user667
Student
- May 11, 2020
- 255
i'm so fucking miserable. i've been miserable for years but things get worse and worse and worse even when i think they can't get any worse. i failed out of school. started at community college but i'm already failing there too. even if i manage to graduate i will have little options for a job and will be able to barely get by. i work all day all fucking day and then i come home and i work more all despite my mental illness and it's still not enough. it's so exhausting and it makes me worse but i have to do it or i will get cut off. and this? is what everyone tried to force me to stay alive for? the waking up early, working all day to the point of extreme mental and physical exhaustion, then sleeping a couple hours and doing it again. for the rest of my life. if i'm lucky enough to have a job and a house and not live on the streets. it's beyond fucked. my social anxiety at school is so bad so all the other people just think i'm weird. i get so anxious and have panic attacks and i can't talk. i feel like such a fucking loser. my favorite person in the world stopped talking to me about two months ago. i understand why but it hurts beyond words can explain. i pass by her work every day hoping i can see her at least from a distance but i never do. my best friend stopped talking to me a couple days ago too. says she's done with my toxic manipulative selfish ass and i can't blame her. i rely on her to give me emotional support and make me feel better because i can't do it alone. because what else are you supposed to do with extreme internal agony? you find something that makes it a little bit better, even if not by much. something to sooth the ache a little bit. but now she's gone and it hurts so much. i have no one left. my family is toxic as fuck and i have no friends there's literally no one. i hate most people because they are selfish and cruel so i don't see myself making any new friends. my therapist sucks ass like seriously but i'm not allowed to quit with her. my meds suck ass too but i'm not allowed to quit those either. it's not like they help. they wanna put me on some antipsychotics tho like abilify sooo if anyone knows anything about that pls let me know how bad it is. the main reason i don't want to take my meds tho is because i don't want to get better. now you're probably thinking, "fucking dumbass why would you want to be in constant mental agony with no escape?" here's the thing. what are my options once i get better? live a pointless life and work a terrible job just to be able to have a roof over my head and be exhausted and miserable? everyone complains about how much they hate their jobs and their families so they're not exactly selling it. on the off chance that i get super rich, i would end up super shallow and rotting away in a mansion somewhere. doesn't sound great either. i probably sound so fucking whiney. i am so i wouldn't blame you if you hate me at this point. so many people would love to be given the access to medicines and therapy and hospitals that i am but i literally don't want to get better. i would far rather be dead than have any of those other outcomes. even if i did want to get better it doesn't. at one point i tried and all. i took my meds went to the psych ward and tried in therapy. spent months in intensive treatment in a hospital. nothing helps anyways. fine by me. the way i see it, getting better takes away my shot at dying and being at peace. really that's all i want. i have a million reasons for wanting to kill myself. i won't go into all of them but believe me i have good reasons. like i see the stereotype of "people kill themselves bc they're in pain" and i think that's so stupid. like am i in pain? very very much so. do i have valid and logical reasons for killing myself that go far beyond a temporary feeling? also yes. even on my happiest days i want to die. i could be doing my favorite thing in the world and i'd still rather be dead because i just want it like this longing it seems far better than any life on this planet. i'm not sure what happens after death but i have two options that i think it could be. one is oblivion. conscious dies when your body dies and you exist in nothingness for all of eternity. sounds pretty fucking nice. second option is the universe exists and you go into a different realm. someone made a post about that on here and i was skeptical at first but it is backed up by research and science so it makes sense. like your soul returns to where it came from and exists in harmony as part of the universe. also sounds pretty nice. i don't care much about exactly what happens because i know it will be better than life on this earth. but now this brings us to suicide. and here lies my problem. now i want to kill myself obviously. the problem is getting it done. i have chosen SN as my method. but there are some problems with this method and i'm not sure how to fix them. so i can't get access to antiemetics like at all no way so i'm worried about vomiting. two, i have a terrible gag reflex. just awful, as embarrassing as it is. i cant even take a shot without vomiting it up before i can swallow. it's not the alcohol just the taste. and SN tastes awful so i'm worried i won't even be able to get it down to my stomach. and third and most important problem… where the fuck do i kill myself??? so i live with my parents and my sister and they are strict as fuck. they have a lot of medical control over me because of my mental illness and they know i am depressed so they rarely leave me alone. i cant fail or get caught because i will be sent to a mental hospital for a year and won't have a chance to kill myself for another three years so this is my one chance at making it it needs to work. i am rarely left alone at home so that is pretty much out. where else do i go to kill myself? i live in a city so i can't go to wilderness or a forrest because there is none. i have no money for a hotel room. i have a car but can't leave the city. i'm scared if i do it in an alley or a store bathroom someone will catch me. my best guess is a large public park a ten minute drive from my house, if i drive my car and park one of the many parking lots there, which is almost always empty, and then just lock the car doors, drink my sn and die lol. but i'm not sure if security guards will come check on me or if someone else who passes by could see me? i really need suggestions like if nothing else i need this pls help me. that's really all i guess. i really am just suffering and i want it to end. i know most of you are in the same boat so i hope things get better for you, whether that be through ctb or recovery <3
