Venting loneliness, despair, survivors guilt

[aikoelis6]

it's getting so bad... i relapsed burning myself again after 8 months... ive been completely alone for 12 years, ever since my lover and bestfriend was killed... we used to tell eachother that there was no point in living without eachother. it's coming up to the 13th anniversary of his death.... i havent been happy since; my heart is empty and aches to be with him still... i know he is waiting for me... i have been keeping him waiting for too long...

i made an attempt at living again after isolating myself for 10 years... i started going back to university and i am getting amazing grades, but i still can't feel happy for myself or see any hope for the future. i will never love anyone again, i dont want to be loved by anyone ever again... we knew eachother since we were babies... they are the only memories ive been able to hold on to, everything else gets washed away and forgotten about... it's so hard to focus on anything...

i keep failing my attempts... thankfully no one has ever found me, and i just woke up the next morning and went back to life as usual without anyone knowing... but i know its having effects on me... i feel stupider and stupider by the day.... I'm really tired of this, I dont know why I'm trapped here to suffer with these constant thoughts of self hatred and self harm. i wish i was taken instead of him, he had such a bright future ahead of him and all i wanted to do was follow him in his shadows... now im left here alone, trying to find my way in a world i never wanted to exist in... i have no friends... my family ignores me... im so alone.... i have my cat, i guess... but i regret getting her too because i know i will end up committing suicide before she passes, and i dont know what will happen to her after that... the guilt is so fucking bad, but it's worse this time of year, when it comes close to the anniversary of his death....

not really looking for advice... idk why im even writing this... every year keeps getting worse and worse and i just need to fucking die. nothing eases my pain, not even drugs anymore

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really painful being stuck in that situation, existence certainly is too cruel. But anyway best wishes.

 

[ChantDuCygne]

I really hope that you will find peace. Best wishes. I wouldn't feel right saying much more, except that it really doesn't sound fair.

 

[Blue Elephant]

@aikoelis6 Why do you feel guilty?

 

[aikoelis6]

@aikoelis6 Why do you feel guilty?

i didn't include this in my original post because its really painful for me to acknowledge, but i thought someone might ask...

anyways... we were driving and got hit by a drunk driver in a semi truck. he and 2 of my friends died on impact and i was thrown from the vehicle and somehow ended up surviving....
it should have been me... it was my idea for us to go out that night and he didnt want to...

 

[Enlighten]

it's getting so bad... i relapsed burning myself again after 8 months... ive been completely alone for 12 years, ever since my lover and bestfriend was killed... we used to tell eachother that there was no point in living without eachother. it's coming up to the 13th anniversary of his death.... i havent been happy since; my heart is empty and aches to be with him still... i know he is waiting for me... i have been keeping him waiting for too long...

i made an attempt at living again after isolating myself for 10 years... i started going back to university and i am getting amazing grades, but i still can't feel happy for myself or see any hope for the future. i will never love anyone again, i dont want to be loved by anyone ever again... we knew eachother since we were babies... they are the only memories ive been able to hold on to, everything else gets washed away and forgotten about... it's so hard to focus on anything...

i keep failing my attempts... thankfully no one has ever found me, and i just woke up the next morning and went back to life as usual without anyone knowing... but i know its having effects on me... i feel stupider and stupider by the day.... I'm really tired of this, I dont know why I'm trapped here to suffer with these constant thoughts of self hatred and self harm. i wish i was taken instead of him, he had such a bright future ahead of him and all i wanted to do was follow him in his shadows... now im left here alone, trying to find my way in a world i never wanted to exist in... i have no friends... my family ignores me... im so alone.... i have my cat, i guess... but i regret getting her too because i know i will end up committing suicide before she passes, and i dont know what will happen to her after that... the guilt is so fucking bad, but it's worse this time of year, when it comes close to the anniversary of his death....

not really looking for advice... idk why im even writing this... every year keeps getting worse and worse and i just need to fucking die. nothing eases my pain, not even drugs anymore

Hey OP, i'm sorry for what you've been through in the past, it sounds like an extremely traumatic event. I can imagine the aniversary being exceptionally difficult for you.
If you want to talk, i'd love to talk to you <3

 

[Blue Elephant]

@aikoelis6 I know you've probably heard this a million times but.. it wasn't your fault!

I went through situations where I didn't want to do stuff but friends wanted to, so I did it anyway. I guess.. I guess I did it for them, I guess I did it because I cared, because I loved them. Things didn't always work out as expected, sometimes it was bad. But I never blamed them for any of it and whenever things didn't work out and it was my suggestion to do whatever, they didn't blame me either. Correct me if I'm wrong but (from how you write about him) I think that if your boyfriend would be here I don't think he would blame you and I don't think he would want you to blame yourself either, I think he would want you to make the best of your life until the end.

I'm sorry you miss him but this was not your fault!

 

[moondazed]

i didn't include this in my original post because its really painful for me to acknowledge, but i thought someone might ask...

anyways... we were driving and got hit by a drunk driver in a semi truck. he and 2 of my friends died on impact and i was thrown from the vehicle and somehow ended up surviving....
it should have been me... it was my idea for us to go out that night and he didnt want to...

I am so very sorry. That's an incredible amount of pressure to live with. Sending you love

 

[aikoelis6]

Hey OP, i'm sorry for what you've been through in the past, it sounds like an extremely traumatic event. I can imagine the aniversary being exceptionally difficult for you.
If you want to talk, i'd love to talk to you <3

thank you. i would not be opposed , its hard to find people to talk to

 

[Some place nice]

I hope you find your peace.

 

[outrider567]

it's getting so bad... i relapsed burning myself again after 8 months... ive been completely alone for 12 years, ever since my lover and bestfriend was killed... we used to tell eachother that there was no point in living without eachother. it's coming up to the 13th anniversary of his death.... i havent been happy since; my heart is empty and aches to be with him still... i know he is waiting for me... i have been keeping him waiting for too long...

i made an attempt at living again after isolating myself for 10 years... i started going back to university and i am getting amazing grades, but i still can't feel happy for myself or see any hope for the future. i will never love anyone again, i dont want to be loved by anyone ever again... we knew eachother since we were babies... they are the only memories ive been able to hold on to, everything else gets washed away and forgotten about... it's so hard to focus on anything...

i keep failing my attempts... thankfully no one has ever found me, and i just woke up the next morning and went back to life as usual without anyone knowing... but i know its having effects on me... i feel stupider and stupider by the day.... I'm really tired of this, I dont know why I'm trapped here to suffer with these constant thoughts of self hatred and self harm. i wish i was taken instead of him, he had such a bright future ahead of him and all i wanted to do was follow him in his shadows... now im left here alone, trying to find my way in a world i never wanted to exist in... i have no friends... my family ignores me... im so alone.... i have my cat, i guess... but i regret getting her too because i know i will end up committing suicide before she passes, and i dont know what will happen to her after that... the guilt is so fucking bad, but it's worse this time of year, when it comes close to the anniversary of his death....

not really looking for advice... idk why im even writing this... every year keeps getting worse and worse and i just need to fucking die. nothing eases my pain, not even drugs anymore

'loneliness despair survivors guilt', I feel it all too, it never goes away