the exact same story with corporate and hustle culture, you are treated like a loser for wanting labor reforms and thinking there are serious issues with our current model of work.
I feel like once you reach this point of no longer trusting the system and wanting to play the game, it is almost guarenteed you will experience suicidalility, as these feelings essentially becon isolation and ostracisation from your peers.
It's the middle of the night and I'm rambling quite a lot, so I'll stop here. Anyone else have any thoughts on this manner? Did losing faith in the life script contribute to your desire for ctb?
A lot of the optimism and hope in this world relies upon having blind faith and trust in others.
However, most (albeit, not all) suicidal people have been significantly betrayed at some point in our lives, whether it was by the adults tasked to protect us during the ephemeral period of childhood innocence, friends and lovers who charmed us later in life, peers who we respected and admired , bosses who exuded great influence over us, etc.
Many therapies and modalities of cognitive processing rely on the tenants of stoicism, coupled with the assurance that those above us in the hierarchy (doctors, therapists, social workers, etc) are truly concerned and only have our best interest in mind when dealing with us. So what happens when our reality contradicts the constsnt adulation of authority?
Usually, a whole lot of victim blaming, a gradual wearing away at your resolve in an attempt to push acquiesence of the status quo and the belief that there is someone else out there who knows your mind and body better than you do.
Of course, in this paradigm, there is always someone who knows your situation far better than you do, and thus they will deny your if your request is seen as negative and defeatist (ie. Wanting to ctb if you have an incurable illness)
I understand the need for hope. The belief that better days are ahead is what keeps the world turning. However, authority figures often simply refuse to admit when something is hopeless or they are unable to help with an issue. Sometimes, they can't even grapple with the harrowing nature of the problem, and either try to downplay the concern, block it out, or blame the victim.
I think when you are unlucky enough to experience this disconnect, your entire worldview shatters. Why is that? From day one we are told to trust authority figures like doctors, parents, teachers. It is very hard to survive if you cannot trust the people in your network-when suspicion and fear sow the seeds of discontent and anxiety within us, it is nearly impossible to uproot them. Betrayals of trust, especially during childhood, leave scars that brand you for a lifetime.
If you are an average pro-lifer, odds are you're going to suggest that a suicidal person call a hotline, seek out therapy/medication, or voluntarily detain themselves to a psych ward. These suggestions are fine and good if no one has ever tried these things before, but the fact of the matter- a truth that all too neglected, mind you- is that chronically suicidal people have very likely been burned by these so called helping hands, rather than healed by them.
On this forum alone, there are hundreds of threads detailing people's horrific experiences with health care (particularly in the realm of psychiatry and chronic illness management) hotlines, mental hospitals, and psychology. These are not isolated, rare incidents. The anecdotes and stories shared by members here reflect the harrowing nightmare of what comes to fruition when institutional power is left unchecked and unamended. When you try to use a one size fits all approach for matters as intricate as the human brain, you are setting yourself up for failure, yet that is what the mental health conglomerate does every single day.
It is an entirely different story, when you examine the outbursts of the opposition. They think every ailment can be healed. You will have people who pulled out of a temporary spell of melancholy try to compare their progression to that of someone who has suffered severe depression, ptsd, chronic pain, DID, bipolar, etc for years, if not decades. It is wonderful that they are no longer suffering, but acute and prolonged distress are two very different beasts.
Someone with an impulsive, short term affliction who took Prozac for 2 months and experienced the placebo effect cannot accurately perceive the hell that an individual with something like say, DID, experiences after being trialled on dozens of drugs (accompanied by unpleasant or intolerable side effects) that aren't designed for that person's specific issue.
The problem lies in the fact that these people haven't experienced the neglect and abuse that is commonplace when you interact with these sectors long term. If someone's only experience with health care is breaking their arm, then being promptly tended to and treated with kindness by the staff in A&E, of course they will not hesitate to trust these services in the future.
It is hard for them to imagine how destitute places like psych wards can be, if the individual in question- or a loved one- has never stepped foot behind those padlocked doors. They simply have no frame of reference.
I believe that maintaining faith in the system is what keeps a good majority of people going. The fact that there's always other options, whether that's another treatment to try, or a fresh opinion that they can seek out, motivates the average person to keep reaching out and interacting with health care services.
However, if you have an incurable illness that doesn't respond to ahy treatments, or the etiology of the condition remains unknown, you will often face abuse when interacting with the system. This applies to "difficult" or annoying cases as well, where someone has multiple problems or the issue is not clear cut. Once you are labeled as a complex case, they will see you in an entirely different light.
If you have unique needs or accommodations, or you decide to advocate for yourself and not tolerate their coercion or bullying, doctors will treat you like a pariah. This is something that is ignored and brushed aside due to the adulation and hero worship of medical professionals in our society. There is little to no sympathy for those who are wary of them due to trauma.
A staff member of the NHS decided to file a safeguarding report on me to the local social services, after the incident where I insisted that my partner advocate for me due to my selective mutism and trauma. That idiotic woman was spilling details of my sexual abuse for everyone on the street to hear, and my boyfriend told her to stop. Because of this, I now have social workers interrogating me.
The questions I was asked and the fact that I was not allowed to let my partner speak during these conversations completely blew their cover, as they were obviously trying to be subtle about the fact that some busybody knob decided that me wanting consent and advocacy in my healthcare decisions = I am being abused and being kept away from necessary medical interventions by my partner.
I do not blame the social service staff, as the person I spoke to was very kind to me and genuinely did try to understand what was going on. They even wanted to provide assistance for my disabilities by the end of the conversation, but truly had no idea I was even disabled, as the NHS only seemed to care about the fake abuse narrative.
Worst of all, I was told by other people that all of this was for my own good, and that the case being opened with the social worker was out of concern for my health and wellbeing. The exact same lines I was drip fed when I was made to take antidepressants whilst I was suffering from physical health issues that were fobbed off and treated as "mental illness."
How am I supposed to believe anything is for the sake of my wellbeing when my trust and confidentiality is consistently broken? Do you know how scary it is to have a stranger with a restricted number phoning you up and somehow knowing loads of personal details about your life that you haven't shared with anyone but the NHS?
I will now be permanently infantalized, as this shit will be on my medical records. I genuinely believe the NHS thinks I'm intellectually impaired due to Autism, and that I'm a weak, vunerable young woman who lets men stomp all over me. When actually, these people are the ones not respecting my bodily autonomy and personal freedom.
This demonstrates that once you have no trust in these institutions, you have no one to turn to. The NPCs of this world will parrot over and over again that you must seek professional help, but if the professionals are hurting you due to the beurocratic policies they have in place, then what? Of course, you will be told to keep trying until you find the "right one", a magical unicorn that may exist for some, but not everyone.
This lunacy extends far beyond the health care industry, it oozes into every single aspects of our lives, like a pernicious tumor. Off the top of my head, another insitution that I can think of that blatantly fails and neglects people is the education system.
Learning and memory are complex processes that interplay with many genetic and environmental factors. Someone's style of learning may be completely different to their peers, and so the teaching they receive may need to accommodate for this. However, in our current system, those with learning disabilities, impairments, and differences are always left behind and blamed. There is no meritocracy, usually the naturally gifted stay at the top, while those who made gradual improvements are still labeled as failures for their inability to reach perfection.
When concerns are raised about the conduct of teaching staff or how material is being relayed to students, universities hardly ever side with their students, despite this populace being the paying customers and the lifeblood keeping the ivory towers erect. Rugged individualism and victim blaming runs deep within uni culture no matter where you go. If you can't self teach everything (even for subjects as complex as medicine, physics, maths, and so on) then you are seen as lazy, uninspired, and incapable. If you can't conform to the system with minimal adjustments, then you are the problem.
When someone genuinely values learning and intellectual curiosity, only to be told they aren't good enough for university because they can't score well on an exam, it is the ultimate fuck you from these institutions. Imparting long lasting knowledge and wisdom means absolutely nothing in academia, all that matters is how high you can score on an exam you crammed for the week before.
Once you realise what a scam all the stress you put yourself under for your degree is, how can you not be crushed? How could one not feel suicidal knowing that evrruone around you passively embraces a system that chews them up and spits them out? It is the exact same story with corporate and hustle culture, you are treated like a loser for wanting labor reforms and thinking there are serious issues with our current model of work.
I feel like once you reach this point of no longer trusting the system and wanting to play the game, it is almost guarenteed you will experience suicidalility, as these feelings essentially becon isolation and ostracisation from your peers.
It's the middle of the night and I'm rambling quite a lot, so I'll stop here. Anyone else have any thoughts on this manner? Did losing faith in the life script contribute to your desire for ctb?
