Ever since childhood ive been very introverted but i was always wanting to be more talkative and extroverted like my sister. I used to be really shy and didnt make friends easily. If i ever did make friends i used to cling to them until they got annoyed and left me.
Sometimes i used to think of myself as better than other people. im not sure why. but i remember wanting to be seen as better than others. maybe its because my sister was always good at whatever she did so i wanted to be too. i never reached out of my comfort zone. i only did what my parents approved or suggested. i never asked many questions and never tried many new things. i hate myself for that. i hate my parents for enabling my asocial behavior. and for sheltering me for so long. the first time i went to the store alone was when i was 16. i was never sent to any academic classes or competitions or did any extracurriculars. the only hobbies i did have, my parents told me to pursue by myself. maybe thats where my tendency to not ask for help comes.
i used to look at older kids hanging out and wish that id be like them one day. smart, social, talented. what even am i. i never raised my hand in class, i never asked questions. if i did question authority i kept it to myself. i spent my childhood watching cartoons. when other kids were playing sports with their friends, or discovering their talents.
my parents fought quite a bit when i was a kid. i remember one time when i was 10, my dad called in the middle of the night. he had been on a foreign business trip and was at the airport on his way back. he called my mom threatening to not come back. i still dont know why. we begged him to come back until he blocked my mom and sister. next day we went to school like usual not knowing if we'd have a dad anymore. he did come back. but his smile was so fake. my mom said he only came back for us.
i got more social at 11. and i also realised that my peers were so much smarter than me. they used to make fun of me behind my back. i didnt say anything because i was finally talking to other kids and making friends. this one girl i was friends with. she was perfect. she was so beautiful, smart, charismatic. everyone loved her. i still stalk her instagram even tho we havent talked in years. shes got everything i shouldve gotten in life. what did i do wrong? i know she must have her own struggles but i dont care.
i barely have any friends from school. my life has these blocks of memory just gone. i dont remember so much. she doesnt even feel real. when im looking at her instagram, i suddenly remember that she is real and start crying.
when the pandemic started my behaviour got worse. i stopped talking to everyone but 2 friends. one of them left me about 2 years later. i told her how bad i was doing. we didnt talk much after that. i dont have any male friedns either. it makes me feel like an incel. a fucking creep. last year i liked this guy from my year and im pretty sure i freaked him out. i kept looking at him. like i was some little girl who'd never seen a guy before. in 11th grade everyone around me felt so grown up. i felt like a little girl. i couldnt speak to anyone not even my friends. i was lucky they even kept hanging out with me. eventually i stopped talking. i just put my head down pretending to sleep. in 12th i switched to a dummy school. i only went to coaching for 2 hrs everyday and holed myself up inmy room. i tried my best to study well because if nothing else, i could be the smart one, right? i failed in that too. i fail in everything. i had to go to a private college with a degree i didnt want to do.
the first semester was not bad. i made friends, i talked to people. i scored on my exams. i went out. i felt great.
everything came crashing down somehow. funny how your own mind ruins shit for you. my friends are not my friends anymore. they prefer other people.
for some reason im very ashamed of my interests. ive refused to tell anyone about them. im not sure why. it feels like a crime. since 2021 ive been very into kpop. i found it so amazing how these people succeed at doing something they love. i would love to that with my art. recently ive been attached to this one idol because i want to be him so bad. i dont care that celebrities personalities are fake. i just want to be someone that people like being around. i want to be fun. i want to be able to tolerate myself.
i hate myself so much. i would give anything to be anyone else. i dont care who. just someone who doesnt hate themselves as much as i do.
life is supposed to be a gift. why is it so hard. why does it have to come to this. my life seems worthless.
Sometimes i used to think of myself as better than other people. im not sure why. but i remember wanting to be seen as better than others. maybe its because my sister was always good at whatever she did so i wanted to be too. i never reached out of my comfort zone. i only did what my parents approved or suggested. i never asked many questions and never tried many new things. i hate myself for that. i hate my parents for enabling my asocial behavior. and for sheltering me for so long. the first time i went to the store alone was when i was 16. i was never sent to any academic classes or competitions or did any extracurriculars. the only hobbies i did have, my parents told me to pursue by myself. maybe thats where my tendency to not ask for help comes.
i used to look at older kids hanging out and wish that id be like them one day. smart, social, talented. what even am i. i never raised my hand in class, i never asked questions. if i did question authority i kept it to myself. i spent my childhood watching cartoons. when other kids were playing sports with their friends, or discovering their talents.
my parents fought quite a bit when i was a kid. i remember one time when i was 10, my dad called in the middle of the night. he had been on a foreign business trip and was at the airport on his way back. he called my mom threatening to not come back. i still dont know why. we begged him to come back until he blocked my mom and sister. next day we went to school like usual not knowing if we'd have a dad anymore. he did come back. but his smile was so fake. my mom said he only came back for us.
i got more social at 11. and i also realised that my peers were so much smarter than me. they used to make fun of me behind my back. i didnt say anything because i was finally talking to other kids and making friends. this one girl i was friends with. she was perfect. she was so beautiful, smart, charismatic. everyone loved her. i still stalk her instagram even tho we havent talked in years. shes got everything i shouldve gotten in life. what did i do wrong? i know she must have her own struggles but i dont care.
i barely have any friends from school. my life has these blocks of memory just gone. i dont remember so much. she doesnt even feel real. when im looking at her instagram, i suddenly remember that she is real and start crying.
when the pandemic started my behaviour got worse. i stopped talking to everyone but 2 friends. one of them left me about 2 years later. i told her how bad i was doing. we didnt talk much after that. i dont have any male friedns either. it makes me feel like an incel. a fucking creep. last year i liked this guy from my year and im pretty sure i freaked him out. i kept looking at him. like i was some little girl who'd never seen a guy before. in 11th grade everyone around me felt so grown up. i felt like a little girl. i couldnt speak to anyone not even my friends. i was lucky they even kept hanging out with me. eventually i stopped talking. i just put my head down pretending to sleep. in 12th i switched to a dummy school. i only went to coaching for 2 hrs everyday and holed myself up inmy room. i tried my best to study well because if nothing else, i could be the smart one, right? i failed in that too. i fail in everything. i had to go to a private college with a degree i didnt want to do.
the first semester was not bad. i made friends, i talked to people. i scored on my exams. i went out. i felt great.
everything came crashing down somehow. funny how your own mind ruins shit for you. my friends are not my friends anymore. they prefer other people.
for some reason im very ashamed of my interests. ive refused to tell anyone about them. im not sure why. it feels like a crime. since 2021 ive been very into kpop. i found it so amazing how these people succeed at doing something they love. i would love to that with my art. recently ive been attached to this one idol because i want to be him so bad. i dont care that celebrities personalities are fake. i just want to be someone that people like being around. i want to be fun. i want to be able to tolerate myself.
i hate myself so much. i would give anything to be anyone else. i dont care who. just someone who doesnt hate themselves as much as i do.
life is supposed to be a gift. why is it so hard. why does it have to come to this. my life seems worthless.
