Story Looking for a little perspective

[Person]

Hi, I'm relatively new here.
Im glad to have found this forum with pro choice people, and I was hoping to share my story and that you may be able to give me some perspective, as I'm so consumed with grief I can't see anything else
I've battled with depression and borderline bpd all my life. But as I got older, I got my life on track. I've been through alot of shit experiences as I'm sure we all have, in order to have ended up here.
I've had heart operations, cervical cancer operations, held at gun point, nearly died giving birth to my first child, and had to watch my second spend 5 weeks in NICU at the start of this year. At one point we even had to plan a baby funeral, but he pulled through. He's still on oxygen and heart medication now.
We got back home and back to normal life. We had about 10 weeks all together as a family at home - myself, my husband, our toddler and our baby.
I tucked the children into bed one evening and waited for my husband to get home from work. He was two hours late. Then finally a knock at the door. But it wasn't him. It was the police.
My husband had been in a motorcycle accident and had been killed instantly on his way home.
The following police investigation, his time at the morgue, and everything since, has been a complete nightmare.
His family left me to completely organise and pay for the funeral myself. After if sorted everything they tried to interfere. They talked all through his ceremony, then did shots at the bar at his wake.
It was all so disrespectful.
I'm an absolute mess. My husband was my soul mate. He was by my side when I went through all those horrible experiences I mentioned at the start. We travelled the world together. He held me together as we watched our baby fight for his life.
All I want to do is ctb and join him. I don't know what I believe in terms of the after life or if there is one at all, but I don't much care at this point.
But I don't want to mess up my children. They're so young, they'd never remember having a mummy and daddy. They'd be taken in by either my parents or sister and brother in law, who I know would love them and give them a good life. Not the same as parents, I know. But I'm worried I'm so messed up, that I'll mess my children up. I shout at them for the littlest things and I've found myself saying awful things to the baby.
I'm worried that having me as a mother growing up would be worse than having no mother at all. I've had to give up my career to care for my children. I feel guilty my husband died in his bike. He was tired from having 2 kids and 2 jobs but still used to get up early and take the baby so I could get a couple hours sleep after having both the kids all night.
I feel completely torn at my very soul. My little family has been completely disintegrated. I just want to be with my husband. But I don't want to abandon my children. I'm in therapy, on meds and I've turned to widow groups for support, but I've been told I'm selfish for even thinking this way. I'm exhausted. I'm terrified. I'm being ripped apart at the seams.
I've bought SN. I'm not planning on making any impulsive decisions. I have affairs to put in order. I'm not even sure why I'm posting here.
Thanks for reading my nonsense.

 

[Kikoo Loool]

Don't say it's nonsense. We are here to listen to you. Your story is heartbreaking and makes me sad. It's at least a good thing not to be impulsive.

 

[jake3d]

I'd keep the SN stored away for now. Take good care of your kids as much as you can. If you feel you're losing it, then make sure the kids are with someone where they'll be cared for properly before you go.

 

[Ashpac]

Brace yourself for the comments that say you are a horrible person for even thinking such things since you have kids

Just ignore idiots like that.

Parents have feelings too and no one should make you feel bad for thinking the way you are.

 

[Kjo]

What an incredible story and thank you for sharing. I encourage you to write this into a book. The triumphs are beautiful.


Just my thoughts and opinion:
My mom was a mess raising me, for a number of different reasons. It helps. Surprisingly, it helps.
I've grown to be more understanding and empathetic than most my peers.
It's okay to be messed up.

Most people are, it seems - we're all just trying our best to hide it.
Your kids will love you unconditionally regardless of your struggles. It won't mess them up, instead it'll teach them a perspective that I wish more people in the world had.

You have the option to CTB later in life, no reason to leave so early. Would your husband want you to stay and protect the children?

Imagine their first steps and laughs and smiles. I believe you'll do a wonderful job as their mother and with your big heart (from what I've read), I could imagine no better guardian for them.

It's normal and natural to grieve. It's completely understandable to want to be with your soul mate. I'm sure most people wouldn't be as strong as you are right now. I read about murder suicides often and the fact you're not considering killing your lovely babies show an incredible amount of strength, smarts, and heart in you.

In time you'll be there eventually, after "your work here is done." And you can tell your lovely children about their incredible dad. He can listen from the other side and feel the comfort. Perhaps he's in the room as a ghost, trying to wipe your tears.
Please know, it's your decision and you have the right to choose. I don't want my thoughts to persuade you in either direction; I just wanted to share what I thought. We support you. Sorry for the tragedies you are facing.

 

[Jean Améry]

What you are going through is anything but trival: I think you're an incredibly courageous and thoughtful person who went/is going through hell and still you're putting your children first. Even with your mental issues. I don't know if I could do that to be honest.

You're obviously going through a lot and experience great pain at your husband's passing. He obviously meant the world to you so in my opinion it's quite natural to wonder whether life is still worth it at this point. I think your desire to CTB stems from love. In any case you're entitled to your grief.

Yet you're clearheaded enough to realize your children need you. Which they do: no family (however loving) can replace a mother's love.

Like you already indicated I think you should think about this very carefully. I think with time and support things will become more bearable. You can't possibly know that how you're feeling right now will last so in my opinion it's pointless to wonder whether your children are better off without you. Certainly now.

Feel free to talk about how you're feeling and what you're going through here. Many people here went through hell aswell and we generally are quite accepting and tolerant. SS is a place where we can discuss our feelings and thoughts with regard to suicide which is a very good thing in my view. Not being able to express oneself is highly detrimental and will probably make suicide more likely. No matter how one looks at it it's one of the most serious decisions anyone can make and should be very well thought-out.

The best of luck to you.

 

[Person]

I'd keep the SN stored away for now. Take good care of your kids as much as you can. If you feel you're losing it, then make sure the kids are with someone where they'll be cared for properly before you go.

Thank you, that is my plan. Keeping my children safe is the most important thing. I'm planning on having a will written up to ensure custody gets passed to family also.

Don't say it's nonsense. We are here to listen to you. Your story is heartbreaking and makes me sad. It's at least a good thing not to be impulsive.

Thank you so much, it really means a lot

Brace yourself for the comments that say you are a horrible person for even thinking such things since you have kids

Just ignore idiots like that.

Parents have feelings too and no one should make you feel bad for thinking the way you are.

I've had that alot, especially from people in the widows group that I joined. But I can't help how I feel, and trying to deny it makes it even worse. Thank you.

What an incredible story and thank you for sharing. I encourage you to write this into a book. The triumphs are beautiful.


Just my thoughts and opinion:
My mom was a mess raising me, for a number of different reasons. It helps. Surprisingly, it helps.
I've grown to be more understanding and empathetic than most my peers.
It's okay to be messed up.

Most people are, it seems - we're all just trying our best to hide it.
Your kids will love you unconditionally regardless of your struggles. It won't mess them up, instead it'll teach them a perspective that I wish more people in the world had.

You have the option to CTB later in life, no reason to leave so early. Would your husband want you to stay and protect the children?

Imagine their first steps and laughs and smiles. I believe you'll do a wonderful job as their mother and with your big heart (from what I've read), I could imagine no better guardian for them.

It's normal and natural to grieve. It's completely understandable to want to be with your soul mate. I'm sure most people wouldn't be as strong as you are right now. I read about murder suicides often and the fact you're not considering killing your lovely babies show an incredible amount of strength, smarts, and heart in you.

In time you'll be there eventually, after "your work here is done." And you can tell your lovely children about their incredible dad. He can listen from the other side and feel the comfort. Perhaps he's in the room as a ghost, trying to wipe your tears.
Please know, it's your decision and you have the right to choose. I don't want my thoughts to persuade you in either direction; I just wanted to share what I thought. We support you. Sorry for the tragedies you are facing.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate your words. I know my husband would want me to carry on for our boys, but I also know, if it was the exact same circumstance, but with us switched places, my husband would have already killed himself.
Not because of grief, but - and not to stereotype, but kinda - my husband was a red head and he had the temper to match.
I know full well he would have killed the driver of the car involved in the collision, then he would have gotten on his bike and repeatedly put himself in such danger that he was eventually killed. He hated suicide, but in his head, that's not what he would have called it.
It's so hard because this is the exact opposite of what I want and there's nothing I can do about it. I love my children absolutely, but I love my husband more.

What you are going through is anything but trival: I think you're an incredibly courageous and thoughtful person who went/is going through hell and still you're putting your children first. Even with your mental issues. I don't know if I could do that to be honest.

You're obviously going through a lot and experience great pain at your husband's passing. He obviously meant the world to you so in my opinion it's quite natural to wonder whether life is still worth it at this point. I think your desire to CTB stems from love. That's not selfish and in any case you're entitled to your grief.

Yet you're clearheaded enough to realize your children need you. Which they do: no family (however loving) can replace a mother's love.

Like you already indicated I think you should think about this very carefully. I think with time and support things will become more bearable. You can't possibly know that how you're feeling right now will last so in my opinion it's pointless to wonder whether your children are better off without you. Certainly now.

Feel free to talk about how you're feeling and what you're going through here. Many people here went through hell aswell and we generally are quite accepting and tolerant. SS is a place where we can discuss our feelings and thoughts with regard to suicide which is a very good thing in my view. Not being able to express oneself is highly detrimental and will probably make suicide more likely. No matter how one looks at it it's one of the most serious decisions anyone can make and should be very well thought-out.

The best of luck to you.

Thank you so much, and I fully intend to make a thoroughly informed and thought out decision. I just can't believe I'm in a position where I have to consider making it at all.

 

[Jean Améry]

Thank you so much, and I fully intend to make a thoroughly informed and thought out decision. I just can't believe I'm in a position where I have to consider making it at all.

You're welcome. Just for the record: I don't think you should do this and your children need you. I do feel strongly about parents' responsibilities towards their children but I didn't and don't want to lecture someone who's obviously going through a lot. I can only hope you will think about this very carefully and not let your emotions dictate your actions.

 

[Funkbunny]

Excuse my French, but selfish my ass! Your world has been shaken to its core... I can't even begin to imagine. Every single thought is valid 100%.

You are one strong woman. You're still here, still fighting. A song that comes to mind is Stop the world I want to get off. Someone dies and the world just keeps on going, then you start getting all that bullshit from everyone.

You made your children together. You, him, together. You're both in them. You both made your own family. When you think about that, it's kinda amazing isn't it? You have absolute balls of steel. Again, one strong woman!

I'm sending you love and the warmest of hugs.

 

[Kjo]

Thank you, that is my plan. Keeping my children safe is the most important thing. I'm planning on having a will written up to ensure custody gets passed to family also.

Thank you so much, it really means a lot

I've had that alot, especially from people in the widows group that I joined. But I can't help how I feel, and trying to deny it makes it even worse. Thank you.

Thank you so much. I really appreciate your words. I know my husband would want me to carry on for our boys, but I also know, if it was the exact same circumstance, but with us switched places, my husband would have already killed himself.
Not because of grief, but - and not to stereotype, but kinda - my husband was a red head and he had the temper to match.
I know full well he would have killed the driver of the car involved in the collision, then he would have gotten on his bike and repeatedly put himself in such danger that he was eventually killed. He hated suicide, but in his head, that's not what he would have called it.
It's so hard because this is the exact opposite of what I want and there's nothing I can do about it. I love my children absolutely, but I love my husband more.

Thank you so much, and I fully intend to make a thoroughly informed and thought out decision. I just can't believe I'm in a position where I have to consider making it at all.

Completely understandable. Much love and best wishes to you and your loved ones. You're doing good and you're being very smart about everything. I wish I could help make this hard time less hard for you. Only you know your full situation and only you can make the best choice.

 

[Dead beat dad]

Hi, I'm relatively new here.
Im glad to have found this forum with pro choice people, and I was hoping to share my story and that you may be able to give me some perspective, as I'm so consumed with grief I can't see anything else
I've battled with depression and borderline bpd all my life. But as I got older, I got my life on track. I've been through alot of shit experiences as I'm sure we all have, in order to have ended up here.
I've had heart operations, cervical cancer operations, held at gun point, nearly died giving birth to my first child, and had to watch my second spend 5 weeks in NICU at the start of this year. At one point we even had to plan a baby funeral, but he pulled through. He's still on oxygen and heart medication now.
We got back home and back to normal life. We had about 10 weeks all together as a family at home - myself, my husband, our toddler and our baby.
I tucked the children into bed one evening and waited for my husband to get home from work. He was two hours late. Then finally a knock at the door. But it wasn't him. It was the police.
My husband had been in a motorcycle accident and had been killed instantly on his way home.
The following police investigation, his time at the morgue, and everything since, has been a complete nightmare.
His family left me to completely organise and pay for the funeral myself. After if sorted everything they tried to interfere. They talked all through his ceremony, then did shots at the bar at his wake.
It was all so disrespectful.
I'm an absolute mess. My husband was my soul mate. He was by my side when I went through all those horrible experiences I mentioned at the start. We travelled the world together. He held me together as we watched our baby fight for his life.
All I want to do is ctb and join him. I don't know what I believe in terms of the after life or if there is one at all, but I don't much care at this point.
But I don't want to mess up my children. They're so young, they'd never remember having a mummy and daddy. They'd be taken in by either my parents or sister and brother in law, who I know would love them and give them a good life. Not the same as parents, I know. But I'm worried I'm so messed up, that I'll mess my children up. I shout at them for the littlest things and I've found myself saying awful things to the baby.
I'm worried that having me as a mother growing up would be worse than having no mother at all. I've had to give up my career to care for my children. I feel guilty my husband died in his bike. He was tired from having 2 kids and 2 jobs but still used to get up early and take the baby so I could get a couple hours sleep after having both the kids all night.
I feel completely torn at my very soul. My little family has been completely disintegrated. I just want to be with my husband. But I don't want to abandon my children. I'm in therapy, on meds and I've turned to widow groups for support, but I've been told I'm selfish for even thinking this way. I'm exhausted. I'm terrified. I'm being ripped apart at the seams.
I've bought SN. I'm not planning on making any impulsive decisions. I have affairs to put in order. I'm not even sure why I'm posting here.
Thanks for reading my nonsense.

This is not nonsense friend. What you have gone through sounds like the very embodiment of trauma.
Your support group doesn't sound very supportive either!
It's understandable you feel this way.
You have done the right thing by going to therapy and maybe at this stage medication is the right thing.
I don't know you, but I'd be willing to bet that you're a better parent than you realise. Your situation sounds very hard, your babies are part of you and your beloved, for some this may offer a connection to what is lost.
I am so sincerely sorry to hear your story sister. I honestly hope you can find peace and calm in these dark and frightening eaters you sail and know this is a safe place to vent your spleen without judgement.
Good luck my sister.
DBD

 

[Soul]

@Person, my mother killed herself after my father's death. My sister was a toddler; I was an infant. I'm not sure it will help you to read my feelings about it, but ...

I know she was overwhelmed. I know our father was the center of her life, and kids were just "extras". I blame myself for probably keeping him from getting enough sleep and causing the accident that killed him. And then instead of being a reason for her to live I was just a squalling puking mess. My sister apparently couldn't be left alone with me because she kept trying to bash my head in or throw me out the window. Her toddler logic hoped that getting rid of me would bring her parents back.

It wasn't until I was in college that I found out my mother had asked her cousin to raise us. He agreed, because he didn't believe she'd really kill herself, then when she did he decided he wasn't ready to take us on. So her parents did. They drank and abused us and blamed us for her death.

I think it would have made a huge difference to me to know she had thought about our welfare. I wish she hadn't blamed me; I wish I had been enough for her; I wish I hadn't been born and that she had had a happy life with my father.

But that's not what happened.

@Person, can you make some films of yourself for your sons? Talk to them, sing to them, tell them stories, hold them, tell them about their father and your feelings, and film it all so that they have that to comfort them and to prove you care. Don't leave them doubting that you care.

Make sure they hear you assuring them they aren't to blame. They aren't to blame. They're just tiny beings who need love, who are trying to be as lovable as they can for you. It's not their fault.

I know you're doing your best too. Please be gentle with yourself, and get as much help as you can, and try to rest properly so you can make the best decisions for all three of you. (((Hugs)))

 

[Person]

@Person, my mother killed herself after my father's death. My sister was a toddler; I was an infant. I'm not sure it will help you to read my feelings about it, but ...

I know she was overwhelmed. I know our father was the center of her life, and kids were just "extras". I blame myself for probably keeping him from getting enough sleep and causing the accident that killed him. And then instead of being a reason for her to live I was just a squalling puking mess. My sister apparently couldn't be left alone with me because she kept trying to bash my head in or throw me out the window. Her toddler logic hoped that getting rid of me would bring her parents back.

It wasn't until I was in college that I found out my mother had asked her cousin to raise us. He agreed, because he didn't believe she'd really kill herself, then when she did he decided he wasn't ready to take us on. So her parents did. They drank and abused us and blamed us for her death.

I think it would have made a huge difference to me to know she had thought about our welfare. I wish she hadn't blamed me; I wish I had been enough for her; I wish I hadn't been born and that she had had a happy life with my father.

But that's not what happened.

@Person, can you make some films of yourself for your sons? Talk to them, sing to them, tell them stories, hold them, tell them about their father and your feelings, and film it all so that they have that to comfort them and to prove you care. Don't leave them doubting that you care.

Make sure they hear you assuring them they aren't to blame. They aren't to blame. They're just tiny beings who need love, who are trying to be as lovable as they can for you. It's not their fault.

I know you're doing your best too. Please be gentle with yourself, and get as much help as you can, and try to rest properly so you can make the best decisions for all three of you. (((Hugs)))

Soul, thank you so very, very much. The first paragraph you wrote is literally my life to a tee at the moment, and I'm so grateful to hear how a child in this situation felt/feels.
I'm so sorry you went through all of that.
I've already started writing a book dedicated to my children and I plan on leaving a box full of cards up to their 30th birthday for each of them as well as other tokens/gifts.
It's so difficult because they are so small, they haven't even realised their father is gone. They don't grieve, so I have no scale for my own.
I think this is what a lot of people in the widow support group don't understand. Their children are usually older.
If my boys were even four or five and could turn around and say 'I really miss daddy' ect, it would stop me in my tracks and I would be able to see past my own grief.
But their behaviour hasn't even changed, it's almost like he was never a part of their lives at all. And I'm sure sooner or later they'll want to know all about their dad and grieve for the missing 'father figure' but it's not quite the same.

I am trying my absolute best to fight this and provide a good life for my children. But at the moment I'm struggling to see if that life is with me, or other family.
Ive even thought about adoption. They're both so young to the point where they could call someone else mum and dad and never really know any different.
I really don't want to abandon my children, but neither do I want them to have to grow up with a horrid mess of a mother.
I love them so much and only want what is healthiest for them.
Thank you so much for listening and your input. I really appreciate it.

 

[Soul]

Soul, thank you so very, very much. The first paragraph you wrote is literally my life to a tee at the moment, and I'm so grateful to hear how a child in this situation felt/feels.
I'm so sorry you went through all of that.
I've already started writing a book dedicated to my children and I plan on leaving a box full of cards up to their 30th birthday for each of them as well as other tokens/gifts.
It's so difficult because they are so small, they haven't even realised their father is gone. They don't grieve, so I have no scale for my own.
I think this is what a lot of people in the widow support group don't understand. Their children are usually older.
If my boys were even four or five and could turn around and say 'I really miss daddy' ect, it would stop me in my tracks and I would be able to see past my own grief.
But their behaviour hasn't even changed, it's almost like he was never a part of their lives at all. And I'm sure sooner or later they'll want to know all about their dad and grieve for the missing 'father figure' but it's not quite the same.

I am trying my absolute best to fight this and provide a good life for my children. But at the moment I'm struggling to see if that life is with me, or other family.
Ive even thought about adoption. They're both so young to the point where they could call someone else mum and dad and never really know any different.
I really don't want to abandon my children, but neither do I want them to have to grow up with a horrid mess of a mother.
I love them so much and only want what is healthiest for them.
Thank you so much for listening and your input. I really appreciate it.

@Person, I'm glad if something I wrote helped. A book and the series of cards will be treasures for your children no matter what you decide going forward, but I'd like to try once more to encourage you to film and record yourself as well. I have no idea what my mother's voice sounded like or how she moved or what her face was like when it was animated. If she had left any footage or recordings I'd be able to feel I had a mother, and not just a big mother-shaped hole.

It's important to me that you're trying not to abandon them. Even if you need to entrust them to someone else while you get care, even if whatever-you-decide, you're trying. Let them know that. And try.

Thank you for letting me know what it's like to take care of these small creatures who don't seem aware that everything's changed. They must seem somehow alien. I know my sister and I were aware, absorbing our mother's wild grief like little sponges. We don't remember it, but it's built into who we are.

(((Hugs)))

 

[Person]

@Person, I'm glad if something I wrote helped. A book and the series of cards will be treasures for your children no matter what you decide going forward, but I'd like to try once more to encourage you to film and record yourself as well. I have no idea what my mother's voice sounded like or how she moved or what her face was like when it was animated. If she had left any footage or recordings I'd be able to feel I had a mother, and not just a big mother-shaped hole.

It's important to me that you're trying not to abandon them. Even if you need to entrust them to someone else while you get care, even if whatever-you-decide, you're trying. Let them know that. And try.

Thank you for letting me know what it's like to take care of these small creatures who don't seem aware that everything's changed. They must seem somehow alien. I know my sister and I were aware, absorbing our mother's wild grief like little sponges. We don't remember it, but it's built into who we are.

(((Hugs)))

Thank you Soul, yes I will film myself. My husband had his own YouTube channel so there's lots of videos of him they can see and I will make some of me too.
I don't blame my children at all, and I'm sure your mother didn't blame either of you either. It's just so overwhelming, I think you worry you'll harm your children more than you help them.
Thank you so much for talking to me

 

[SinisterKid]

TIME! it really is the great healer.

The secret now is one day at a time. Forget tomorrow, it doesn't exist, find a way to make it through today. If suicidal ideations help achieve that goal, then great. Don't reject ideations or demonise them, accept them for what they are.

You are extremely brave for posting here.

Your 2 beautiful children have already lost their daddy, somehow, you have to prevent them losing you too. I am a product of the care system [UK] and I despise my parents for allowing that to happen, to the point where I have nothing whatsoever to do with either of them. Not laying a guilt trip on you, just trying to explain how your children may view all of this at some point in the future. I am old, so have had a very long time to think about it all.

If I can make it this far, I know you can. I gave my word I would try and even though sometimes it is fucking exhausting just finding a reason to make it through the day, I try. That's all you can do, for now, try and make it through another day.

If you want to talk, there is a message system here and chat, if it helps any. Look me up any time you want/need to, I do not mind.

 

[Sitokirment]

I have shit parents. Some people shouldn't have kids and not the people that do should raise them. Familial ties mean nothing.

If you're being abusive to your kids, then step aside. If there's a chance that they might come home from school and to find your corpse, then ABSOLUTELY step aside.

 

[Person]

I have shit parents. Some people shouldn't have kids and not the people that do should raise them. Familial ties mean nothing.

If you're being abusive to your kids, then step aside. If there's a chance that they might come home from school and to find your corpse, then ABSOLUTELY step aside.

I appreciate your insight.
This is why I posted here.
My children are not old enough to go to school, they are babies. I wouldn't even consider ctb until I know they are with someone I trust and will take care of them.
I realise this post may come across terribly, but my upmost concern is the welfare of my children.
I considered my husband and I to be good parents. Our children are happy and polite.
I am concerned that now my husband has passed away, I will no longer be able to cope. Hence why I am considering handing them over to family and joining my husband.
Please don't think for one minute my husband and I didn't want or care for our children. Nothing could be further from the truth. I just want to make sure they have what's best for them, now circumstances have changed.

 

[Soul]

@Person, I'm sorry if anything I say sounds like I'm trying to push you in some direction. I just feel compelled to get a couple more things said.

You wrote that you don't blame your children, but when I read your first post, about your husband being tired ... you were talking about your own feelings of guilt, but what I read was "she blames the children". I shall always react that way. Babies are the center of their own world; everything is all about me. When my father didn't come home it was because of me. When my mother was crazy with grief it was because of me. And that's indelibly part of who I am.

Neither my sister nor I have children; we've both had screwed-up relationships and are on our own. My sister is still a very angry only child at the emotional age of about 2. And here I am on this forum of all the forums in the world, because suicide is an indelible part of who I am.

That's what I know about what life is like for a child of a suicide.

@Person, you said you're in therapy and on meds, but didn't say whether your doctor or family knows you're contemplating suicide. Are you living on your own with your children, or is someone there who can help you? You don't have to answer, of course. But I've been hoping there's someone supportive there with you to help all three of you.

They're just little. Don't let them feel they caused this. And be sure they know you're trying not to abandon them.

 

[Person]

@Person, I'm sorry if anything I say sounds like I'm trying to push you in some direction. I just feel compelled to get a couple more things said.

You wrote that you don't blame your children, but when I read your first post, about your husband being tired ... you were talking about your own feelings of guilt, but what I read was "she blames the children". I shall always react that way. Babies are the center of their own world; everything is all about me. When my father didn't come home it was because of me. When my mother was crazy with grief it was because of me. And that's indelibly part of who I am.

Neither my sister nor I have children; we've both had screwed-up relationships and are on our own. My sister is still a very angry only child at the emotional age of about 2. And here I am on this forum of all the forums in the world, because suicide is an indelible part of who I am.

That's what I know about what life is like for a child of a suicide.

@Person, you said you're in therapy and on meds, but didn't say whether your doctor or family knows you're contemplating suicide. Are you living on your own with your children, or is someone there who can help you? You don't have to answer, of course. But I've been hoping there's someone supportive there with you to help all three of you.

They're just little. Don't let them feel they caused this. And be sure they know you're trying not to abandon them.

Hi Soul,
I don't blame my children. Not for a moment. I blame myself for wanting them. I blame myself for putting too much pressure on my household. They are beautiful gifts and I blame myself for putting my own urges to sleep before their fathers need to sleep.
I blame myself entirely for his death. And now that I am alone, I don't feel like a particularly good parent or even person anymore. Thusly, I want to make sure I am doing what it best for my children. I'm just in the process of working out what that is.

 

[Soul]

Hi Soul,
I don't blame my children. Not for a moment. I blame myself for wanting them. I blame myself for putting too much pressure on my household. They are beautiful gifts and I blame myself for putting my own urges to sleep before their fathers need to sleep.
I blame myself entirely for his death. And now that I am alone, I don't feel like a particularly good parent or even person anymore. Thusly, I want to make sure I am doing what it best for my children. I'm just in the process of working out what that is.

@Person, I'm very sorry for not being clearer. I'm not trying to tell you how you feel. I'm trying to convey how the child of a suicide feels about losses I was too young to remember but will never stop feeling.

I'm sorry I've hurt you. I'm very sorry for your terrible loss. I hope you find the best possible way forward.

 

[Person]

@Person, I'm very sorry for not being clearer. I'm not trying to tell you how you feel. I'm trying to convey how the child of a suicide feels about losses I was too young to remember but will never stop feeling.

I'm sorry I've hurt you. I'm very sorry for your terrible loss. I hope you find the best possible way forward.

Not at all Soul, it is good to get some insight on how a child in this situation feels. That is, after all, why I came here in the first place.
What I said is simply how I feel and how I view things, and it has been since the moment I was informed of his accident.

 

[Dvaandi]

This is a time for you to be very careful and cautious . You've been through more trauma in the past couple of months than most people go through in a lifetime. If you've got a good therapist, he or she can be of great help. Also, reach out to anyone you are close to for support. There's probably many who will help. I understand that your pain must be enormous. Few will ever encounter such challenges.

I wish you the best and my heart breaks for what you are going through.

 

[None09]

Try just to think with cold head cause that's a big decision after all you have children and they'll be affected after this. I would try to resist until they get older, if you're feeling that bad try to take the bad energy focussed on an activity and be fine with your children

 

[Lara Francis]

@Person, my mother killed herself after my father's death. My sister was a toddler; I was an infant. I'm not sure it will help you to read my feelings about it, but ...

I know she was overwhelmed. I know our father was the center of her life, and kids were just "extras". I blame myself for probably keeping him from getting enough sleep and causing the accident that killed him. And then instead of being a reason for her to live I was just a squalling puking mess. My sister apparently couldn't be left alone with me because she kept trying to bash my head in or throw me out the window. Her toddler logic hoped that getting rid of me would bring her parents back.

It wasn't until I was in college that I found out my mother had asked her cousin to raise us. He agreed, because he didn't believe she'd really kill herself, then when she did he decided he wasn't ready to take us on. So her parents did. They drank and abused us and blamed us for her death.

I think it would have made a huge difference to me to know she had thought about our welfare. I wish she hadn't blamed me; I wish I had been enough for her; I wish I hadn't been born and that she had had a happy life with my father.

But that's not what happened.

@Person, can you make some films of yourself for your sons? Talk to them, sing to them, tell them stories, hold them, tell them about their father and your feelings, and film it all so that they have that to comfort them and to prove you care. Don't leave them doubting that you care.

Make sure they hear you assuring them they aren't to blame. They aren't to blame. They're just tiny beings who need love, who are trying to be as lovable as they can for you. It's not their fault.

I know you're doing your best too. Please be gentle with yourself, and get as much help as you can, and try to rest properly so you can make the best decisions for all three of you. (((Hugs)))

@Soul
I am so sorry that these things happened to you.It was very cruel and unfair to blame you and you should have never been given this burden.As you said ,you were just a child.Thanku for sharing.
Hugs to you x
@Person
Hi.welcome to the forum.
I am so sorry for the circumstances that brought you here but just wanted to let you know we are here for you and you are not alone.
I lost my husband too who was also my soul mate so can very much relate to your desire to join him.
We have a son who was 7 at the time and is now 10.
You have been through so much which is still very raw.You have more strength you give yourself credit for.
I can see that you are a very kind,caring and brillant mum but your pain is overwelming.
I have been and continue to be in the same situation and fight thoughts everyday.
I wish i could offer you some words of strength to help.
Feel free to pm me at any time.
Hugs to you x

 

[Fucking loving it]

You have really been through a lot. I can relate to one thing. My daughter passed away at age 10. She had a terminal illness. I also have a healthy son. I want to CTB so bad. I also haven't had an easy life. I guess the reason I'm still here is my son. It is scary when I lose sight of my reason for staying here.. you can always pm me.