theslasher
psychonaut
- Jun 12, 2023
- 184
Recently I've been thinking what it'd be like to be in a healthy family, to grow up in a house where the parents love each other, and the siblings don't make the others suicidal, that'd be nice. But mine isn't like that, whenever we get together, it's just terrible. I almost feel like there's a knife going through my heart (iykyk). It's like I'm living through a psychological and emotional warfare and its my families goal to make me hate myself. Surprise, surprise, when you literally live around people 24/7 who constantly flood your mind with self hatred, overtime it starts getting hard not to hate yourself. When I was a kid I never understood why people cut themselves, but this night has been the 2nd time I've taken a blade to my arms. I even held up the knife to my head, and bliss came over me as I thought of the pain and problems going away if I just pushed the knife into my skull. I actually really considered it. After all the madness at the house, I was still stressed and could not sleep at all. I tried doing some meditation to calm my thoughts and emotions, but the silence made the thoughts in my head even louder. The more I tried, the louder the thoughts became. I couldn't do it.
Around 11:45pm I grabbed my longboard and snuck out of the house. After walking out the door, I sat at the end of the drive way and practiced my ability to live in the present moment, without thinking of past or future. The crickets chirping around me sang so loud they were deafening. They silenced the negative thoughts in my mind, and finally I felt a little more at peace.
Around maybe 12:30 I was longboarding down this really sweet downhill in the neighborhood across from mine. The only way to not fall and get all fucked up, is to carve all the way down. It was scary as hell but it made me feel alive. Eventually I ended up longboarding on the main road (which is a first for me in this town). I'm more or less in the country so the roads had some good hills and curves with barely any cars. Around 1:15am I eventually made it to the first stop light. I decided to take a break and as I was sitting there, staring at the lights, in the middle of the road with no cars, it just felt so unreal. It was liminal. I wouldn't say I was happy, but I felt more at peace than I did in my house that's for sure.
Eventually I got back up and rode my longboard down this very nice greenway path next to the road. I kept going for about 1 mile until I reached a bench, that's where I laid down to look up at the night sky. Due to the light pollution in my general area I didn't see many stars, but it was still kinda nice... however, a couple of minutes later I started to feel a few raindrops. I checked the weather app and it said it's not supposed to rain, but boy was it wrong. It started raining so damn hard. I was already about 2-3 miles from my house so I decided to just wait it out under some trees by the side of the road. I also put my longboard over my head to stay dry, but it didn't workout so great. And as I laid there curled up in a ball trying to stay dry but still getting soaked, I thought I'd feel really sorry for myself, but surprisingly I was barely upset at that shitty situation. Some fucking way, the discomfort of sitting all curled up in the rain at 2:00am getting completely soaked was not nearly as bad as the emotional and psychological pain I was experiencing a few hours before. That really put things into perspective just how much I hate it in this house. I've always wanted to just pack up, live in my car, and travel the country, and if this isn't my sign then idk what is. Bc if I stay here any longer I will definitely kill myself, It's a miracle I haven't already. I'll either leave my family or I'll kill myself (and even if I stayed with my family but was technically still alive, I'd most definitely be dead inside).
Anyways the ride back was cool, not the average night though that's for sure.
If you're reading this, here's a sign to get out there and live a little
Around 11:45pm I grabbed my longboard and snuck out of the house. After walking out the door, I sat at the end of the drive way and practiced my ability to live in the present moment, without thinking of past or future. The crickets chirping around me sang so loud they were deafening. They silenced the negative thoughts in my mind, and finally I felt a little more at peace.
Around maybe 12:30 I was longboarding down this really sweet downhill in the neighborhood across from mine. The only way to not fall and get all fucked up, is to carve all the way down. It was scary as hell but it made me feel alive. Eventually I ended up longboarding on the main road (which is a first for me in this town). I'm more or less in the country so the roads had some good hills and curves with barely any cars. Around 1:15am I eventually made it to the first stop light. I decided to take a break and as I was sitting there, staring at the lights, in the middle of the road with no cars, it just felt so unreal. It was liminal. I wouldn't say I was happy, but I felt more at peace than I did in my house that's for sure.
Eventually I got back up and rode my longboard down this very nice greenway path next to the road. I kept going for about 1 mile until I reached a bench, that's where I laid down to look up at the night sky. Due to the light pollution in my general area I didn't see many stars, but it was still kinda nice... however, a couple of minutes later I started to feel a few raindrops. I checked the weather app and it said it's not supposed to rain, but boy was it wrong. It started raining so damn hard. I was already about 2-3 miles from my house so I decided to just wait it out under some trees by the side of the road. I also put my longboard over my head to stay dry, but it didn't workout so great. And as I laid there curled up in a ball trying to stay dry but still getting soaked, I thought I'd feel really sorry for myself, but surprisingly I was barely upset at that shitty situation. Some fucking way, the discomfort of sitting all curled up in the rain at 2:00am getting completely soaked was not nearly as bad as the emotional and psychological pain I was experiencing a few hours before. That really put things into perspective just how much I hate it in this house. I've always wanted to just pack up, live in my car, and travel the country, and if this isn't my sign then idk what is. Bc if I stay here any longer I will definitely kill myself, It's a miracle I haven't already. I'll either leave my family or I'll kill myself (and even if I stayed with my family but was technically still alive, I'd most definitely be dead inside).
Anyways the ride back was cool, not the average night though that's for sure.
If you're reading this, here's a sign to get out there and live a little
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