This feeling is understandable. A lot of things can work against us. There is no way to test drive CTB and there is no mid-way point between life and death. The results of attempting CTB are intimidating and unpredictable at many levels, and we lack any meaningful support in the process.
Being suicidal long-term can lead to neglecting self-care because, "What's the use, anyway?" which can worsen our life situations and leave us in a nightmarish no-man's-land of neither living life nor being peacefully dead. Yet it is incredibly easy to delay plans for CTB by another day, year or multiple years due to hope for a revolution or just struggling to make a final decision on an inherently uncertain yet absolute matter.
Very true, although in my case the delay is also in large part due to being reliant on other individuals in order to complete certain preparations before acting out my final plan.
I'm being held hostage by other people's procrastination (thus feeding into my own) and unwillingness to work with me on things that need to be taken care of before I go.
I'm starting to think I may have to just say "fuck it" and just give up on the last things I fought so hard for, and for so long, to have in place.
I just can't do this any longer. I'm so tired.
That's the other thing..it takes a lot of energy to kill yourself.
As you so aptly considered the loss of self-care, if we can't even commit to basic hygiene routines and maintenance of other personal necessities, then the act of dying becomes quite a daunting feat in comparison.
I still so desire the option of some big red button that will end my life in an instance while also tying off loose ends.
Would have reached over and pressed it a thousand times by now.
