Venting long vent because my head is buzzing

[uhuhyeahyeah]

it sucks. i've been getting better i thought i had my life in control. i got a job the relationship with my gf is still rough but getting better but im jsut so done. i dont want to talk to therapists because i have no clue what im feeling. its just a huge tangle of regret and paranoia i dont know if ill get better or if i will keep looping in these cycles of ups and downs. my mistake last time was telling her that i wanted to die and im not making that mistake again. she hates me anyways she thinks im an annoying useless cunt so at this point i just. im probably staying alive so its whatever it just asks i cannot hide self harm anymore so i cant cut. ive been bruising myself but its not the same at al