Loneliness Megathread

[LastLoveLetter]

A recurring theme I have seen on this forum is persistent and profound loneliness. There are many members who have no companionship or connections in their lives at all, always alone and isolated. Others may have some relationships in their lives, but still feel alienated or neglected.

Some have shared that their seclusion has directly caused their suicidality. Some have stated that loneliness exacerbates it. Being suicidal is in itself often a lonely experience, resulting in ostracism and struggling to find understanding. I truly feel that SS is an important lifeline for us. I have encountered nowhere else we can discuss suicidality, systemic exclusion and social rejection so candidly.

The palpable desolation and soul crushing despair that many of us feel is unfathomable to those with healthy, loving support networks. I often find personally that people do not understand that going out and cultivating these connections is not always possible.

As such, I decided to create a Megathread for this subject. The aim is for those who are lonely in life to have a space where they can vent their frustrations, discuss their positions with others in a similar situation and support each other - perhaps even connecting with one another in the process (and becoming a little less lonely as a result).

You can post as much or as little as you like. I will always try my best to check in regularly, both to share and to respond to others.

I'll start by saying that I have always found it difficult to create and subsequently maintain connections, and have long suspected that I am autistic. I have no family and no friends. I am fortunate to have a boyfriend. Although I truly appreciate him, due to the the extent of my illnesses I feel very alone in the world, especially since my symptoms are routinely dismissed and undermined by peers and professionals alike. I often feel like such a burden that it means we do not have a typical relationship, as it revolves around my limitations when we are together. I am awaiting the day he eventually leaves to pursue a balanced relationship, and I truthfully would not blame him if he chooses to separate. I cannot even fulfill his needs romantically due to my illnesses and Complex PTSD, and the guilt of that crushes me.

I spend most of my life housebound, and a large proportion of it bedbound. SS is the only thing I have resembling a social network.

My hope for this thread is that some of us may find even a little bit of solace and solidarity from each other.

Staff will monitor this thread to ensure it stays on topic and is a safe, supportive space for those who participate.

 

[meetapple]

My problem is that I have been made to feel inferior by society which causes me to avoid people. I feel like no one really has the same problems as me.

 

[Addi_Madd]

I haven't had a proper relationship for years. There's a man currently who'll sleep with me but won't be seen in public with me and won't tell anyone about our relationship. He's single but I don't think he wants people to know he's fucking someone who looks like me as I'm not a beautiful woman that a man would want to show off.

 

[littlelungs]

I'm likewise chronically ill, way too many problems to list here, but I've mentioned the lot of them a few times around this forum. Being chronically ill in my case means (among many others) extreme isolation, because any sensory stimulation or physical activity leads to permanent worsening and thus further suffering that I cannot afford. I'm housebound and mostly bedbound, spending most of my days in a dark room with earplugs in. I rarely speak because, again, permanent worsening, so I mainly communicate over text. I've tried to make friends online a couple of times, but because I can't speak and I can't always reply in a timely manner, it never works out. Also, most people just don't understand what it means to be chronically ill and its implications and consequences, and while I'm glad on the one hand that they don't have the experience to understand that, it just means further social isolation.

The social isolation in and of itself isn't what bothers me or makes me feel lonely (I've always been introverted and have preferred to keep my circle small, even before I became severely physically ill, and I'm very wary of other people and their intentions, which I don't think is unreasonable); rather it's the fact that I rarely feel heard by most other people, and had to fight for so long just to get someone to listen when it really mattered. The only person who truly understands IRL is my husband (likewise severely chronically ill) and to a large extent my mom (who always tries to understand), and at this point I just don't have it in me anymore to constantly explain myself and my situation to people who clearly don't even care to begin with, and I often badly struggle to put my thoughts and experiences into words, anyway, which is probably already apparent in this post. My reality is (and almost always has been) just too far-off from what most other people can really fathom, and because of this, the more people I'm around, the lonelier I feel.

This is a great idea for a thread, @-Persephone-. Just as an aside, you're one of the members in particular who I can relate to the most, just based on what I've read here, but I'm nowhere even close to being as articulate as you are. I just tend to ramble on and on to no true end, and then when I finally do decide to wrap it up I don't even know if what I said made sense and feel the need to apologize for it and add disclaimers and shit then I feel like an anxious, obnoxious twat. My mind is just a total disaster 24/7.

 

[Amumu]

Being suicidal is in itself often a lonely experience, resulting in ostracism and struggling to find understanding. I truly feel that SS is an important lifeline for us. I

You're right, it's an important lifeline to be told to kill yourself by some members (and to be ostracised at the same time, paradoxically and) to never write anything under the pretence "you derail threads" while you just respond calmly to people's comments. I truly feel that SS is an important lifeline to find peaceful methods and talk about suicide methods, and I thank the admins and the mods for that.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

You're right, it's an important lifeline to be told to kill yourself by some members (and to be ostracised at the same time, paradoxically) to never write anything under the pretence "you derail threads" while you just respond calmly to people's comments. I truly feel that SS is an important lifeline to find peaceful methods and talk about suicide methods, and I thank the admins and the mods for that.

I'm so sorry Amumu. It is never okay to tell someone to kill themselves, especially not on a site like this. No matter how much a member opposes another member's views, it is unacceptable to tell them to kill themselves and I can completely understand how this has made you feel less safe and supported. You didn't deserve to deal with that.

I will respond to the replies people have written as soon as I can. Thank you so much to everyone shared their situations and stories. I want to do them justice by sitting down and taking the time to respond in detail. I just had to say this.

 

[motel rooms]

Recently I'm having trouble speaking Portuguese. I think of a word in English but can't translate to my native language. Don't know how I feel about that.

 

[meetapple]

You really are a loving goddess, aren't you?

Your love and kindness are simply astonishingly heart-warming. I never met someone like you. Despite everything you are having to endure, you went through all the trouble to create a safe space for people to vent about their problems, connect with one another. You write a beautiful post every time with so much love and especially so much intelligence that some words I didn't even knew (Even in my native language.)

I wish I have met you in different circumstances, it pains me so much to see you in a website related to suicide, to see you write about your problems and mostly, I shed tears when you wrote in another thread that you do not consider yourself in a recovery position. I cannot bear the thought of someone like you suffering and leaving this place. You if ever have to go, I wish the very best for you, either sitting in your rightful beautiful throne in a heavenly sanctuary or simply sleeping peacefully, without any pain.

Maybe that's why your boyfriend doesn't leave you. Maybe he will never leave until your last day. Who would leave? There is no one like you in this earth.

Well, excuse me. Somethings have the need to be said about you. And I'll say it every time.

Moving on.
---

My life has always been lonely. I came from very nice family, but they unfortunately lack the ability to connect with others. My parents had very few friends, mostly from work, but without much connection. That doesn't seem to bother them. They were always fearful from anyone outside they family circle.
I do suspect that all my family have some kind of problem with empathy, except for my mother, they never showed much signs of compassion towards others. If they have no familiar tie with someone, them they simply can't feel anything for that person.

My mother, although very empathic, is very religious, to a point where it's difficult to talk with her without her bringing up some preaching line. She forced me to go to church thousand times, every time I had a problem, being a disease, mental illness, problem at school, anything. She would drag me to the church, listen to the whole session and they make me talk to the priest.
It's okay, it's her lifestyle, I just feel completely disconnected from her because of it.

Though my life I felt like an outsider. I had very few friends, mostly were other outsiders, but not nearly as I were. People made fun of me every time. School were simply a torture, my grades were always bad because I couldn't bring myself to like anything related to school. It was a place where I felt alone and when people caught an eye of me, they made fun.

Group projects were very difficult, nobody wanted to form a team with me, sometimes even the one friend I had, were already on a team. I lost count of how many times I had to go to the teacher and ask if I could do the project alone.
Judging by looks were not different, girls were disgusted only by looking at my face. That were a common game were people would write names of the students in a piece of paper and pass on to everyone so people could rate their looks. My name were never on the list, even once when we had a big classroom with 50 students, my name were the only one that was not on the list.

That until fifth grade, where someone asked me: "Which girl did I liked". I ended up saying her name, they told her, she just laughed and asked the other girls "Who would date this thing?", they laughed too.
That hurt me, mentally, the problem was, the boys began to make fun of me and a more intense style of bullying began. I were punched every day.

"Prove yourself. Show that you are a man. She is looking at you !"

Well, I did tried. But they were much stronger and taller than me, on top of that, I were outnumbered every time. Its difficult trying to fight someone when you are kicked in the back and sent flying to the fist of your opponent.
The teachers usually pretended they didn't saw it.
In those fights I broke my arm, my nose and my finger.

I did met some friends in sixth grade. We liked RPG, that's what he had in common. At least it were a few friends, but they would usually bully me too sometimes. I still have connection with two of them.

One of them, I helped through very tough times. He broke up with his girlfriend, came back to from a very good trip and life was just so boring for him that he was beginning to feel suicidal. I offered him support, talked a lot with him. In the end he managed to recover.
Recently I ended up slipping that I access a website related to suicide, he proceed to try to "help" me too. But his help were telling me things like: "Don't do anything stupid", "I'll punch you in the face if you do.", "Try meditation.", "Are you seeing a psychologist?" - I appreciate his support. But it was really not the kind of support I gave him back then and now I feel that I need to hide a few things from him.

The other friend kicked me out from a WhatsApp group because I were not being active (My breathing issue had became way worse and it was really affecting me). He also stopped inviting me to RPG session and killed my character so he could play without having to invite me. He didn't even told me he was going to do that, I found out recently. No problem with that, I felt betrayed, but it's okay. He is a good friend. We haven't spoke ever since last year though. He is kinda famous now and know too many people to worry about me, so I guess that's why.

That's my story, I guess. Don't even feel the need to add that romantic relationships were non-existent. I had sex with sex-workers (I kinda knew one of them.), five times, or else I would be a virgin up until today.

I used an app where I met a girl from Germany. Surprisingly we were the only ones who take the app seriously and not made into a dating app like every other user. (Unless people would say that I dated her.) We used to share poems, songs, and sometimes write about us. But then one day she said that she would not be writing for me again and asked me to stop writing. I asked why, but she didn't reply. Maybe she had a boyfriend? Well I wouldn't care, she were my friend. But maybe she didn't saw like that, or were afraid that her boyfriend might find out she were texting me. I miss her a lot. A therapist called "A break up.", well, I suppose we could say that, to some extent.

My best mate were always a joystick and a good game. Sometimes a few players online, were I made a few friends in a guild, but we never talked about our personal lives. Just gaming stuff.

SS has been a place where I can connect the most with people. Unfortunately, I have to see a lot of users ctb, which it's really difficult. I made friends here. A place where I though it could not exist, due to the main subject of the website and because I though compassion were impossible in this world. I'm grateful for this place. For meeting people like you, @-Persephone- and a lot of other users here.

OBS: That's a really big post, isn't? Who would thought I could write such big texts in English?
Recently I'm having trouble speaking Portuguese. I think of a word in English but can't translate to my native language. Don't know how I feel about that. Probably happy, I hate my country.

Whoever read this, Thanks for the patience. ^^

You, just like Persephone, seem to have a kind word for everyone. I am sorry to hear about some of the things you went through but I am glad you shared.

 

[deflationary]

I often badly struggle to put my thoughts and experiences into words

There might be internal struggle during the process but from what I've seen of your posts the end result is always clear and coherent from the outside! I'm always impressed by how some people on this forum that have so much more on their plates than I do still manage to write long, coherent, even insightful posts. I feel like I'm barely able to string together a sentence half the time. I'm also impressed by how empathetic and nice some of the worst-suffering members here are. I don't know how you've managed to not turn completely bitter.

 

[Phosphophyllite]

I think I've become desensitized to my loneliness. I've been lonely for so long that I genuinely don't desire to connect with others anymore, and I actively isolate myself from the world. It's probably just a coping mechanism my brain latched onto after dealing with loneliness for my entire life. I suspect a combination of a disadvantaged upbringing and undiagnosed autism is why I always had trouble with people and relationships. I don't feel human and I feel as if I wasn't meant to be in this world.

Trauma is very alienating and, needless to say, it has aggravated my loneliness; normal people can't understand my experiences and I can't understand their experiences. When one of my few loved ones was dying of a terminal illness, the world continued to move on as if nothing was happening—I absolutely loathed the fact that people were still enjoying their lives while my own world was falling apart. I now know that was an irrational and selfish feeling, but I've never really recovered ever since. I also had no one to talk to about my trauma, which of course made me feel even more alone.

I could write an entire book about my experience, but I'll end it here. Thank you for making threads like this; they help the community a lot.

 

[Midgardsorm]

I think I've become desensitized to my loneliness. I've been lonely for so long that I genuinely don't desire to connect with others anymore, and I actively isolate myself from the world. It's probably just a coping mechanism my brain latched onto after dealing with loneliness for my entire life. I suspect a combination of a disadvantaged upbringing and undiagnosed autism is why I always had trouble with people and relationships. I don't feel human and I feel as if I wasn't meant to be in this world.

Trauma is very alienating and, needless to say, it has aggravated my loneliness; normal people can't understand my experiences and I can't understand their experiences. When one of my few loved ones was dying of a terminal illness, the world continued to move on as if nothing was happening—I absolutely loathed the fact that people were still enjoying their lives while my own world was falling apart. I now know that was an irrational and selfish feeling, but I've never really recovered ever since. I also had no one to talk to about my trauma, which of course made me feel even more alone.

I could write an entire book about my experience, but I'll end it here. Thank you for making threads like this; they help the community a lot.

Oh come on, don't leave me to be the only one who wrote an entire book about my experience ^^

I'm kidding. I never were able to cope with my loneliness, I grew used to it, but at the end of the day I was always sad.

I'm really sorry for what happened. Losing people we love especially when we are already isolated is utterly painful.

Just know that you can talk to us. Whenever you want.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

I....want to say so much, but, right now I can barely focus on typing this out. Loneliness is the least of my problems. Trying to stave off completely becoming catatonic is my priority.

 

[Pisceslilith]

This is a great thread. I admire the way you way with words. I've been lonely for so long that I've gotten used to it. I don't really have a choice anyways, I'm not sure if I care anymore. I'm not really a big fan of people, I do miss being able to talk like a normal human being though. I used to be funny and could hold conversations, I don't even know how I made friends back then but that persons dead now. I have nothing to offer people anymore, it's upsetting because I realized if you don't have anything to offer (being funny/entertaining, looks, etc…) people don't really want to be around you or establish a relationship with you. People don't really like you for your general existence. I feel like it was that way for me, I had to perform while the other person could just 'be'and I would still consider them a "friend". I don't try anymore, I stay in the house all the time, I don't think I ever had a true genuine friend since maybe elementary school or even kindergarten (sad I know). My parent is around but honestly things are different now and I realized I don't feel comfortable around them at all neither do I really want to be around them (stems from childhood), so I basically have no one. I don't think I've ever had anyone period. I'm just a background character. I don't even know why I'm here to be honest and I'm getting pretty sick of it.

 

[hʚll]

most times i just think what even the point is in trying to find words to express things if i'm scared of words. i think words hurt, no matter what they say. that makes me feel like we'll always be lonely because i feel like there is always some kind of misunderstanding between us all. and it's hard to fix it. maybe i'm meaning this in a metaphysical way? i'm not sure. but it's painful. it's complex to try to say it .in my mind i think i can see it but when i have to express it for the outside, it's like as if the words i use are corrupting the idea. that feels hopeless, and makes me feel a barrier.
i also have the constant feeling that being alone is the safest thing one can do to not hurt others and theirself, until death takes them out. it's scary to hurt others, even if you don't mean to , even if they aren't aware of it.
sorry if this doesn't make much sense.
i am sorry you are all suffering. i wish you peace.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

Not having friends have no effect on me, my family has a miniscule positive effect (used to be zero but I'm getting warmed up). The feeling of not having a gf has been causing me an average of perhaps 5 minutes of mild to moderate emotional pain per day for the past 5 years or so. Now, that's the estimated average; if I were to map it out, the pain would be made up of a few days a week with intense but short "tfw no gf" and a few episodes a month of intense and prolonged crying/fetal position/weird moments/silent screaming/laughing. And there are of course daily small instances of pain that I don't really count since they are not enough to cause any impairment. E.g: walking past a woman, going to the gym and having women be there, etc.

Guess I'm lucky to not be bothered by the lack of friends/social relationships in general and to have a good family.

 

[Meliæ]

.

What a beautiful love letter

 

[motel rooms]

I'm also impressed by how empathetic and nice some of the worst-suffering members here are. I don't know how you've managed to not turn completely bitter.

Yeah, that is no small feat...

 

[OnlyTheWind]

Being lonely sucks! No matter what perceived qualities I possess, I will never be able to get with someone I am actually interested in. Sometimes I feel suicidally jealous of guys who can just approach girls and be charming enough to get a date out of it.

 

[Midgardsorm]

Being lonely sucks! No matter what perceived qualities I possess, I will never be able to get with someone I am actually interested in. Sometimes I feel suicidally jealous of guys who can just approach girls and be charming enough to get a date out of it.

Wut?

A co-worker once were SO good at hitting on girls. Seriously I don't know how she manage do to that. She dated like every girl she wanted.

I asked her for an advice on how to approach women and she said that she only here good because: "It's easier when you're gay."

I believed in her and now you're telling me that it's not? I'm gonna have to ask her again ...Or ask if she was advising me to go gay.

 

[Meliæ]

It's easy when you have nothing more to do in your life than hitting people...

 

[OnlyTheWind]

Wut?

A co-worker once were SO good at hitting on girls. Seriously I don't know how she manage do to that. She dated like every girl she wanted.

I asked her for an advice on how to approach women and she said that she only here good because: "It's easier when you're gay."

I believed in her and now you're telling me that it's not? I'm gonna have to ask her again ...Or ask if she was advising me to go gay.

I'm not gay or female. But I am deficient in self-esteem and confidence.

 

[OrcWitch]

I think I was born to be lonely. I was born to a vulnerable narcissistic mother and a robot father. They were both emotionally incapable of giving affection, and the only adult who gave me affection was my grandpa. I grew up as a latchkey kid, cooking myself meals and raising myself. By age 9 I noticed that other children's parents paid more attention to them. My dad worked and shut himself in a room in the basement, my mom locked herself in the master bedroom and you had to walk on eggshells not to make her explode.

In early grade school I was "that kid" who smelled like shit, because my parents didn't do anything to have a pleasant smelling child. A few times my mom blew up out of nowhere and screamed at me for smelling bad, in retrospect I believe this is because another adult called her out on it and I was a source of making her look bad. It made me alienated and the weird kid. It wasn't until 4th grade I developed the maturity to ensure I smelled fine.

In middle school my few friends abandoned me. That sounds melodramatic but I had 3 best friends. They all became too cool to be seen with me, and became the three musketeers without me. Once they invited me to the dance and encouraged me to come with, then when I went with them they told me to go away and that they didn't want me around them. In retrospect they kept me around as the punching bag, and I basically hungout with them to be bullied by them. I basically shut down and didn't talk to anyone, and I got into mmorpgs and online forums.

My parents got divorced because my mom was an unstable psycho, and I started living with my dad and grandpa. My second day living with them they sat me down and yelled at me for being overweight, then my dad put rotting molding salad mix on a plate and made me eat it, telling me I needed to start eating healthier. Despite this my grandpa basically forced fast food on me everyday. He started molesting me in the morning when he got me up for school. I played world of warcraft and used 4chan and thought about committing suicide all the time. I stopped brushing my teeth or taking care of myself at all really. I dropped out of highschool and got my GED. I lost all my weight and became skinny when I started working and feeding myself, and emotionally coping with marijuana and alcohol and tobacco instead of food. I have not been overweight since.

On my 19th birthday my mom sent me an email apologizing for moving away, and saying she loved me and had been a horrible mother to me. She convinced me to move to her 6 months later. That went well for a few months until she started getting mad at me for working a fastfood job and sleeping on her couch. She stole my money a few times, then acted like the victim when I got upset. She screamed at me for crying on my 20th birthday because she perceived it as an attack on her. She kicked me out that December, and I had to sleep on the floor of my manager's apartment. I got an air mattress soon and built a comfy life at his house, and his wife felt sorry for me. But they were opiate addicts and always extorting money from me, so it was very hard to save to get an apartment. I was young and immature, and did a botched attempt at killing myself while living with them by trying to overdose laying in the snow in the woods. Instead I just vomited like crazy, went home and laid in the bathtub for 3 hours.

Eventually I moved in with an older woman who was looking for a roommate, she was in her early 30s and I was about to turn 21. I couldn't find a friend or boyfriend. My sister said she would go to my 21st birthday, but instead she went out to some costume party thing. My mom sent me pictures of my sister out having fun that night. I invited 5 people from work and they all stood me up, and I drank alone at a bar then went home. It was after that point I gave up on being outgoing, and I found it more comfortable to just sit on the computer than to risk rejection.

I eventually found me savior relationship but it turned physically abusive eventually. One evening my abuser gave me a concussion by hitting me in the back of the head while I had my back turned, and I already had a bruised cheek and eye from the previous few days. I am in therapy for some of the violence I put up with during it and was diagnosed with PTSD.I also have gone no contact with my mom and sister, as they have both treated me poorly. I have not had another real life relationship since then.

I got a job where a girl at work started to be my friend. I even took a bus to a mall with her and we went shopping and got lunch together. At work one day I was within ear shot(people speak very loudly), she was talking about going out drinking with 2 other girls from work that weekend. This girl who was trying to be my friend threw in a suggestion they invite me, and the other girl gave this sarcastic "uh... yeah we'll see about that...." response. I tried to act worldly and like I was too high iq to feel anything about it, but I cried pretty hard in my bed once I got home. I moved away and did not bother keeping contact with her.

I made a real life friend in 2020 and I spent a lot of time with her, and she was nice to me. She found a relationship and moved away, and I am back to being alone. I have discord friends and they are what keeps me sane. Sometimes I think I am more grown up and less affected by my isolation, I do not cry very often and feel mellow most of the time. but I am in a discord server of mostly females. I saw them talking about going out partying and having boyfriends and it made me cry the other night, I rarely cry but felt this huge wave of jealousy.

I am turning 29 in a few months and I have never lived. I have a tremendous lump in my throat writing any of this. I feel like I was born to have this failure of a life. Legitimately the only reason I do not kill myself is holding out for the day I have friends and a job and a marriage, and I am not alone. I go to college and I comfort myself in bed at night by playing these little movie clips in my head of the things I would do as a person in a relationship. I want to die because I am losing confidence of this ever coming true. I don't know why I had to be born.

 

[sadworld]

Thank you so much for this thread. You're struggling yourself but you still care about the loneliness of other people. That's so unbelievably kind of you.
Loneliness is also one of my main struggles.

I've been hurt many times by other people in the past so I am afraid to make friendships or socialise, even online. Besides that my avpd keeps me from any social interactions irl and it also sometimes affects me online as well.

In groups for example I am always the one who gets left out, in real life but also online. I feel like I never fit in anywhere.

All my life long I have been trying to overcome my social anxiety but everytime I did I was always left and forgotten. It hurts like hell when you are always the one person everyone cares the least about.

I've never had any relationship and the last time I had friends was back in 5th grade. Before that, my life was pretty normal but after that was when all the bullying and getting abandoned by "friends" started.

I still kept trying and trying to fit in but it made everything worse and worse.

I don't want to get hurt anymore.
A part of me still hopes that maybe one day I will find someone who understands me. Because this loneliness hurts.

But the most part of me has already lost all hope.

I hope to find love and everything I could not find on this world in death.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Makko]

I am turning 29 in a few months and I have never lived. I have a tremendous lump in my throat writing any of this. I feel like I was born to have this failure of a life. Legitimately the only reason I do not kill myself is holding out for the day I have friends and a job and a marriage, and I am not alone. I go to college and I comfort myself in bed at night by playing these little movie clips in my head of the things I would do as a person in a relationship. I want to die because I am losing confidence of this ever coming true. I don't know why I had to be born.

I think getting a relationship should only get harder the older you are. I'm the same age as you and my (asian) family already considers me spoiled goods. While 28 is obviously too early to throw in the towel, I hear dating difficulty complaints from similarly aged women that I didn't hear before. The most important thing ought to be how gracefully you age.

 

[RainAndSadness]

That's a good thread. I've been lonely my entire life but ever since I did my transition, I haven't really had any romantic or sexual experiences anymore and it's a very important reason as to why I regret transition to a certain extend. Sure, I feel a lot more comfortable in my body now but at what cost? I've completely killed my social life and any perspective to ever have a fulfilling relationship ever again. According to studies, only close to 2% of the general (heteronormative) population is willing to date us. What does that mean? The chances of people actually being into you (despite being trans) are very slim. And most people that are ready to have sexual intercourse with trans people only do so because they get a huge kick out of that. As sad as it is, we are just a kink for many people and nothing more, thanks to the porn industry that lumps transgender people and "shemales" together and portrays us as sexual deviants that only wait to have our dicks sucked. You know it's true when the first question of most people expressing interest into you is about your genitals. And this image that's out there now thanks to the porn industry couldn't be further from the truth but we have to deal with this fantasy of other people on daily base. We have to serve as the outlet of the depraved fantasies of other men. This unhealthy bias affects mostly trans women, as far as I know. I don't know why, but guys think it's super hot if a woman has a dick - which isn't the problem. The problem is when we're solely reduced to our genitals and that's the case very often. I want to be seen as an individual with feelings and desires and not as a cock attached to a female body. I'm more than just "trans". Anyway, here is the link to said study.

New Research Shows a Vast Majority of Cis People Won't Date Trans People

A recent study attempts to quantify the extent of trans discrimination when it comes to romantic and sexual relationships.

www.them.us

 

[Midgardsorm]

I'm not gay or female. But I am deficient in self-esteem and confidence.

Really sorry. I thought you were female.

 

[OrcWitch]

It first felt overwhelming and then cathartic writing my feelings. I think I can keep trying for a short time before calling this life a lost cause. I am not some person who has a higher calling and a strong drive to create art or philosophize or research things. The end all be all of my life is being loved and loving others. I have no aspirations beyond having a small home to come to and sharing moments with someone else. I have been getting ready to exit bag myself before this year ends, but at least for today I feel like maybe I can wait a little longer to find what I want. It's not unthinkable for 2 broken people to meet in their early 30s and make a life together.

I think getting a relationship should only get harder the older you are. I'm the same age as you and my (asian) family already considers me spoiled goods. While 28 is obviously too early to throw in the towel, I hear dating difficulty complaints from similarly aged women that I didn't hear before. The most important thing ought to be how gracefully you age.

You are right, it is too early to throw in the towel. I will postpone my nitrogen asphyxiation until a later time.

The problem is when we're solely reduced to our genitals and that's the case very often. I want to be seen as an individual with feelings and desires and not as a cock attached to a female body.

It really seems like the ultimate form of objectifying another person. And humiliating.

 

[irememberinnocence]

Thank you for making this thread. I see a lot of fellow autists here. I'm chronically ill and have complex ptsd too. I connect socially with people but it never lasts. Or it does but then I do end up feeling like they can't really see who I am at all, and that is frustratingly lonely to an infinite degree. At this stage in my life I feel so alienated from society. I don't have any close connections anymore. And even if the right people did come along I don't think I'd be capable of it anymore. They would have to have the patience of a Saint to coax me centimetre by centimeter out of my shell and gain my trust at a true snail's pace. I'm nearly 30. I don't want a romantic relationship. I just wish there were a few people I could feel safe around and that there was a safe place where I felt was home. To the world I appear like this bold blunt person who just gets on with life no matter what, but on the inside the emotional pain of profound isolation devours me.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

I feel lonely in the presence of other people, and not in the absence of them. I do not actually want friends, relationships, connections and et cetera - at least not anymore.

 

[littlelungs]

There might be internal struggle during the process but from what I've seen of your posts the end result is always clear and coherent from the outside! I'm always impressed by how some people on this forum that have so much more on their plates than I do still manage to write long, coherent, even insightful posts. I feel like I'm barely able to string together a sentence half the time. I'm also impressed by how empathetic and nice some of the worst-suffering members here are. I don't know how you've managed to not turn completely bitter.

Aw, thank you. I'm glad that my posts are at least somewhat intelligible to other people, haha. That eases my mind a bit.

People just generally give me anxiety and I'm admittedly very sensitive to rejection when I *do* put myself out there, and I always feel like no matter what I say, it's stupid and nobody wants to hear it... which could very well be true, but that doesn't mean it doesn't feel bad and that the mere thought of people judging me doesn't nag away at me while I'm writing up a post. There have been quite a few times where I've wanted to participate in a discussion but felt like everything I was saying was all wrong, or I just couldn't get the thoughts out at all. Again, I just have a really difficult time expressing myself between the brain fog, invalidation, trauma, anxiety etc, and the fact that I often feel like words are simply inadequate.

As for not being completely bitter... I'm not gonna lie, it's hard not to be, but more than anything, I'm just so fucking tired. This life has beaten me to a pulp and I take solace in the fact that every passing day is one day closer to finally getting some actual god damn rest.

And at the risk of sounding like a self-righteous prick (here I go again with the disclaimers), I think a good part of why I try to show as much empathy and compassion towards others as I possibly can, is because I know how awful it feels to constantly be treated like absolute garbage and the kind of long-term consequences that it can have on a person, and I just want to (at least) be one less asshole in their life – and I think this is the case for a lot of others as well. It's also just always been important to me that other people feel welcome and included, so whenever I see someone who's lonely (and doesn't want to be) I just feel for them so much. It truly breaks my heart to read all of these posts, and I admit I shed a few tears because of it.

I'm just so sorry that you're all having such a hard time. Life can be absolutely ruthless.