Venting Loosing My Will To Die

[socrates]

I woke up this morning in absolute mental anguish. Shaking crying, hating myself more then I can state. This has been my average morning for about a month now. I know these are intrusive thoughts, but their are so many of them and I can't afford mental health treatment. So I decided to CTB. I started the beginning stages, clearing my phone of anything I didn't want others to see, throwing out some stuff I didn't want my parents to see. That part was hard because one of the items was a gift from my ex that had lots of sentimental attachment. And handling some financial stuff.

But as I prepared I started to feel better. All of those pesky intrusive thoughts didn't matter because I was going to die. Unfortunately now that I'm feeling a lot better I'm afraid I won't be able to go through with it. It's hard because I know that when tomorrow comes or maybe even later tonight I'll be in agony. None of my fears are going to go away, and my band won't be any closer to taking off. CTB solves everything, but it's also so hard to do. I'm tempted to trigger myself just so I can have the motivation to go through with it.

 

[CentreMid]

I'm very sorry you're in this situation. I know for some people, myself included, the thought of being so close to non-existence is comforting in a way, and it makes us feel the opposite of how we would expect to (as in, we feel at peace because we will die soon). Maybe that's what's happening with you? I don't think there is a right or wrong way to feel when you ctb, but it sounds to me like that's what's happening. My apologies if I'm misinterpreting your post though!

Anywho, best of luck in whatever you choose to do, and I hope you find peace. Take care.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm very sad to read this. I, myself, was never so close to this stage, to starting deleting "suspecious" stuff from my digital medias, including formatting hard drives and so on. But somehow it's sounds there might be still hopein you that things could change and it's not the time to go yet and there is still hope in you for things to change to change positive. I'm not the one who wants to stop anyone from doing what they really want to do, it's everyones own decision what they want to do and which is the right for them. But your post shows some uncertainity to me which you should think of again.

All my best wishes for you and your personal future. You may make the right decision.

 

[Das Nichts]

What's your method ?

 

[OceanBlue]

Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea

 

[socrates]

I'm very sorry you're in this situation. I know for some people, myself included, the thought of being so close to non-existence is comforting in a way, and it makes us feel the opposite of how we would expect to (as in, we feel at peace because we will die soon). Maybe that's what's happening with you? I don't think there is a right or wrong way to feel when you ctb, but it sounds to me like that's what's happening. My apologies if I'm misinterpreting your post though!

Anywho, best of luck in whatever you choose to do, and I hope you find peace. Take care.

Yeah, I think that's how I'm feeling. and thanks!

What's your method ?

Partial hanging. I'd like to do it in my car, I know a spot that's not to far, but that will be peaceful and I won't disturb anyone. I'm still researching it. I use to want an exit bag, but I can't wait that long, plus it's really complicated. I made a post about it on here earlier today asking questions, but I'm still waiting on answers.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds so tiring being trapped in that situation, I certainly find it horrible how difficult it is to die in this world, but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[juraviel]

well man you're in a bad spot but also you can see yourself that there are things that make you feel better and you could recover if you just could afford treatment - get a lone, do you anything you can to meet with a specialist. surely there are people that will help for free? US is so fucked in this regard..