Looking for people to talk about how much this site has helped them

[SanJunipero1]

Hi all,

Long time lurker, first time poster!

My fiancé took his life in August of last year following a losing battle with a serious autoimmune disease and the deep depression that came with it. After initially being furious with him for leaving me and launching myself into suicide prevention campaigns etc; I myself became suicidal at the end of last year. Having experienced that agony for myself, not only was I not angry with him anymore, I was glad he was finally free from the pain. A pain I myself no longer want to live with, certainly not in a world without him in it.

I found my way to this site like most, looking for the best method to end my life in the least distressing way. I found that and decided on hanging. Following the multiple posts with advice here, I set up for partial and would "practise" regularly, it would calm me down in my most acute episodes, knowing that I had a way out.

What I was surprised to find though, coming in with all the preconceived notions of the media's demonisation of suicide forums was how incredibly kind, supportive and compassionate this place is.
Even though I didn't interact and just read others posts, having a place where people can openly discuss and explore suicidal ideation and a recognition of one's right to self determination helped me immeasurably.

I had initially planned to take my life on the 11 of April which is when we would've had our civil partnership. I have since decided to wait and see what the new post pandemic world will look like and whether there's a place for me in it.

I'm now writing a memoir about grief and suicide and I really want to make a case that the whole "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" is incredibly damaging both for survivors of suicide (implying you could've done something to stop your loved one when that's not always the case) and for those reaching out to helplines etc and not getting help (Like I did. One helpline suggested colouring which funnily enough did fuck all to alleviate the collapse of my entire universe!).
I want to advocate that while for some those ressources CAN be a lifeline, it's not a one size fits all and that actually open discussion and exploration of one's self determination are better tools.

So, all this to say, this place really helped me and I'd love to help get rid of some of the stigma surrounding suicide forums. I'll be discussing all this in my book (without mentioning the site specifically obviously) and would love to include testimonials from anyone who would like to anonymously share their story and how this site has helped keep you alive.
I'd also love to hear from people how the lockdown is affecting your suicidal thoughts/impulses.

Thanks and thanks to everyone on here who shows nothing but love, compassion and understanding to those in the worst pain known to man. I'm sorry you all find yourselves here but grateful for a community who gets it.


x

 

[jgm63]

I made a thread a while ago to try to gather some data related to this :
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/why-this-forum-isnt-one-dimensional.33692/
The thread never really took off (partly my fault for not giving it the effort / attention).
I suppose we could try to "revive it", or you could make a new version of it if you wish, or re-use bits of it, etc.

This post within the above thread has some useful data :
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/why-this-forum-isnt-one-dimensional.33692/post-622577

I also have this post, which could be interesting :
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/welcome-pro-lifers.33602/post-620500
(and the above thread in general could be interesting)

 

[mediocre]

Welcome to SS and I am so sorry for your loss

 

[SanJunipero1]

I made a thread a while ago to try to gather some data related to this :
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/why-this-forum-isnt-one-dimensional.33692/
The thread never really took off (partly my fault for not giving it the effort / attention).
I suppose we could try to "revive it", or you could make a new version of it if you wish, or re-use bits of it, etc.

This post within the above thread has some useful data :
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/why-this-forum-isnt-one-dimensional.33692/post-622577

I also have this post, which could be interesting :
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/welcome-pro-lifers.33602/post-620500
(and the above thread in general could be interesting)

Thank you for all these, I'll check them out for sure!

Welcome to SS and I am so sorry for your loss

Thank you.

 

[schopenh]

What autoimmune problem had your fiance?

 

[SanJunipero1]

What autoimmune problem had your fiance?

Sarcoidosis. He was diagnosed 3 years ago and every year for 6 months he'd be flat out, unable to get out of bed, trouble breathing, chest pain not to mention the anxiety attacks etc.

 

[bpdandme]

Welcome to SS!

I'm so sorry to hear about you loss and that you're feeling so low that you want to take your life. Please feel free to message me if you need to chat or vent!

 

[schopenh]

Sarcoidosis. He was diagnosed 3 years ago and every year for 6 months he'd be flat out, unable to get out of bed, trouble breathing, chest pain not to mention the anxiety attacks etc.

They probably had him pumped with corticosteroids and chemo agents :-/

 

[color_me_gone]

What I was surprised to find ... was how incredibly kind, supportive and compassionate this place is.

100% agree. This is one of VERY FEW forums on the internet where people are not backstabbing each other. Truly amazing how people with so many problems and such pain, can be so incredibly nice to each other.

having a place where people can openly discuss and explore suicidal ideation and a recognition of one's right to self determination helped me immeasurably.

My avatar "The sun is rising" is because I no longer want to ctb. This site is the main reason.

"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" is incredibly damaging

This is the problem with the mental healthcare industry. So condescending, from people who have no idea what it is like to be suicidal, or to suffer depression for 60+ years. It is a slap in the face.

This site has helped me more than therapy and meds.
So sad there are people striving to shut this site down.
Thank you for contemplating a book, and how this site is the best!

 

[Partial-Elf]

@SanJunipero1 You would probably enjoy the recent thread started by @William Barker for what you're trying to do. Really interesting stuff there.

Okay, to try to articulate how this site has been helpful to me:

• It gives me a place to vent feelings I can't share with anyone else, lest I risk being forcibly committed: suicidal thoughts, criticisms of the world that wouldn't sit well with mainstream folks, my own unfiltered story
• Most people don't understand the pain you're in, so they're always gaslighting you with platitudes like "it gets better." It makes me feel sane to see that there are others out there who have a similar outlook. Specifically: that people should have the unconditional right to opt out of life, and that it's unfair and inhumane not to provide medical assistance to that end
• There's a definite feeling of community here, regardless of how active you are. People are so supportive and do a great job of discouraging impulsive or ill informed attempts while also respecting that everyone should have the freedom to go if and when they please. I think the sense of community is furthered to some extent by the repeated attacks on the forum, which makes us feel protective of and grateful for the forum
• It's made suicide a lot more "real" to me as I've spectated several goodbye threads. Reading people's last thoughts and never seeing them post again is a powerful experience that I continue to think about in relation to my own death. Seeing the departure of popular forum members like Stan has also been influential S I weigh out the impact of my own decision
• I've been able to read up on methods so that if/when the time is right, I will be less likely to botch the job and end up worse off

I may think of more but that's what I have right now.

 

[Dead beat dad]

Hi all,

Long time lurker, first time poster!

My fiancé took his life in August of last year following a losing battle with a serious autoimmune disease and the deep depression that came with it. After initially being furious with him for leaving me and launching myself into suicide prevention campaigns etc; I myself became suicidal at the end of last year. Having experienced that agony for myself, not only was I not angry with him anymore, I was glad he was finally free from the pain. A pain I myself no longer want to live with, certainly not in a world without him in it.

I found my way to this site like most, looking for the best method to end my life in the least distressing way. I found that and decided on hanging. Following the multiple posts with advice here, I set up for partial and would "practise" regularly, it would calm me down in my most acute episodes, knowing that I had a way out.

What I was surprised to find though, coming in with all the preconceived notions of the media's demonisation of suicide forums was how incredibly kind, supportive and compassionate this place is.
Even though I didn't interact and just read others posts, having a place where people can openly discuss and explore suicidal ideation and a recognition of one's right to self determination helped me immeasurably.

I had initially planned to take my life on the 11 of April which is when we would've had our civil partnership. I have since decided to wait and see what the new post pandemic world will look like and whether there's a place for me in it.

I'm now writing a memoir about grief and suicide and I really want to make a case that the whole "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" is incredibly damaging both for survivors of suicide (implying you could've done something to stop your loved one when that's not always the case) and for those reaching out to helplines etc and not getting help (Like I did. One helpline suggested colouring which funnily enough did fuck all to alleviate the collapse of my entire universe!).
I want to advocate that while for some those ressources CAN be a lifeline, it's not a one size fits all and that actually open discussion and exploration of one's self determination are better tools.

So, all this to say, this place really helped me and I'd love to help get rid of some of the stigma surrounding suicide forums. I'll be discussing all this in my book (without mentioning the site specifically obviously) and would love to include testimonials from anyone who would like to anonymously share their story and how this site has helped keep you alive.
I'd also love to hear from people how the lockdown is affecting your suicidal thoughts/impulses.

Thanks and thanks to everyone on here who shows nothing but love, compassion and understanding to those in the worst pain known to man. I'm sorry you all find yourselves here but grateful for a community who gets it.


x

Hi friend, welcome to site. I'm am so sorry to hear about your story and the path you have walked and the sadness it has brought.
I think I understand where you're coming from having lost someone so close to suicide and that knock on impact to one's own mental wellbeing.
I'm sorry times have been so dark, but it sounds as though there is some light for you, if that is true I'm so glad to hear it and I sincerely hope that there is more light for you.
For what it is worth my story is similar to yours in respect of finding the site while looking for methods.
I can honestly say that I find this place a lifeline and I know that is the same for many.
It give me a place where I won't be judged for having suicidal thoughts and actively voicing them, which I think actually assauges these thoughts.
I have tried to share this with people 'in real life' and received nothing but we'll meaning trouble for it and so I no longer bother.
Anyway, I'm rambling, I hope that was sort of useful.
I hope you find what you are looking for friend.
DBD

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

A thread I started back in January that has much of my stance, and comments by others:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/what-do-you-wish-detractors-knew-about-this-forum.30355/

My overall opinion, continually reinforced after almost 3 months on this site:

What I've experienced, and what I've noticed with some other people, is that when you aren't allowed to talk about something culturally taboo like suicide, or when one represses ideation, it can become much bigger than it really is, and end up blocking being able to see what one really needs to see.

But when one talks about, researches, and plans for suicide, then suicide gets smaller, or at least returns to its appropriate dimensions, and hidden issues have a chance to surface, be discovered, and be dealt with. Being social animals, it is beneficial for us humans if we feel supported in such a process, rather than isolated with our fears and our demons, which also can become needlessly exaggerated and block what we need to reach.

Sometimes this process leads to following through on the ideation with more assuredness and therefore more likelihood of success rather than injury and/or hospitalization (physical and/or psychiatric); sometimes to postponement; and sometimes to a new ability and desire to go on living, also with the necessary assuredness that may have been lacking prior to facing and grappling with the forbidden.

Edit: For me, I did my research here, got advice, and unexpectedly worked out some deep issues I didn't realize had such power over me. Now I have two methods I'm confident in and have worked out a plan. I no longer feel pressured. The time is not right, but when it is, the plan is already worked out. Until then, and until/if I find another online forum that fits with my interests, SS keeps at bay the isolation caused by my external, suicide-motivating circumstances.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Welcome. Sorry you find yourself here. And so sorry to hear what brought you here.

I came here because my life had collapsed due to illness. I Lost almost everything.
I came here to learn how to die.
But then I made friends who actually listened to me, didn't judge me or try and tell me what I should be thinking or how I should be feeling.
We laughed with each other despite our mutual suffering.
They all left. I lost them and I grieved.
I turned to the forum for support and they looked after me and I started to take part more.
I met new people and made new friends and I learned a huge amount about myself from the compassion and wisdom of others on here.
Recently I've been making posts in the recovery forum.
I'm still ill, still finding it hard to cope and still uncertain of my future.
But I no longer think about death all the time.
I have no intention of abandoning my friends here even if by some miracle I was cured and could get my life back. I owe people much and it's a debt I'm priveledged to have.
I also remember those who have been lost and try to honour their memory.

Edit: I'd add my experience of doctors and psychiatry didn't help me, whilst people here did.
Psychs wanted to tell me that how I felt was wrong and what I thought was abnormal.
They wanted to fix this with medication.
But it is normal to be unhappy and afraid when facing chronic illness whilst largely alone.
You don't overcome such issues by medicating them away. You have to be able to talk about them and see them for what they really are.
You can't fight something you cant understand. You can't understand something you aren't allowed to explore honestly. And you can't be honest when in fear of reprisals.
These forums gave me a place to explore my issues and my nature, free from having my narrative re-written by professionals to suit their own disingenuous agenda.

 

[toomuchtimetodie]

This place seems to be keeping me level headed when I get very self involved in my thought patterns I feel so alone. It has all types of people here so shows suicide isn't just certain character traits. The mods do a great job of the evil people who post here it's not easy. Some people have fantastic ability to express a difference of opinion to others without offending anyone.
Where as like in life some are only here to express their view and are always right. All in all its a pleasure to be here.

 

[SanJunipero1]

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories and your feelings with such open honesty and candour. I so wish we were able to have such conversations in society. Who knows what the new world will look like but there's going to be such an enormous spike in suicides in and as a result of the pandemic that who knows, it may end up forcing the conversation as more people are affected, finally experience the pain of wanting to cease to exist themselves.

In any case, it's made me feel less alone and I know my love would've felt the same way had he found his way here.