Warlord's Pulse
Time to end this endless war
- May 27, 2024
- 242
I consider myself a very introvert guy, although not exactly shy. I see myself as ugly (I'm already bald), tho I take care of myself pretty well. I have a good job and a side hustle, good hobbies, good support (family, caring friends), good overall health (including mental health) but always very unlucky with love.
One specific day, I entered a public Discord server I found on disboard, then entered a ongoing call to try and socialize, a girl who pretty much entered the server at the same time as me was at the call, and as the time passed, just the two of us were left on the call. The conversation was great, and then we went to DM. From that point, we talked every day and had very long calls (like, VERY long, the longest one was 90h, because we slept together through days). We clicked about everything, every little detail. Then, we got more personal. We trusted each other a lot, shared a lot of vulnerabilities. She was just a year younger than me. She was not far away (I live in a very large country, so ~50km was close enough, but still a quite expensive trip), she surprisingly liked my appearence very much, and I liked hers.
From the time we met each other to the day I took a bus to see her personally, it took just two weeks. It was almost a perfect day, she was quite shy and I thought it was cute. We walked in the park holding hands, I laid down on her thighs, we took a ride at the rollercoaster, and had our first kiss (my first ever kiss) while watching the sunset on the beach. The entire time I was very confident, not a subtle sign of anxiety. I admit, I was the first one to say "I love you" and such, but I knew my boundaries. I initiated, but she exaggerated. Love bombed the fuck out of me, I was the reason of her happiness, her soulmate, the love of her life.
It didn't take long to schedule the next "date", one week after. She has problems with her parents and didn't tell about me with them, I couldn't be in her home, I really wanted privacy with her, so I booked an airbnb for our next meeting. Then, our conversation got more... intimate. We talked about sexual stuff, I opened up that I was a virgin, but she was actually very sexually experienced and I didn't expect that at all, giving her characteristics and such. And she clearly got unconfortable when I asked about her past experiences (some time after, she told me that she had quite a lot of relationships/situationships, not a single one worked out, but oh, it was never her fault). Anyway, she said that it's okay and we would be good, but at the same time, she had zero patience with my unexperience and got pissed off very easily (actually, she gets pissed off easily with anything). She asked me and insisted to do things that got me unconfortable, like oral sex, it was everything about her own pleasure (had to suck her, masturbate her, massage her, in the exact way she wanted). That turned me off, and then she started to say things like "I never saw a man who doesn't like to suck pussy", "for me, a man going limp was just urban legend", and then I said that I felt compared and inferiorized, she dismissed. As if that wasn't enough, she mocked me when I said that the trip was expensive and asked for help to pay, she said that was just the normal, the bare minimum. She revealed a lot of redflags right away, little to no respect with my money, time, work, hobbies etc. She was what I like to say "feminist with benefits", she insisted that men are trash but still likes to non stop consume romantic media and dream about a perfect man. She always told me that I should see her more, but that shit was hella expensive and she didn't even tell her parents about me. She was a NEET at time but certainly had some spared money, plus she was spoiled and could use her father credit card, no questions asked. If she really wanted to see me, why not help me pay the trips? I always had to pay EVERYTHING, her expensive food, transportation, games, amusement parks, and still had to cook, clean etc. When I asked her for some help she just laughed, and laughed and laughed. I asked for her to see me in my town instead, she replied that "it's very unpleasant to take the bus".
But we continued. She continued to love bomb me, saying that she still wants to be with me, but it was just so asymmetric, she was absurdly possessive, even to the point of complaining about my work and "prohibiting" me to hang out with friends, while if I even question her some stuff she could go out of her way to say things like "but I'm not your girlfriend yet, I'm not commited and can do whatever I want". After one month, I vented to her (in a rather calm tone) that I was overwhelmed, stressed and feeling a lot of burden about that 'relationship'. She freaked out, started to cry and saying that it was over and such. Well, I accepted, and then got out of the call when she ordered. But she sent me a simple message, "come back". Then I came back, she was crying a lot more, saying it's difficult, and promising that everything will be okay.
Then we passed an entire month without seeing each other because I was low on money and stood up to my boundaries. We basically just played and talked. But then she started to give me some hope, when she started to say "sorry" and that she wants to be better and understand me so we can have a proper relationship.
Then, she came to my home, but as she didn't talk to her parents, it was everything in secret, and she stayed for just some hours, and still, it was everything about her, I got really frustrated, but bottled it up. She was the entire time with a smile, saying that was incredible and she liked to see me one more time. I got resented when I "bickered" with her, she got shocked, and then tried to soothe me, I complied, and we said that the next day would be better. We held hands, kissed, and I left her in the bus.
But... I never received a message from her anymore. I asked if she was okay and at home, she was offline for three days. Then, she got online. I asked what happened, she straight up ignored me and started a game.
The next day, I just sent "if that's what you want, so be it" - she typed for three or four minutes straight, but ended up sending me nothing.
Then, the day after that, I sent a text stating, respectfully, that situation was hella strange, that I indeed was wrong by being angry with her that day, that I wanted an explanation. She reacted with a hug emoji, but then removed the react.
And then, the final day, I stated that she was very disrespectful and that, for my own sake, I myself would end our communication. The entire time she didn't even had the guts to block or remove me from Discord or any games that we are friends. I removed her from everything.
The day we first talked, to the day I sent the last message? Just two fucking months
But, in those two months, we summed up 700 hours of voice call; we cried in each other arms; she said that she impulsively attempted suicide before; she knew that she was my first, that was important to me, and we both always talked about the importance of communication and about the "liquid" relationships of nowadays.
Honestly, I can't even say that what I'm feeling now it's intense. I'm not sad nor angry. But it's almost a constant state of shock, trying to rationalize everything. I can barely trust my own memory, everything's just dreamlike. Her words meant nothing. Me losing my virginity with her (in a very frustrating way) meant nothing, I can pretty much still consider myself a virgin.
I'm well aware that, in a way, I dodged a bullet. It would be an abusive relationship, she was immature and such. But it's still frustrating, everything seemed so aligned, and then... this.
One specific day, I entered a public Discord server I found on disboard, then entered a ongoing call to try and socialize, a girl who pretty much entered the server at the same time as me was at the call, and as the time passed, just the two of us were left on the call. The conversation was great, and then we went to DM. From that point, we talked every day and had very long calls (like, VERY long, the longest one was 90h, because we slept together through days). We clicked about everything, every little detail. Then, we got more personal. We trusted each other a lot, shared a lot of vulnerabilities. She was just a year younger than me. She was not far away (I live in a very large country, so ~50km was close enough, but still a quite expensive trip), she surprisingly liked my appearence very much, and I liked hers.
From the time we met each other to the day I took a bus to see her personally, it took just two weeks. It was almost a perfect day, she was quite shy and I thought it was cute. We walked in the park holding hands, I laid down on her thighs, we took a ride at the rollercoaster, and had our first kiss (my first ever kiss) while watching the sunset on the beach. The entire time I was very confident, not a subtle sign of anxiety. I admit, I was the first one to say "I love you" and such, but I knew my boundaries. I initiated, but she exaggerated. Love bombed the fuck out of me, I was the reason of her happiness, her soulmate, the love of her life.
It didn't take long to schedule the next "date", one week after. She has problems with her parents and didn't tell about me with them, I couldn't be in her home, I really wanted privacy with her, so I booked an airbnb for our next meeting. Then, our conversation got more... intimate. We talked about sexual stuff, I opened up that I was a virgin, but she was actually very sexually experienced and I didn't expect that at all, giving her characteristics and such. And she clearly got unconfortable when I asked about her past experiences (some time after, she told me that she had quite a lot of relationships/situationships, not a single one worked out, but oh, it was never her fault). Anyway, she said that it's okay and we would be good, but at the same time, she had zero patience with my unexperience and got pissed off very easily (actually, she gets pissed off easily with anything). She asked me and insisted to do things that got me unconfortable, like oral sex, it was everything about her own pleasure (had to suck her, masturbate her, massage her, in the exact way she wanted). That turned me off, and then she started to say things like "I never saw a man who doesn't like to suck pussy", "for me, a man going limp was just urban legend", and then I said that I felt compared and inferiorized, she dismissed. As if that wasn't enough, she mocked me when I said that the trip was expensive and asked for help to pay, she said that was just the normal, the bare minimum. She revealed a lot of redflags right away, little to no respect with my money, time, work, hobbies etc. She was what I like to say "feminist with benefits", she insisted that men are trash but still likes to non stop consume romantic media and dream about a perfect man. She always told me that I should see her more, but that shit was hella expensive and she didn't even tell her parents about me. She was a NEET at time but certainly had some spared money, plus she was spoiled and could use her father credit card, no questions asked. If she really wanted to see me, why not help me pay the trips? I always had to pay EVERYTHING, her expensive food, transportation, games, amusement parks, and still had to cook, clean etc. When I asked her for some help she just laughed, and laughed and laughed. I asked for her to see me in my town instead, she replied that "it's very unpleasant to take the bus".
But we continued. She continued to love bomb me, saying that she still wants to be with me, but it was just so asymmetric, she was absurdly possessive, even to the point of complaining about my work and "prohibiting" me to hang out with friends, while if I even question her some stuff she could go out of her way to say things like "but I'm not your girlfriend yet, I'm not commited and can do whatever I want". After one month, I vented to her (in a rather calm tone) that I was overwhelmed, stressed and feeling a lot of burden about that 'relationship'. She freaked out, started to cry and saying that it was over and such. Well, I accepted, and then got out of the call when she ordered. But she sent me a simple message, "come back". Then I came back, she was crying a lot more, saying it's difficult, and promising that everything will be okay.
Then we passed an entire month without seeing each other because I was low on money and stood up to my boundaries. We basically just played and talked. But then she started to give me some hope, when she started to say "sorry" and that she wants to be better and understand me so we can have a proper relationship.
Then, she came to my home, but as she didn't talk to her parents, it was everything in secret, and she stayed for just some hours, and still, it was everything about her, I got really frustrated, but bottled it up. She was the entire time with a smile, saying that was incredible and she liked to see me one more time. I got resented when I "bickered" with her, she got shocked, and then tried to soothe me, I complied, and we said that the next day would be better. We held hands, kissed, and I left her in the bus.
But... I never received a message from her anymore. I asked if she was okay and at home, she was offline for three days. Then, she got online. I asked what happened, she straight up ignored me and started a game.
The next day, I just sent "if that's what you want, so be it" - she typed for three or four minutes straight, but ended up sending me nothing.
Then, the day after that, I sent a text stating, respectfully, that situation was hella strange, that I indeed was wrong by being angry with her that day, that I wanted an explanation. She reacted with a hug emoji, but then removed the react.
And then, the final day, I stated that she was very disrespectful and that, for my own sake, I myself would end our communication. The entire time she didn't even had the guts to block or remove me from Discord or any games that we are friends. I removed her from everything.
The day we first talked, to the day I sent the last message? Just two fucking months
But, in those two months, we summed up 700 hours of voice call; we cried in each other arms; she said that she impulsively attempted suicide before; she knew that she was my first, that was important to me, and we both always talked about the importance of communication and about the "liquid" relationships of nowadays.
Honestly, I can't even say that what I'm feeling now it's intense. I'm not sad nor angry. But it's almost a constant state of shock, trying to rationalize everything. I can barely trust my own memory, everything's just dreamlike. Her words meant nothing. Me losing my virginity with her (in a very frustrating way) meant nothing, I can pretty much still consider myself a virgin.
I'm well aware that, in a way, I dodged a bullet. It would be an abusive relationship, she was immature and such. But it's still frustrating, everything seemed so aligned, and then... this.
