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alivefornow
thinking about it
- Feb 6, 2023
- 152
I'm not going to go into too much detail because I've done it too many times and it's horrible and graphic in my thoughts.
I can no longer lie on my pillow and be silent, "in good spirits", without my head starting to think bad things, violent ways of ending my life and worse.
I literally feel depression in my body, a heavy heart, a sharp, throbbing pain in my chest, and weak limbs. It's as if there was a voice insulting and demeaning me 24 hours a day, and that voice is my own thoughts.
None of this is an exaggeration to be edgy here, I've really been having to endure this for almost 2 years without any moments of joy or inner peace. I don't know what happened to me.
I've always been sad, and I've gone through other phases of deep depression! But life had a few good moments, when I felt that precious warm fuzzy glow of joy in the little things. I lost the ability to get those feelings, now it's just cold sharp sickly sadness, even though there's nothing much going on. Maybe I lost hope and became broken.
I used to try and think about moving forward in life. But now, whenever I'm not distracted and "idle", my mind defaults straight to death. Countless times a day in a way that's uncontrollable. I always knew my life was made up of depressive phases and that the next one was coming, but I had no idea it could get this bad.
I used to be kinder, more sociable and enjoy the company of others, even strangers. I'm relatively good at socializing and making friends, but now I just avoid it altogether because I don't want to go through the effort of pretending there isn't a thing killing my will to live just to hold chitchat. The friends that know about my situation don't know what to say, I don't think they understand. Even I don't!
Depression took everything from me, I'm 28 years old and I've achieved nothing. No house, no job, no car, no degree, no hobbies save for games, no girl. Had a girl but she left me because I became cold and avoidant.
Everything I tried to do went wrong and it's my fault. I feel old and wasted. End.
I can no longer lie on my pillow and be silent, "in good spirits", without my head starting to think bad things, violent ways of ending my life and worse.
I literally feel depression in my body, a heavy heart, a sharp, throbbing pain in my chest, and weak limbs. It's as if there was a voice insulting and demeaning me 24 hours a day, and that voice is my own thoughts.
None of this is an exaggeration to be edgy here, I've really been having to endure this for almost 2 years without any moments of joy or inner peace. I don't know what happened to me.
I've always been sad, and I've gone through other phases of deep depression! But life had a few good moments, when I felt that precious warm fuzzy glow of joy in the little things. I lost the ability to get those feelings, now it's just cold sharp sickly sadness, even though there's nothing much going on. Maybe I lost hope and became broken.
I used to try and think about moving forward in life. But now, whenever I'm not distracted and "idle", my mind defaults straight to death. Countless times a day in a way that's uncontrollable. I always knew my life was made up of depressive phases and that the next one was coming, but I had no idea it could get this bad.
I used to be kinder, more sociable and enjoy the company of others, even strangers. I'm relatively good at socializing and making friends, but now I just avoid it altogether because I don't want to go through the effort of pretending there isn't a thing killing my will to live just to hold chitchat. The friends that know about my situation don't know what to say, I don't think they understand. Even I don't!
Depression took everything from me, I'm 28 years old and I've achieved nothing. No house, no job, no car, no degree, no hobbies save for games, no girl. Had a girl but she left me because I became cold and avoidant.
Everything I tried to do went wrong and it's my fault. I feel old and wasted. End.