IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ MY YAPPINGS AND JUST WANT TO ANSWER MY QUESTIONS RELATED TO MY METHOD JUST SCROLL AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS POST
ten days from now I have an entrance exam for masters which I would fail. But even if i succeeded i wouldn't be sure to continue down that path (computer science). I've made foolish decisions regarding the way i studied and i used to blame myself for it for the last few days but truly the real reason is simply the fact that i hate my "cold" major. I feel little to no motivation for it. Truama is a big word but In the last few years I've felt washed up so much because of quarantine. When the university reopened i found myself surrounded by people who made fun of and even bullied me. I felt truly alien there. In fact i've felt alien for a long time. I don't want to waste anyone's time so i just give the most reasons for my (potential) suicide reason:
Life advice:
These days i'm attacked by the hope that maybe i could finally get a master on something i truly love to study and not worry much about jobs. I could at least translate books or teach english. i may even find a girl that at least lets me touch her warmth. but it sometimes feel like wishful thinking. I have a love-hate relationship with my mom. she really did all the best for her children well-being and devoted her life. But that doesn't change the fact that it wasn't enough. Hell it's not even close. Growing up with an abusive dead-beat junkie dad that did drug in front of us? nothing can fix that. she had a really hard life and i pity her but sometimes i come to the conclusion that she chose this abusive life. her brother once encouraged and even supported her through a potential divorce but not only she rejected it but also continued to give birth to two more miserable children growing up in poverty in an isolated small town. This really boils my blood. Beside these i have a best friend which is not a problem cause he'd understand. As of life part: Which advice could you give me? what should i do? can my life be saved? if not is it justifiable to go down despite having a girl friend and a mom with a past?
As of the suicide part:
I may go down the SN method which i called it off one year ago. The only wish I have is to have my body not being able to find. I really hate the idea of people shouting islamic chants over my dead body in my funeral. In fact I hate it so much that If I wasn't so burned out i would've studied so hard to get accepted abroad and get a citizenship only so i could kill my self at the one in a foreign country! There's a sea north and south of iran. The northern forests and eastern deserts are also good candidates. could someone give me general tips for how to die anonymously? is doing SN in open nature a good idea?
ten days from now I have an entrance exam for masters which I would fail. But even if i succeeded i wouldn't be sure to continue down that path (computer science). I've made foolish decisions regarding the way i studied and i used to blame myself for it for the last few days but truly the real reason is simply the fact that i hate my "cold" major. I feel little to no motivation for it. Truama is a big word but In the last few years I've felt washed up so much because of quarantine. When the university reopened i found myself surrounded by people who made fun of and even bullied me. I felt truly alien there. In fact i've felt alien for a long time. I don't want to waste anyone's time so i just give the most reasons for my (potential) suicide reason:
- turning 25 in a few months without having had any job. though i can land an intern job (i have some good coding skills) if i will, the question remains: why would I? even the coding or anything computer related makes me triggered. I know for a lot of people it's an "easy" and "dreamy" job and i should be grateful but for me it's recalling the past bitter memories. I'm also extremely "underachived" (loser) for my age even in a nation where everyone is losing (Iran)
- what memories? during my formative years i was bullied because of my physical appearance ('m extremely small. even now some people would guess my age to be 14 at most lol). This led me to be extremely isolated. Most of my life i've been staring high up at the ceiling watching the sun set (god i really hated that sunset over an ugly house). it also didn't help that i lived in a small town. Having a history of getting bullied and general isolation and body dismorphia, made me extremely avoidant. I even refused to attend my college classes in order to not be seen or not being talked to. To be honest: even if i wasn't bullied i may have avoided people altogether. I live in Iran. A backward country full of religious-fanatic beasts. I could go on for hours of how anti-life and psychopath an average mid-wit iranian is but i don't want this to be longer. I feel both alone and deserted.
- why did i choose computer science? despite the fact that it's one of the only good paying jobs in Iran (hence why everyone's rushing to this fool's gold mine) i mainly chose it so i could be working remote and also the fact that coding is one of the few ways that you can workaround not getting conscripted (god i hate iran). I don't want to deal with people given my past and beliefs. But sadly few companies accept remote workings these days and I have to start at least a few years doing 9 to 5 codings. this paired with my disgust of all thing computer related makes it harder for me to find a job. but again why work in an economy that keeps getting worse and why should i sacrifice my mental health that is getting worse for some money. I'm not really a consumerist. i only get a few dollars from my mom. i now live with my grandmother whose retiring allowance feeds both of us. she's happy to have me since she lives alone and isolation is deadly for her age. i don't love myself THAT much to continue living.
- -I *think* i have a girlfriend. funny cause there was a time i thought if i had a gf i could endure any hardship. in fact i used to browse the site a year ago and i was planning to go by SN. in a very dramatic episode she called off my suicide. i was minutes from swallowing the cup. this TRANSFORMED me so much. i came from my tiny city to tehran so i could meet her. hell i even thought of having a job. i attended my classes. but this revolution seemed so fake. She doesn't touch me. This was so shocking that it kicked me back to my depressive era. I'm not even talking about sex, a simple touch (kissing or hand holding or anything) could've been enough. She stated she was afraid to be seen in public touching another one (which despite the fact that every couple do these stuff nowadays, i completely believe it's justified since once again: We're talking about Iran). I invited her to my house when my grandma wasn't there but even then she refused to touch me and later she refused to see my in the house altogether. It's as if I really don't have a gf. Touching aside, she's even more miserable than me. When i go in a date with her I try my best to have fun and do cool stuff and make memories and there she is always: always crying over stupid stuff and unable to put all her worries aside for a little bit of joy. She really triggers my depression. I've said these to her but with no effects. Even called off my relationship for a few months. Despite all that i think i owe it to her if i suicide. I pity her sad existence and she really doesn't have anyone beside me. I'm stuck really. I may feel resentment to her sometimes but I really care for her too.
Life advice:
These days i'm attacked by the hope that maybe i could finally get a master on something i truly love to study and not worry much about jobs. I could at least translate books or teach english. i may even find a girl that at least lets me touch her warmth. but it sometimes feel like wishful thinking. I have a love-hate relationship with my mom. she really did all the best for her children well-being and devoted her life. But that doesn't change the fact that it wasn't enough. Hell it's not even close. Growing up with an abusive dead-beat junkie dad that did drug in front of us? nothing can fix that. she had a really hard life and i pity her but sometimes i come to the conclusion that she chose this abusive life. her brother once encouraged and even supported her through a potential divorce but not only she rejected it but also continued to give birth to two more miserable children growing up in poverty in an isolated small town. This really boils my blood. Beside these i have a best friend which is not a problem cause he'd understand. As of life part: Which advice could you give me? what should i do? can my life be saved? if not is it justifiable to go down despite having a girl friend and a mom with a past?
As of the suicide part:
I may go down the SN method which i called it off one year ago. The only wish I have is to have my body not being able to find. I really hate the idea of people shouting islamic chants over my dead body in my funeral. In fact I hate it so much that If I wasn't so burned out i would've studied so hard to get accepted abroad and get a citizenship only so i could kill my self at the one in a foreign country! There's a sea north and south of iran. The northern forests and eastern deserts are also good candidates. could someone give me general tips for how to die anonymously? is doing SN in open nature a good idea?
