Hi, all. New here. I have been suffering with multiple autoimmune diseases for two years now; the last year is when the pain became unbearable. One of them causes severe dry eyes (It feels like there is pepper spray in my eyes 24/7), severe dry mouth, fatigue and now neurological issues. The other causes severe stomach pain and skin issues, which have not only stolen my good looks but are extremely painful as well. I also have severe endometriosis. I have spent tens of thousands of dollars, while having excellent health care, seeing doctors in my state and in other states to try to get relief. I have tried every single treatment multiple times with no relief. I have gone the holistic route out of pocket, which, ironically is what I think really put me on a downward spiral the last year. The medical professionals, including my psychiatrist, have all told me that there are no cures and to just live with it. I have had some explicitly tell me that they don't care about my suffering and that their lives will continue to go on (You can imagine how demoralizing that is to hear the very people you're begging for help to dismiss you).
I'm only 32 and the life I had once is gone. I had a six figure job that I loved with great benefits and that I was genuinely good at. I had a beautiful house and now apartment. I had no trouble with romantic relationships. I was pretty good looking and was someone who tried to contribute positively to the world through my job and volunteer activities. I had peace. I had a nice, boring life that allowed me to live comfortably while enjoying my work, friends and family. Now I have nothing but pain. I can't work, I can't sleep, I can barely eat and drink, I can't drive, I can't even shower without pain. I spend my days simply existing while doing literally nothing. I would be happy at this point to be able to work at McDonalds and watch tv on my downtime if I could keep my eyes open for longer than 30 minutes without serious pain.
This is not me. I was always that person that was disturbingly happy to go to work at the crack of dawn and then would come home and clean my whole house and do yard work with the dog. The only reason I am not homeless and completely destitute yet is because I have some money in savings from working for ten years and a retirement account that I am rapidly draining to pay my rent, utilities, and now health insurance, which is ridiculously expensive where I am and is not giving me any relief anyway. I have completely isolated myself family members and friends because they do not understand the pain I am experiencing. They keep telling me that other people have it worse or I could be paralyzed or have cancer or insertxyz. I find this to be so humiliating.
I've done therapy, I've done meds (They make my dry eyes and mouth even worse). I've tried over the last two years to maintain as normal of a life as I could despite the pain. And I think I put up a pretty good fight. It's very clear at this point that I can barely function. I look like a zombie, there are people with cancer or AIDS that I know who look healthier than me. I have felt like I am slowly dying for the past year and just want to be put out of my misery at this point. I was hospitalized involuntarily last spring when a family member called the police out of concern. Ironically I was not suicidal then and had no clue of how I would even go about doing it. They kept me for two days and then let me go because they didn't know what to do with me. The whole process was traumatizing to me as I felt I was being punished for being distraught about physical, medical issues out of my control. The workers there did not communicate with any of my medical doctors and told me I was delusional about my conditions and bipolar. They did nothing for any of my physical issues and I actually left there severely dehydrated. The psychiatrist I was seeing before has diagnosed me with anxiety and depression and in no way bipolar disorder. My current psychiatrist agrees with this. I am not an alcoholic or drug addict so the detox program in the psych ward had nothing to offer me. I would never do anything to knowingly hurt another person so no homicidal tendencies. I am now terrified of hospitals and the psych ward in general.
So that brings me here. I wish I did not have to end my life but I feel there is not another option. I am not living at this point. What I have is incurable and the treatments for symptomatic relief are not and have not been working. It is baffling to me and I have become very angry at the fact that we put our pets down out of compassion but do not allow an adult human, especially one who has tried all avenues for a long period of time, to end it as painlessly as possible. I do not live in a state where physician assisted suicide is legal and the complications of my diseases are not considered terminal at this point. I've looked into going to another country but again I am not terminal and do not want to waste the money I do still have flying back and forth, etc.
I actually have what I guess you could call a failed attempt. I booked the penthouse suite in a large city through AirBNB in mid December and planned to jump. It was on the 50th floor so I know it was high enough and barring any insane twists of fate would have worked. I had tied up any loose ends back home, written out notes and was truly at peace with it. I remember feeling so calm in the Uber there. When I got there I just couldn't do it. Not out of fear but because I didn't realize how crowded the area was around this penthouse at all hours and didn't want to hurt anyone else by jumping, especially a child. I also felt immensely guilty about the fact that the owner would have to deal with repercussions (Loss of income from the police investigation, stress, etc). I cannot and will not do anything that is going to harm anyone else. So I basically wasted a decent amount of money and now know that jumping is not an option unless I can find somewhere high enough that is remote. I don't think that is possible where I am located.
So I'm not sure where that leaves me. I have gone through some insane emotional trauma (Death of a parent In young adulthood, emotionally and financially abusive romantic relationship) in my life and have always been able to cope, work and function normally. But this multitude of physical pain has really unraveled me. If you read all this you seriously deserve a cookie and I thank you for taking the time to read.
I'm only 32 and the life I had once is gone. I had a six figure job that I loved with great benefits and that I was genuinely good at. I had a beautiful house and now apartment. I had no trouble with romantic relationships. I was pretty good looking and was someone who tried to contribute positively to the world through my job and volunteer activities. I had peace. I had a nice, boring life that allowed me to live comfortably while enjoying my work, friends and family. Now I have nothing but pain. I can't work, I can't sleep, I can barely eat and drink, I can't drive, I can't even shower without pain. I spend my days simply existing while doing literally nothing. I would be happy at this point to be able to work at McDonalds and watch tv on my downtime if I could keep my eyes open for longer than 30 minutes without serious pain.
This is not me. I was always that person that was disturbingly happy to go to work at the crack of dawn and then would come home and clean my whole house and do yard work with the dog. The only reason I am not homeless and completely destitute yet is because I have some money in savings from working for ten years and a retirement account that I am rapidly draining to pay my rent, utilities, and now health insurance, which is ridiculously expensive where I am and is not giving me any relief anyway. I have completely isolated myself family members and friends because they do not understand the pain I am experiencing. They keep telling me that other people have it worse or I could be paralyzed or have cancer or insertxyz. I find this to be so humiliating.
I've done therapy, I've done meds (They make my dry eyes and mouth even worse). I've tried over the last two years to maintain as normal of a life as I could despite the pain. And I think I put up a pretty good fight. It's very clear at this point that I can barely function. I look like a zombie, there are people with cancer or AIDS that I know who look healthier than me. I have felt like I am slowly dying for the past year and just want to be put out of my misery at this point. I was hospitalized involuntarily last spring when a family member called the police out of concern. Ironically I was not suicidal then and had no clue of how I would even go about doing it. They kept me for two days and then let me go because they didn't know what to do with me. The whole process was traumatizing to me as I felt I was being punished for being distraught about physical, medical issues out of my control. The workers there did not communicate with any of my medical doctors and told me I was delusional about my conditions and bipolar. They did nothing for any of my physical issues and I actually left there severely dehydrated. The psychiatrist I was seeing before has diagnosed me with anxiety and depression and in no way bipolar disorder. My current psychiatrist agrees with this. I am not an alcoholic or drug addict so the detox program in the psych ward had nothing to offer me. I would never do anything to knowingly hurt another person so no homicidal tendencies. I am now terrified of hospitals and the psych ward in general.
So that brings me here. I wish I did not have to end my life but I feel there is not another option. I am not living at this point. What I have is incurable and the treatments for symptomatic relief are not and have not been working. It is baffling to me and I have become very angry at the fact that we put our pets down out of compassion but do not allow an adult human, especially one who has tried all avenues for a long period of time, to end it as painlessly as possible. I do not live in a state where physician assisted suicide is legal and the complications of my diseases are not considered terminal at this point. I've looked into going to another country but again I am not terminal and do not want to waste the money I do still have flying back and forth, etc.
I actually have what I guess you could call a failed attempt. I booked the penthouse suite in a large city through AirBNB in mid December and planned to jump. It was on the 50th floor so I know it was high enough and barring any insane twists of fate would have worked. I had tied up any loose ends back home, written out notes and was truly at peace with it. I remember feeling so calm in the Uber there. When I got there I just couldn't do it. Not out of fear but because I didn't realize how crowded the area was around this penthouse at all hours and didn't want to hurt anyone else by jumping, especially a child. I also felt immensely guilty about the fact that the owner would have to deal with repercussions (Loss of income from the police investigation, stress, etc). I cannot and will not do anything that is going to harm anyone else. So I basically wasted a decent amount of money and now know that jumping is not an option unless I can find somewhere high enough that is remote. I don't think that is possible where I am located.
So I'm not sure where that leaves me. I have gone through some insane emotional trauma (Death of a parent In young adulthood, emotionally and financially abusive romantic relationship) in my life and have always been able to cope, work and function normally. But this multitude of physical pain has really unraveled me. If you read all this you seriously deserve a cookie and I thank you for taking the time to read.
