Story Longer journey, same destination

[Tempeste]

I've been dealing with progressively worse cptsd for several years and debilitating panic attacks. my life has become restricted to the point of self isolation out of fear. Some of these attacks are so bad I have fugue states, losing all sense of who I am or what I'm doing. This can go for hours or days. The worst ever was three days. I've woken from these states hundreds of miles from home with no clue how I got there. Driving. In airports. Walking miles often at night without shoes or coat. This has ended several times with police or EMS called and in August one three day stint in psych ward. A few weeks ago during one panic attack my husband pulled over the car to try to help me through it. A cop pulled up (they're already triggers for me) and even though we said we were fine wouldn't leave, keep asking if we were ok, even said we could go but when we tried to she started screaming at us and pulled a gun. in the videos it's very clear she's just twitchy to begin with then decided she didn't like me panicking over our treatment- and went on to falsely arrest me so she could have my weapons seized. Claims I refused a lawful order. Video shows she never gave it. But expect I'll get convicted anyway bc the prosecutor here is a POS. The twitchy cop almost shot my husband. All bc I had an attack and he tried to help. It's my fault he could have been killed.
I can't keep putting my family through this.
I've tried therapy and over last two years several types of medication . They do nothing. Probably bc the stalking and online terror campaign against me that caused this hasn't stopped. Restraining orders are ignores. Police say the law can't keep up with the tchnology. Meanwhile we live in fear. I can't take it anymore. I made attempts before and was interrupted. My husband swears we'll find a way to make it through this but after that roadside incident and seeing the body cam and dash video...No. I can't risk him being hurt bc of me.
So that, if asked, I can honestly say I'm not doing anything to hurt myself, I chose VSED. I stopped eating and drinking anything on Thursday afternoon.
I'm tracking my vitals as I go. Ketones are very high, blood sugar fluctuates wildly all day, blood pressure which has been high is lowering. Heart rate is up already. Felt a little weak and dizzy today. That'll progress pretty fast after day seven.
I made it to day ten before. And I know I was close. Husband found me and got me to dr. Begged me to reconsider, to keep trying, keep fighting.
I fought the best I could. I tried drugs I didn't want that had horrible side effects and didn't help. I've lost all contact in my community bc someone thought I was suicidal a while back and cops came in while I was sleeping and put me on a temp hold claiming I'd overdosed...I didnt. How ironic. Since then there's been an effort to restrict my rights and now they're using this recent incident and the fact I have been seeing a therapist and taking a prescribed light dose benzo PRN for bad attacks against me, tying to get me jailed or committed.
This time I've ordered SN as a backup. And I plan to leave the area so I can't be interrupted again.
This requires a lot of effort but if I'm grabbed for a psych hold, they won't find anything in my system and they can't make me eat if they figure I haven't been, esp if I claim religious fasting.
My husband is traveling again but I think he knows. He says he's coming home in a few days. That's ok. I'll leave by then.
I know this is going to hurt him but I can't live with the alternative.

On the off chance a solution presents itself, I can reverse this method. But I think it's just better for everyone that I'm gone for good and then he can move on in safety.

 

[lmroch]

I fought the best I could.

​

 

[Tempeste]

My SN order has processed but no shipping confirmation yet.

I'm day 5.

Dizzy. Fatigued. Some chest tightness & light-headed on exertion. No interest in food. Still slight interest in fluids. This disappears with swabbing my mouth and keeps lips and mouth from getting dry cracks.
I've had a half once or less of water per day to take headache meds.

Body creates water by consuming stored fats, can make a liter a day like this but can't keep it up. I was pretty dehydrated before starting, reduced liquids to about 24 ounces a day. I'm still thinking 12-14 days total. Leg cramps will kick in soon. Have a topical magnesium foam for that. Otherwise it's not uncomfortable. It's just not fast.

The SN may arrive after this works. Have to find excuse to leave instructions to throw out. If I'm still here it's my back up in case of police intervention. Can barricade long enough to take it. Will set aside water bottle, zofran, and a clonazapam or two. We're rural, they'll never get to a hospital in time.

But I'd rather not, want it to look natural/accidental, like a cardiac arrest. Easy to believe with the stress I've been under and a prior ER admission for high cardiac enzymes.

I had my say in front of the board today about the false arrest and cop:s dangerous conduct. Let them know it's all on the videos and where to see it by minute markers. They seemed genuinely upset, and are launching an investigation . want to report back from chief by next meeting. So maybe I helped someone else from ever experiencing the same situation. That makes me feel better

 

[Tempeste]

Will post updates occasionally like a diary in case anyone else is thinking of doing this.
Morning, day 6
Still voiding, much darker yellow, less volume. Ketones about 80. No stool. Expect none til close to end when system will eject whatever's left (tends to be dark n ugly)
Morning vitals , siting, at rest.
145/101. Pulse 87, blood sugar 77
No hunger and no longer thirsty. Did an oral rinse for comfort, took a short shower. Gotta keep up all normal appearances. Face obvious sunken/drawn look, gotta avoid people or excuse with "flu".
Glad I cancelled therapy appts I'd never get this past her.
Lightheaded and short of breath on exertion, generally tired. No headache this morning. Some muscle aches but mild.
Have errands to run, need to make things look normal, right? Paying bills, packing up the house for the move, strategy session with my lawyer on the suit against stalker. When this happens it's gonna be "but I just talked to her and everything was fine. I mean she had a lot of stress but she was working on everything"

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Oh Tempeste. I don't know what to say. I wish with all my heart I could help you, heal you, give you a reason to turn from this path and fix what has brought you here.

 

[Tempeste]

Day 7. Good morning.

Resting-sitting Bp 175/101, pulse 84, blood sugar 79, ketones 80ish. Voided small amount, less today and getting darker.

Got some sleep last night with the leftover Seroquel (was prescribed it for sleep months ago. 25 mg) Very shaky, even resting there's tremors. No headache yet today. Leg muscles were a little crampy last night, just mild discomfort.
Did and oral rinse, applied chapstick. Skin looks very dry obvious dehydration setting in. Just taking dog out for morning break wiped me out.

So signs of delirium, yay I'm still me. Trouble typing though hunt n peck hitting wrong keys. From shaking?

Told y'all this is NOT a a three to four day method. You'd have to be in some severely poor shape already for that. Body is still breaking down fats and proteins for fuel and water. The process itself burns up more than it generates.

Will update as long as I feel I can.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Thank you for sharing. I was considering this method and it's very helpful to know what it's actually like. I wish you all the best.

 

[Tempeste]

Good morning day 8

Resting now 158/108 pulse 97. Haven't bothered with glucose read yet it's been hard to get a decent bead of blood from fingerstick. Maybe when they warm up some feeling very chilled. Ketones still in 80's range. Voided a very small amount and very dark. Down 18 lbs.

Shaky, chest tight, headache some mild leg muscle cramps. Will continue to do oral rinses and magnesium foam rub for comfort. OTC headache meds too with just enough liquid to get them down. Eyes blurry today. Very fatigued but sleep itself is hard unless intake something.

For those with a chronic physical impairment who stop their management meds, this would be faster. Plus you can get palliative care meds to keepb you sedated. for otherwise healthy individuals the average is seven to ten days, and as many as 14. This is not a quick method but it will produce natural appearing results and if you're religious, fasting is the only allowed method of suicide for RC's

Any exertion wipes me out and I'm back in bed. Don't try this if you have to keep appearing at a job, drive much or have small children underfoot.

Confusion will be setting in prob within the next 24 hrs from dehydration. Will keep updating as long as I can. Husband due home tonight and hoping he doesn't interfere...plan was not to be here but may not be able to drive to leave. He doesn't know when I started anyway.

Unless circumstances in my life change drastically over next few days I'll see this through to end.

 

[TAW122]

I'm really sorry to hear your circumstances, and yeah the community sucks, the legal system and the mental health system, as well as the twitchy cop and prosecutor. I hope you are able to find peace with SN or VSED. It also takes a lot of conviction to see VSED to the end, and I hope you are able to use religious fasting as a way to prevent resuscitation and/or forced feeding.

 

[Tempeste]

Day 9. Technically I think it's day 10 since I all I had last Thursday was a diet Coke in the early afternoon.

Husband is home so can't get vitals done without raising suspicion. Shaky. Very lightheaded nearly passed out a few times. Walking across the room has me seeing stars and hyperventilating. Typing slow the words don't look right.
Cold water oral rinses only. No more showers will fall down. Chest tight, can hear my blood rushing in ears.thinkingnif days and dates and stuff I think I need to do is all mixed up and can't focus on thought. Keep fixing typos here and rereading what I said about makes sense. He says I feel cold but I feel hot and keep opening windows. The frigid air outside feels good. Head wants to explode don't want more headache meds bc even sips can prolong this.gotta go and erase hx before he notices

 

[Tempeste]

Day 12/13

by late Saturday night I was very confused and maybe a little delirious, maybe a lot. Husband stayed awake with me and said I was talking about things that happened ten years ago. While like this he got me to drink a Body Armor and some ginger ale, fluids seemed to clear my head some and he kept pushing them on me and telling me we need to try to wait things out and try to find some new answers that don't include ctb.
He left again and gone til Saturday. He's got ppl checking on me and watching me drink some fluids. It was that or they call EMS.
Still not eating. Mother in law tried to make me eat something last night, mostly pushed it around a lot and said my stomach was upset from drinking.
Just gonna take longer. I'll cut back on the liquids again once they drop their guard.

He didn't find the SN so it's still there as an option or if anyone I don't want to see shows up at the door.