Loneliness and the Doubts of Suicide

[ayanonikki]

hello everyone. recently i have been thinking a lot about the sincerity of my suicide intentions, or at least the motive behind them. for the past year or so, i have pretty much been socially isolated. of course social isolation lea ds you from one thing to another... by that i mean you think about something 'strange' and then you think about it more and more, and since you only live within your own head it seems to become normal for you.

ever since i have consciously become aware of my social isolation i find my morals becoming blurred, since my lack of interaction with others doesn't seem to reinforce them. i've had some strange thoughts that i've actually seriously contemplated. enough said, i'd rather keep those thoughts to myself since i'm ashamed of them. but i've never acted on them and i find some of them ridiculous that i even thought of them, despite them making sense to me at one point.

so what i'm trying to say is, i wonder if my suicidal intentions are just another one of these ridiculous thoughts which are a result of my reclusiveness. i have pushed all my friends away, all of them, including my best friend of 5 years. i had a boyfriend last year, i don't miss him but the comfort of the concept of a boyfriend in itself. i felt comfortable with who i was and i miss a boy taking care of me. it's like an empty void inside of me. it's the one thing i consider what might happen if i don't choose to die, that i'll find somebody at some point in my life who i truly feel a connection with, who can help me through bad times and help me find myself again.

also, just looking at other people's posts on here makes me consider just how many people actually deserve to live, people who have reasons to live. it's almost inspiring. it makes me wonder if in the future i will have a purpose in life too that i would have missed out on if i commit suicide.

i'm in such a deep and dark hole now (which i've dug myself into with no friends with a reaching hand to help me out) and it just seems there's no direction to turn to. i wish i had someone to guide me but i'm so alone. i only have myself and i'm not so reliable if i can only see suicide as an option.

do any of you ever doubt just how much you really want to commit suicide? maybe you wonder if these thoughts are only temporary? or that if you weren't so alone maybe you would have someone in your life who could be your reason to keep on living?

 

[DoorsClosingSlowly]

Can I ask how old you are?

 

[ayanonikki]

Can I ask how old you are?

I'm 17.

 

[Bloodtearsdust]

Have you tried talking to a psychologist or counsellor just to see if you can get your life back on track? Alone is so hard, but if you are having doubts I feel like exhausting your options might help you figure out where you are at one way or another. Just don't mention you are suicidal if you do talk to someone. Adult life and those feelings can be quite a bit different than teenage life too. So it's tough to say if you would still feel the same. Lots of hormones going crazy for everyone when you're 17... including your friends. It literally makes everyone crazy all at once and hard to talk to.

I'm 17.

tri

 

[missdistress]

Wow, your post reminds me so much of myself, i.e. pushing away all your friends, a breakup, isolation.

I'm 27 so quite a bit older than you but I've been depressed and anxious with low self-esteem since I was 8 or 9. My first and only suicide attempt was at your age. I hated high school and the first semester of university. I was fat, insecure, and socially inept. The second semester I ended up meeting another student who completely changed my life and became my best friend. She was outgoing, extremely funny, and empathetic. I basically pursued her as a friend as weird as that sounds and we became inseparable. I lost the weight, got really fit, learned how to dress/do makeup/eat properly, socialized with her friends, and really came into my own. I wouldn't have been able to do all that without someone like her.

We were best friends up until last year when I got severely depressed and suicidal. I became really cold and uninvolved before finally telling her I didn't care about being friends with her anymore (mature, I know). If things in my life hadn't happened as they did, we would still be friends and it bums me out to write this as I tend to not think about it. So your idea that you could meet someone who changes your life for the better isn't that far fetched.

I also met my last boyfriend (now ex) when I was 23 and he also changed my life. He was my first real love. I was too insecure to even have sex with the lights on or go on top during sex before I met him. He made me feel very loved, beautiful, and secure. Relationship ended for a similar reasons to my best friend. If all the horrible things hadn't happened last year, or if I had handled them differently, then we would probably still be together. Depression, suicidal thoughts, and loneliness will do that though.

I'm pretty confident that at your age you will eventually meet someone who will change your life for the better. Now that being said, I've spent the last year completely suicidal and alone with a diminished quality of life. It took me months to finally apply to one college for the upcoming school year because I kept thinking that I was just going to kill myself so what would be the point. I'm still not feeling confident enough to say I won't kill myself but I'm giving things another shot. And writing out this post actually helped out a lot to see the totality of my life so thank you for that.

 

[TiredHorse]

@ayanonikki I think you are doing some excellent introspection. Your thoughts certainly mirror some of my own, anyway --and I wish I had been so thoughtful when I was 17 (I'm 49 now).

I would venture that yes, while you are almost certainly depressed, social isolation certainly has you deeper in the hole than you "need" to be, not just for lack of validating and satisfying (if occasionally difficult) social contact, but because your mind, acting alone without any social feedback, is creating an echo chamber where your own thoughts are amplifying themselves. At least that's what my mind does, living alone as I do. And it sounds as though you've discovered that for yourself.

Despite my depression and severe social anxiety, I have taken to forcing myself to have one social day: Wednesday mornings I have coffee with a few fellow woodworkers/boat people, then go directly to my sister's for a couple hours of often fractious conversation with her (we do not entirely see eye to eye politically). Additionally, I go to acupuncture once a week, and it has come about that the twenty minutes of good conversation with the acupuncturist prior to her needling me is probably as therapeutic as the acupuncture itself. Those interactions definitely help push back the darkness.

My own marriage of 24 years ended catastrophically about a year ago, and went thermonuclear this past autumn, pushing me into a place where CTB is looking like the best option. I know that empty void of lost mutual caring that you speak of and how appealing it is to imagine it filled. I long for a new beloved to care for and to care for me. And like you, I know how it feels to want a guide, someone to comfort me and to reward my trust --and to be lost and alone for the lack of one.

Do I want to die? Not especially, no. I just don't want to exist in the world that my life has become. It is a combination of being lost, with the sense of no future joy and an impending lifetime of loneliness, and wanting to silence the horrific echoes of a painful divorce, that has me confident --despite my attempts at recovery-- that suicide is the only reasonable outcome. As a friend from here on the forum once described it to me, it isn't that I want to break the lightbulb, it's that I can't find the damned light switch to shut off the unendurable glare, and so breaking the bulb is the only option.

It sounds as though you might be in similar straits? It isn't that you want to die, it's that death appears to be the best available option?

For whatever it's worth, I first attempted suicide when I was 15. Made an utter mess of it --ludicrous, in hindsight-- and I was fortunate that no one even noticed at the time. I'm not sure that I can say life got better soon after that, but it got intriguingly different. Enough different that for the next 33 years suicide was only a contemplation, an emergency escape I knew I had, not the best case scenario it has become. If you can hang on, you've potentially got a lot of life ahead of you for things to become different enough to make suicide similarly last-choice for yourself. With that in mind, if you can hang on, I urge you to do so.

 

[ayanonikki]

Have you tried talking to a psychologist or counsellor just to see if you can get your life back on track? Alone is so hard, but if you are having doubts I feel like exhausting your options might help you figure out where you are at one way or another. Just don't mention you are suicidal if you do talk to someone. Adult life and those feelings can be quite a bit different than teenage life too. So it's tough to say if you would still feel the same. Lots of hormones going crazy for everyone when you're 17... including your friends. It literally makes everyone crazy all at once and hard to talk to.


tri

i've thought about talking to one actually. i just don't see how i can get myself out of this rut if i don't tell the whole truth about me being suicidal. but i suppose it can work out if i just talk about what's troubling me. i've been asked by teachers ever since i've entered secondary school if i needed to go to a counselor... i suppose i give away a lot more about how i feel than i think i do...

 

[dandan]

oh my ...
I was around 17 when I started isolating myself too... now im 36
it was these thoughts about: how to talk, conversations, relationships, conversations with myself were top priority..
twenty years have passed
and I'm still the same way
but now I have to stop thinking in that , to work, so I can pay rent, and pay my bills,
and its taking a toll on me....

I had good 5 days, but now I see... I 'm the same as when I was 17.. and haven't solve my issues..
still isolated... still same inner personality problems....
I feel like Im screwed, maybe last option is to ctb....

but hey,,,, I'm 36, and I lived 20 years with the problem trying to find a solution... I found none, but its not my fault...
you can at least make an effort o maybe do none for 1 year or two?

 

[ayanonikki]

Wow, your post reminds me so much of myself, i.e. pushing away all your friends, a breakup, isolation.

I'm 27 so quite a bit older than you but I've been depressed and anxious with low self-esteem since I was 8 or 9. My first and only suicide attempt was at your age. I hated high school and the first semester of university. I was fat, insecure, and socially inept. The second semester I ended up meeting another student who completely changed my life and became my best friend. She was outgoing, extremely funny, and empathetic. I basically pursued her as a friend as weird as that sounds and we became inseparable. I lost the weight, got really fit, learned how to dress/do makeup/eat properly, socialized with her friends, and really came into my own. I wouldn't have been able to do all that without someone like her.

We were best friends up until last year when I got severely depressed and suicidal. I became really cold and uninvolved before finally telling her I didn't care about being friends with her anymore (mature, I know). If things in my life hadn't happened as they did, we would still be friends and it bums me out to write this as I tend to not think about it. So your idea that you could meet someone who changes your life for the better isn't that far fetched.

I also met my last boyfriend (now ex) when I was 23 and he also changed my life. He was my first real love. I was too insecure to even have sex with the lights on or go on top during sex before I met him. He made me feel very loved, beautiful, and secure. Relationship ended for a similar reasons to my best friend. If all the horrible things hadn't happened last year, or if I had handled them differently, then we would probably still be together. Depression, suicidal thoughts, and loneliness will do that though.

I'm pretty confident that at your age you will eventually meet someone who will change your life for the better. Now that being said, I've spent the last year completely suicidal and alone with a diminished quality of life. It took me months to finally apply to one college for the upcoming school year because I kept thinking that I was just going to kill myself so what would be the point. I'm still not feeling confident enough to say I won't kill myself but I'm giving things another shot. And writing out this post actually helped out a lot to see the totality of my life so thank you for that.

i know you are not in the best spot in your life right now, but i find your journey up until now very inspiring considering you have come from a very similar place as mine. it's hard to imagine who i will be 10 years from now, at your age. all i need is hope that i will find someone, and if i could be as lucky as you were to find a friend who could ignite such a spark in you that would be just amazing. it really would be, it's all i need. thank you for your reply. it's really making me reconsider my future and how it will turn out. i hope you will feel better soon after being able to pick yourself up before, and i'm glad this post also helped you in some way.

 

[Xaphous]

I'm like the king of isolation since it's countless years for me, majority of my life. My best advice would be if you are isolated do anything you can to not stay put there even if it feels comfortable it can soon become a hell and can be so trapping. I was isolated at 17, however I did have a couple friends then. Soon as they were gone and years past I was left so stuck.

If thoughts are bothering you primarily because of the loneliness, isolation it's so necessary to try what you can to not let years pass by and remain there. It's easier for some people than others, extroverts are obviously going to have things easier etc.

 

[ayanonikki]

@ayanonikki I think you are doing some excellent introspection. Your thoughts certainly mirror some of my own, anyway --and I wish I had been so thoughtful when I was 17 (I'm 49 now).

I would venture that yes, while you are almost certainly depressed, social isolation certainly has you deeper in the hole than you "need" to be, not just for lack of validating and satisfying (if occasionally difficult) social contact, but because your mind, acting alone without any social feedback, is creating an echo chamber where your own thoughts are amplifying themselves. At least that's what my mind does, living alone as I do. And it sounds as though you've discovered that for yourself.

Despite my depression and severe social anxiety, I have taken to forcing myself to have one social day: Wednesday mornings I have coffee with a few fellow woodworkers/boat people, then go directly to my sister's for a couple hours of often fractious conversation with her (we do not entirely see eye to eye politically). Additionally, I go to acupuncture once a week, and it has come about that the twenty minutes of good conversation with the acupuncturist prior to her needling me is probably as therapeutic as the acupuncture itself. Those interactions definitely help push back the darkness.

My own marriage of 24 years ended catastrophically about a year ago, and went thermonuclear this past autumn, pushing me into a place where CTB is looking like the best option. I know that empty void of lost mutual caring that you speak of and how appealing it is to imagine it filled. I long for a new beloved to care for and to care for me. And like you, I know how it feels to want a guide, someone to comfort me and to reward my trust --and to be lost and alone for the lack of one.
o
Do I want to die? Not especially, no. I just don't want to exist in the world that my life has become. It is a combination of being lost, with the sense of no future joy and an impending lifetime of loneliness, and wanting to silence the horrific echoes of a painful divorce, that has me confident --despite my attempts at recovery-- that suicide is the only reasonable outcome. As a friend from here on the forum once described it to me, it isn't that I want to break the lightbulb, it's that I can't find the damned light switch to shut off the unendurable glare, and so breaking the bulb is the only option.

It sounds as though you might be in similar straits? It isn't that you want to die, it's that death appears to be the best available option?

For whatever it's worth, I first attempted suicide when I was 15. Made an utter mess of it --ludicrous, in hindsight-- and I was fortunate that no one even noticed at the time. I'm not sure that I can say life got better soon after that, but it got intriguingly different. Enough different that for the next 33 years suicide was only a contemplation, an emergency escape I knew I had, not the best case scenario it has become. If you can hang on, you've potentially got a lot of life ahead of you for things to become different enough to make suicide similarly last-choice for yourself. With that in mind, if you can hang on, I urge you to do so.

oh wow, you really put it in such excellent wording. i couldn't have described my thoughts better myself. my mind is creating exactly that, an echo chamber as you would describe it. i really do find it hard at times to differentiate between what's normal to think about and what's not, and that's how i know i have become just so distant from those around me, so out of touch with reality. that's when i begin to scare myself.

i quite admire your strength to be able to fight back against your depression to be involved in various activities so often. i have submitted to the pressure of it. before, even during my darkest times, i would go out for walks because i knew it would make me feel even an ounce better, but now i can't seem to even find the motivation to speak. i'm so lost in my own world, i've fallen so much into it just speaking is exhausting. however, i think i am taking small steps which i have never taken before. i have never been so interested in my appearance, but now i am self-conscious of it. i have started buying new clothes and learning to apply makeup, it makes me feel better about my appearance even though i accept how i look in general, which is far from perfect. as well as that, i'm trying to reignite my interest in my old hobbies, like writing and crafts. i write a personal journal as i can focus on my thoughts yet still be productive and i've bought new craft equipment to knit and distract me. i can comfortably stay at home but i'm taking a step forward towards finding a purpose again, i think...

also, i did not think about such a possibility, that i may not want to die but i simply just don't like the situation my life is in right now. it really shows how black and white my mind is, hm? jumping to such an extent with no thought to the fact that i may have just lost my spark... i really enjoyed the comparison to the light bulb.

i feel like you understand me, though i did not think i made sense. i worry about that a lot now. i'm glad you are fighting along despite your troubles. i hope everything you are doing to help yourself will eventually catch up with you. you're very well-read, i appreciated your reply in that sense too. thank you. this has made my night... the more i check this forum the more i am reconsidering the possibilities that may wait for me in my life.

 

[Davy]

You sound like a sweet and introspective girl. I think you should consider therapy since it can be very beneficial especially considering the thoughtfulness of your posts.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy has helped me to ease my depression.
It teaches you to identify the negative self-beliefs behind negative thoughts. Then, to be able to recognize in the moment when you having these negative thoughts, evaluate how accurate they are, and reframe them in a more accurate, positive light. It helps to prevent the downward spiral and echo chamber of negative self-thinking.

Mind I ask, what theoretically would have to happen overnight for you to stop being suicidal? And how would you act the next day?

PS: Sayori is the best doki girl

 

[Lonely Twin Angel]

This post reminds me of myself as well. I'm very isolated. I dont work atm and I've lost touch with people i used to work with. So I dont know anyone outside of my family and I dont speak with them much either. They all have exciting lives and such. But I get what you're feeling. Like you think you might be irrational and you're not sure if suicide is something you actually want or if it's mental illness telling you that.
I think it's really amazing that you see that in yourself. I think you should try a counselor or maybe see a psychiatrist and try some medication. Therapy always helped me and still does. I learned new coping skills and I was able to identify differences between my "real thoughts" and my irrational ones. Helped me make better decisions.
Plus I agree that it is great that you're able to still function and force yourself to do things. I think that it always helps your mood too. It gives you some stimulation and distraction from what's going on in your mind.
Hope that you find your way.

 

[ayanonikki]

oh my ...
I was around 17 when I started isolating myself too... now im 36
it was these thoughts about: how to talk, conversations, relationships, conversations with myself were top priority..
twenty years have passed
and I'm still the same way
but now I have to stop thinking in that , to work, so I can pay rent, and pay my bills,
and its taking a toll on me....

I had good 5 days, but now I see... I 'm the same as when I was 17.. and haven't solve my issues..
still isolated... still same inner personality problems....
I feel like Im screwed, maybe last option is to ctb....

but hey,,,, I'm 36, and I lived 20 years with the problem trying to find a solution... I found none, but its not my fault...
you can at least make an effort o maybe do none for 1 year or two?

hello there. i'm sorry to hear about your continuous problems with your mental health. it really is hard to realise you are in the same bad place as you were a couple years ago... it's as if i feel regret for wasted time, i catch myself thinking about that sometimes.

anyway, however way you decide to live your life, i wish you the best of luck with it, truly. and i am considering holding out a bit longer too to make an active and positive change in myself before making such a decision. thank you for your reply. :)

I'm like the king of isolation since it's countless years for me, majority of my life. My best advice would be if you are isolated do anything you can to not stay put there even if it feels comfortable it can soon become a hell and can be so trapping. I was isolated at 17, however I did have a couple friends then. Soon as they were gone and years past I was left so stuck.

If thoughts are bothering you primarily because of the loneliness, isolation it's so necessary to try what you can to not let years pass by and remain there. It's easier for some people than others, extroverts are obviously going to have things easier etc.

i completely know what you mean by allowing the years to pass me by, and just remaining. i see that in myself a lot. i look back on myself from a couple years ago and although i have matured in many other senses my self-hatred remains the exact same, for the exact same reasons. nowadays time is moving too fast, i really can't keep up. but i am trying to take back control of my time and life again. hope you are doing okay and thank you for your reply.

You sound like a sweet and introspective girl. I think you should consider therapy since it can be very beneficial especially considering the thoughtfulness of your posts.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy has helped me to ease my depression.
It teaches you to identify the negative self-beliefs behind negative thoughts. Then, to be able to recognize in the moment when you having these negative thoughts, evaluate how accurate they are, and reframe them in a more accurate, positive light. It helps to prevent the downward spiral and echo chamber of negative self-thinking.

Mind I ask, what theoretically would have to happen overnight for you to stop being suicidal? And how would you act the next day?

PS: Sayori is the best doki girl

it's nice to see your reply here davy, i've seen quite a few of your posts... thank you for your kind words, you're really sweet also. :)

i truly have been considering therapy and this could definitely be what i need to objectively evaluate my thoughts and make a clear-minded judgement and perspective on them. but my sister is in therapy now for anxiety and she's been through so much with it. since my sister is in therapy my parents automatically assume i am okay, or they want to believe that... there's a lot of pressure on me to be the child they want me to be even though i'm just not capable of it. it's hard for me to tell them anything, they might be upset if they find that both their daughters are suffering so much from their mental health. i love them, but i don't know if i can tell them this. i don't want to get my school involved in this really, so i'm just wondering how to find the right help for myself at the moment.

to be honest i've really never thought about what could make me happy again... maybe if i were just a more likable person? a better person in general? from all aspects of myself, i hate myself. i've mentioned this before, but i really can find good things in every other person except myself, regardless of who they are. but for me, i just see myself as a fake and a waste. i consider myself a sheep. i hate all aspects of myself. my appearance causes me a lot of stress, i just stop eating to gain control over that. my lack of friends makes me lose all confidence in any good qualities in myself. it makes me wonder what is so toxic and bad about myself that i just keep pushing others away all the time... i have no skills and i don't seem to have any aptitudes toward anything. it's an overwhelming amount of self-hatred that hits my way when i try something new and it doesn't work out. i think that's why i have avoided hobbies altogether, because i get this thought that there is someone who is better than me and i'm pathetic for trying.

but really what i need (despite this not sounding too good) are just people to validate my worth. every day the only people i talk to seem to just use my presence for when their own actual friends aren't around or they just want small talk. no one seems to actually know me or appreciate me as a friend. i've lost so many within just one school year... it really makes you wonder what have you done for people to hate you so much... or maybe it's my own fault for backing off from everyone else. maybe i just have this irrational desire for people to see what is wrong with me despite not telling them anything. i know i need to accept myself first.

thank you for your response, davy. i hope you are doing well, truly. :)

P.S. Yuri will forever be best girl, don't @ me. ;)

 

[dandan]

hello there. i'm sorry to hear about your continuous problems with your mental health. it really is hard to realise you are in the same bad place as you were a couple years ago... it's as if i feel regret for wasted time, i catch myself thinking about that sometimes.

anyway, however way you decide to live your life, i wish you the best of luck with it, truly. and i am considering holding out a bit longer too to make an active and positive change in myself before making such a decision. thank you for your reply. :)

i completely know what you mean by allowing the years to pass me by, and just remaining. i see that in myself a lot. i look back on myself from a couple years ago and although i have matured in many other senses my self-hatred remains the exact same, for the exact same reasons. nowadays time is moving too fast, i really can't keep up. but i am trying to take back control of my time and life again. hope you are doing okay and thank you for your reply.

it's nice to see your reply here davy, i've seen quite a few of your posts... thank you for your kind words, you're really sweet also. :)

i truly have been considering therapy and this could definitely be what i need to objectively evaluate my thoughts and make a clear-minded judgement and perspective on them. but my sister is in therapy now for anxiety and she's been through so much with it. since my sister is in therapy my parents automatically assume i am okay, or they want to believe that... there's a lot of pressure on me to be the child they want me to be even though i'm just not capable of it. it's hard for me to tell them anything, they might be upset if they find that both their daughters are suffering so much from their mental health. i love them, but i don't know if i can tell them this. i don't want to get my school involved in this really, so i'm just wondering how to find the right help for myself at the moment.

to be honest i've really never thought about what could make me happy again... maybe if i were just a more likable person? a better person in general? from all aspects of myself, i hate myself. i've mentioned this before, but i really can find good things in every other person except myself, regardless of who they are. but for me, i just see myself as a fake and a waste. i consider myself a sheep. i hate all aspects of myself. my appearance causes me a lot of stress, i just stop eating to gain control over that. my lack of friends makes me lose all confidence in any good qualities in myself. it makes me wonder what is so toxic and bad about myself that i just keep pushing others away all the time... i have no skills and i don't seem to have any aptitudes toward anything. it's an overwhelming amount of self-hatred that hits my way when i try something new and it doesn't work out. i think that's why i have avoided hobbies altogether, because i get this thought that there is someone who is better than me and i'm pathetic for trying.

but really what i need (despite this not sounding too good) are just people to validate my worth. every day the only people i talk to seem to just use my presence for when their own actual friends aren't around or they just want small talk. no one seems to actually know me or appreciate me as a friend. i've lost so many within just one school year... it really makes you wonder what have you done for people to hate you so much... or maybe it's my own fault for backing off from everyone else. maybe i just have this irrational desire for people to see what is wrong with me despite not telling them anything. i know i need to accept myself first.

thank you for your response, davy. i hope you are doing well, truly. :)

P.S. Yuri will forever be best girl, don't @ me. ;)

Yei, do your best and think about the good things , that's the tip I would give myself if I was 17 again :)

 

[xiaomingdie]

Wow, your post reminds me so much of myself, i.e. pushing away all your friends, a breakup, isolation.

I'm 27 so quite a bit older than you but I've been depressed and anxious with low self-esteem since I was 8 or 9. My first and only suicide attempt was at your age. I hated high school and the first semester of university. I was fat, insecure, and socially inept. The second semester I ended up meeting another student who completely changed my life and became my best friend. She was outgoing, extremely funny, and empathetic. I basically pursued her as a friend as weird as that sounds and we became inseparable. I lost the weight, got really fit, learned how to dress/do makeup/eat properly, socialized with her friends, and really came into my own. I wouldn't have been able to do all that without someone like her.

We were best friends up until last year when I got severely depressed and suicidal. I became really cold and uninvolved before finally telling her I didn't care about being friends with her anymore (mature, I know). If things in my life hadn't happened as they did, we would still be friends and it bums me out to write this as I tend to not think about it. So your idea that you could meet someone who changes your life for the better isn't that far fetched.

I also met my last boyfriend (now ex) when I was 23 and he also changed my life. He was my first real love. I was too insecure to even have sex with the lights on or go on top during sex before I met him. He made me feel very loved, beautiful, and secure. Relationship ended for a similar reasons to my best friend. If all the horrible things hadn't happened last year, or if I had handled them differently, then we would probably still be together. Depression, suicidal thoughts, and loneliness will do that though.

I'm pretty confident that at your age you will eventually meet someone who will change your life for the better. Now that being said, I've spent the last year completely suicidal and alone with a diminished quality of life. It took me months to finally apply to one college for the upcoming school year because I kept thinking that I was just going to kill myself so what would be the point. I'm still not feeling confident enough to say I won't kill myself but I'm giving things another shot. And writing out this post actually helped out a lot to see the totality of my life so thank you for that.

Oh, do you still want suicide, now?

 

[Davy]

To be honest i've really never thought about what could make me happy again... maybe if i were just a more likable person? a better person in general? from all aspects of myself, i hate myself. i've mentioned this before, but i really can find good things in every other person except myself.

Everyone wants to be a more likeable and better person but I already think you are already likeable but flawed, just like everyone else!
You can see the good in others, why not give yourself a chance?

Your self-hatred has caused you to isolate yourself and push yourself away from others, like your friends and best friend. If you think about it logically there is no reason to hate yourself. I also wanted my friends to appreciate me but I realised that I was always relying on my them to interact with me, but when did I ever invite them out to do something? Almost never.

It will be good for you to focus on the things that you enjoy doing like writing and crafts, do the little things to improve yourself like grooming and make-up. Doing meditative stuff like going for walks and writing in your journal will also help you to self-reflect. Hopefully one day these little steps will add up and you can learn to love and accept yourself

 

[ayanonikki]

I'm like the king of isolation since it's countless years for me, majority of my life. My best advice would be if you are isolated do anything you can to not stay put there even if it feels comfortable it can soon become a hell and can be so trapping. I was isolated at 17, however I did have a couple friends then. Soon as they were gone and years past I was left so stuck.

If thoughts are bothering you primarily because of the loneliness, isolation it's so necessary to try what you can to not let years pass by and remain there. It's easier for some people than others, extroverts are obviously going to have things easier etc.

i

Everyone wants to be a more likeable and better person but I already think you are already likeable but flawed, just like everyone else!
You can see the good in others, why not give yourself a chance?

Your self-hatred has caused you to isolate yourself and push yourself away from others, like your friends and best friend. If you think about it logically there is no reason to hate yourself. I also wanted my friends to appreciate me but I realised that I was always relying on my them to interact with me, but when did I ever invite them out to do something? Almost never.

It will be good for you to focus on the things that you enjoy doing like writing and crafts, do the little things to improve yourself like grooming and make-up. Doing meditative stuff like going for walks and writing in your journal will also help you to self-reflect. Hopefully one day these little steps will add up and you can learn to love and accept yourself

thank you so much! i'm actually in a good mood today because of the responses. i'm seeming to understand myself more and finding hope after reading others' experiences that there are possibilities to be content with just experiencing the world... witnessing the world for what it is, rather than focusing so much on what kind of person i am. i don't know, but i'm thinking a lot. my thoughts are kind of all over the place really.

you're really good at analysing people. therapy seems to be helping you understand emotions better and deal with them. hope you're having a good day also.

 

[CursedForDisaster]

If you have doubts then there's a good chance you just need to get out there, suicide and doubts shouldn't mix imo...

Personally I always feel better when I hangout with people, my issue is I'm so anxious that I dont do that often. There is an extent to that happiness for me though, I've been around people for long periods of time and I always wind up in this terrible headspace...your statement about doing things you're ashamed of really rung home for me as well, some things just eat away at the soul

Everyone wants to be a more likeable and better person but I already think you are already likeable but flawed, just like everyone else!
You can see the good in others, why not give yourself a chance?

Your self-hatred has caused you to isolate yourself and push yourself away from others, like your friends and best friend. If you think about it logically there is no reason to hate yourself. I also wanted my friends to appreciate me but I realised that I was always relying on my them to interact with me, but when did I ever invite them out to do something? Almost never.

It will be good for you to focus on the things that you enjoy doing like writing and crafts, do the little things to improve yourself like grooming and make-up. Doing meditative stuff like going for walks and writing in your journal will also help you to self-reflect. Hopefully one day these little steps will add up and you can learn to love and accept yourself

I agree with this, I'm sure you're very likeable, some of the most likeable are the most self conscious and it's a shame

 

[Raggas]

Definitely give life another shot. You seem to be better when you're around other people and friends. Once there you can consider how things are looking for you and if you still have feelings of wanting to CTB.

 

[ayanonikki]

Definitely give life another shot. You seem to be better when you're around other people and friends. Once there you can consider how things are looking for you and if you still have feelings of wanting to CTB.

that's the plan for now i'm sure. i have solid plans for the summer when school is finished up where i'll meet new people in a new place so hopefully something different from my daily life now sitting at home can switch up my angle of my perception of life. thanks for the reply, hope you're doing alright yourself.

This post reminds me of myself as well. I'm very isolated. I dont work atm and I've lost touch with people i used to work with. So I dont know anyone outside of my family and I dont speak with them much either. They all have exciting lives and such. But I get what you're feeling. Like you think you might be irrational and you're not sure if suicide is something you actually want or if it's mental illness telling you that.
I think it's really amazing that you see that in yourself. I think you should try a counselor or maybe see a psychiatrist and try some medication. Therapy always helped me and still does. I learned new coping skills and I was able to identify differences between my "real thoughts" and my irrational ones. Helped me make better decisions.
Plus I agree that it is great that you're able to still function and force yourself to do things. I think that it always helps your mood too. It gives you some stimulation and distraction from what's going on in your mind.
Hope that you find your way.

thank you for your reply, it was very clear. i am seriously considering speaking to someone professional now thanks to these posts. at least i can identify what is wrong with me now so i can lay it out to others without sounding like a mess.

i'm sorry you're in a tough spot right now but i hope you find your 'spark' again, whatever it may be and however you achieve it. good luck to you. :)

 

[Raggas]

that's the plan for now i'm sure. i have solid plans for the summer when school is finished up where i'll meet new people in a new place so hopefully something different from my daily life now sitting at home can switch up my angle of my perception of life. thanks for the reply, hope you're doing alright yourself.

You're welcome, I'm young like you although three years your elder. I remember when I was your age and in a mental hospital myself still feeling optimistic. Every day of my life sucks and I'm in a depression filled smoke. Personally I can't lie and say that it does get better. I do believe it's better to burn out than to fade away and I wish I had died already. It may be different for you, but I think death is the greatest thing one can achieve.

 

[dandan]

you guys are so young and I do remember myself when I was 18 wanting to CTB

my first attempt at 23or24 then 27
then few months back being 36

the thought of doing it soon is still present, and now I got the two bottles of N

 

[Chalken]

Been reading through this topic and I can say that I can really relate to you. I'm the same age, have self-esteem issues and isolated myself from every single friend I used to have. It feels like death is the only option, but I'm still trying to hold on until I'm at least 18. Regarding therapy, I think you should tell your parents that you would benefit from it. I, personally, only visit a psychiatrist once a month and I don't think that's enough, but I have terrible social anxiety and it's really hard talking to people, especially strangers.

I'm sorry that I don't have better advice, but I hope things get better and if they don't, I'll respect whatever choice you may make. Best of luck.

 

[ayanonikki]

You're welcome, I'm young like you although three years your elder. I remember when I was your age and in a mental hospital myself still feeling optimistic. Every day of my life sucks and I'm in a depression filled smoke. Personally I can't lie and say that it does get better. I do believe it's better to burn out than to fade away and I wish I had died already. It may be different for you, but I think death is the greatest thing one can achieve.

a depression-filled smoke is a good way to describe my life for the past year too. nothing is clear to me and nothing seems to lie ahead of me except my feelings of hopelessness. i've always felt depressed on and off since i was 12, but i always thought someday i would get my life together and i would be happy so i used that weak sense of hope to keep me going. but i've never seemed to make an active and consistent change to my life for the better cause all these overwhelming thoughts of being a failure and just regret about how much of a waste my life is sink in and bring me back to square 1 again - that being the days passing by as i passively allow them to with no fight in me, no youthful hope as you'd expect at our age to achieve goals or go outside with friends, at the least. and that's when the tiredness and depression start to sink in, once i realise how little fight i have in me.

it's an interesting concept you've put in my head about death being an achievement. i've never really thought about that. i certainly don't think all deaths are an achievement, as an achievement is our own doing and most times than not our deaths are not our own doing. so maybe suicide is an achievement would be better to say? even still, i don't know how i feel about that idea. i wonder what the reward is for our achievement, if there even is one for us who do so...

i think your ideas are in line with kurt cobain's when you say you would rather burn out than fade away. i also feel the same way. maybe it's because we're young. kurt seemed very upset by the fact that he would one day become irrelevant, he seemed very preoccupied by his image to the world. you could even see that when he did not like how his songs were misinterpreted by others and their music started to be noticed by the mainstream music community. he was a lost soul, he was never made for the pressure and cookie-cutter persona which was expected of him in the music industry, since he always had a troubled road to his success. i relate to him in a lot of ways.

Been reading through this topic and I can say that I can really relate to you. I'm the same age, have self-esteem issues and isolated myself from every single friend I used to have. It feels like death is the only option, but I'm still trying to hold on until I'm at least 18. Regarding therapy, I think you should tell your parents that you would benefit from it. I, personally, only visit a psychiatrist once a month and I don't think that's enough, but I have terrible social anxiety and it's really hard talking to people, especially strangers.

I'm sorry that I don't have better advice, but I hope things get better and if they don't, I'll respect whatever choice you may make. Best of luck.

hello there. it's nice to find someone my own age on here as well who can understand me. i struggle with socialising also and speaking to others in fear that i'm burdening them, but i think to find myself again i need to find myself in others by speaking to them. just being on this forum is helping me as i find myself and my potential future in other people's experiences. thanks for reading through and giving your two cents, hope you find your way friend. :)

 

[missdistress]

i know you are not in the best spot in your life right now, but i find your journey up until now very inspiring considering you have come from a very similar place as mine. it's hard to imagine who i will be 10 years from now, at your age. all i need is hope that i will find someone, and if i could be as lucky as you were to find a friend who could ignite such a spark in you that would be just amazing. it really would be, it's all i need. thank you for your reply. it's really making me reconsider my future and how it will turn out. i hope you will feel better soon after being able to pick yourself up before, and i'm glad this post also helped you in some way.

Reading through your replies here, it's easy to see what a thoughtful and lovely young person you are. I didn't have a sliver of the self-awareness you have at your age.

I see you mentioned wanting someone awesome to come into your life (and I'm glad my post gave you an encouraging perspective on that) but have you thought about reaching out to your best friend of 5 years? What was that friendship like?

Oh, do you still want suicide, now?

Since the beginning of March I've made a concerted effort to become a functioning person again and I've been feeling increasingly better with each passing week. So to answer your question: no, I do not plan to CTB now or in the very near future. However, that depends on a number of things going to plan as well as finally getting some professional help for the grief I have for my father who died two winters ago and my brother who suicided last year (i.e. when my life went to shit and I lost my ability to function/feel anything but misery and despair).