Venting Loneliness and some thoughts about it

[esthe]

Hi, first things first, I'm glad I was able to enter this community; it's my first time posting, so sorry for eventual formatting and grammar mistakes, as english is not my first language.
I need to get some thoughts and worries off my mind to feel a little more at peace, so feel free to ignore this vent.

I've struggled with loneliness, among other things, for a pretty long time: being almost 19, I can sure tell that I've not lived that much and thus I can't really have a complete outlook on my life, yet overall, it's been...far from great up until now. Something's been bothering me in these last days; it could seem stupid, but it's weighing on me quite a lot, honestly.
I'm attending the last year of high school, and tomorrow me and my classmates will depart for a week-long trip abroad. During those five years of high school I've struggled to make friends, same thing goes for middle school, but I've always tried my best: being a very introverted and socially anxious person has not helped at all, in a small town where everyone has always known each other, except for me; this led to me being kind of...excluded from the class 'groups' every time, for no clear reason. I've grown accustomed to that, and I'm quite happy to say that I've found two or three people I can trust.

Yet yesterday I found out that they canceled their participation, so now I'm just...thinking about what will happen during this trip. I've learned to accept loneliness with time, but sometimes the fear of it arises again, and this is the case. I'm...afraid, if I have to be honest. Because I'm sure I'll end up alone again, and this time not for 5 or 6 hours (average school hours), but for a whole week, and not on my own volition: as I said, I tried and try to talk, spend time and form a relationship with my classmates, but it seems no matter how hard I try, I get badmouthed and judged; I've never done anything bad to any of them, I always try to be kind and available no matter my problems which I avoid to show when I'm with other people (as I've been often told in the past that me not being always happy and cheery ruined the mood, so it...sticked out), but it seems it's never enough.

I understand I'm not one of the "popular" ones, I've never been and I don't want to be, yet...is it really so important? I'm trying to get over it so I'll just enjoy the trip no matter what, since it'll be an experience, even if I'll be alone. But still, I'm uneasy about it. Sometimes I just wish things were...easier, and people were more kind. It'll be a tough week.

 

[limerance1]

I don't think that loneliness is the root problem here. Rather, it's being rejected by your peers. Being alone is fine, but being excluded from a group and having to observe everything 'from the sidelines' is what really hurts. I could be wrong in interpreting your experience here, so let me know if this resonates with you or not.

I would guess that actively 'trying' to talk to them and fit in is what's preventing you from being included in their social circles. Perhaps let go of trying to make friends with them and be more who you are. Maybe this means not talking much at all and minding your own business. Maybe it means not being the 'good person' all the time. If a conversation spontaneously arises - great, if not - who cares? There's more to a school trip than the people with whom you're going there with. If you haven't made connections with them for the past 5 years, it's not likely to happen on the school trip. So accept that, and maybe use that as your advantage: since you won't have to deal with them, you can instead focus on the places that you visit, and the scenery.

I could be totally off but this is just the vibe I'm getting from what you wrote. Hope it helps.

 

[esthe]

I don't think that loneliness is the root problem here. Rather, it's being rejected by your peers. Being alone is fine, but being excluded from a group and having to observe everything 'from the sidelines' is what really hurts. I could be wrong in interpreting your experience here, so let me know if this resonates with you or not.

I would guess that actively 'trying' to talk to them and fit in is what's preventing you from being included in their social circles. Perhaps let go of trying to make friends with them and be more who you are. Maybe this means not talking much at all and minding your own business. Maybe it means not being the 'good person' all the time. If a conversation spontaneously arises - great, if not - who cares? There's more to a school trip than the people with whom you're going there with. If you haven't made connections with them for the past 5 years, it's not likely to happen on the school trip. So accept that, and maybe use that as your advantage: since you won't have to deal with them, you can instead focus on the places that you visit, and the scenery.

I could be totally off but this is just the vibe I'm getting from what you wrote. Hope it helps.

Thank you for sharing your opinion about this. I think you may be more than right about this - whatever happens, there surely are more important things to consider other than spending a week trying to form or repair some connections that have never been there. I'll try to be rational about it, and enjoy what's really worth it. And if I fail, well, it will still be an experience to learn from.

 

[Twiceler]

Those hangouts and events never ended up good for me, at least mentally, no matter what were my expectations. If it ever can help you feel better, heh. You are a different person, and if you're not scared too much, it should all be fine.

 

[Mirrory Me]

Hey. At that stage of life, people rarely have enough empathy or an understanding of how to support or help a suffering person. I myself have isolated myself from others because of that, when I no longer dared to show my vulnerability to others.

So what is causing you these unstable feelings? There can be many external or subconscious reasons for them. At least you're nervous about being left alone, because...

The good news is that you don't have to be completely alone.

 

[esthe]

Those hangouts and events never ended up good for me, at least mentally, no matter what were my expectations. If it ever can help you feel better, heh. You are a different person, and if you're not scared too much, it should all be fine.

I feel you, those things can be overwhelming at times (well, most of the times), but on a higher note, at least knowing it can help us make the right decisions regarding these social events and do whatever makes us feel better, I think. Thanks though, hope you'll have a good day

Hey. At that stage of life, people rarely have enough empathy or an understanding of how to support or help a suffering person. I myself have isolated myself from others because of that, when I no longer dared to show my vulnerability to others.

So what is causing you these unstable feelings? There can be many external or subconscious reasons for them. At least you're nervous about being left alone, because...

The good news is that you don't have to be completely alone.

I've been increasingly noticing that, being vulnerable is kind of seen as something...wrong. But yeah, at that age people don't quite get that, and are often not mature enough (me included, obviously) to do so. I think the reasons for me feeling like this are related to some unsolved dynamics and traumas on which I'm trying to work, other than disorders which make it harder for me to deal with those kind of problems.
Yet I can't surely watch myself falling deeper into that, so I'll try to make the best out of everything that'll happen. And, thanks for your reply, being listened to means quite a lot

 

[FuneralCry]

It's just the unfortunate reality of existing here that humans are so cruel which is why I see it as better to avoid other people. You cannot trust other people at all, I think a lot of suffering is caused by humans being too trusting. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[esthe]

It's just the unfortunate reality of existing here that humans are so cruel which is why I see it as better to avoid other people. You cannot trust other people at all, I think a lot of suffering is caused by humans being too trusting. But anyway I wish you the best.

Thank you, I wish you the best too! And true, nowadays no one seems to care anymore about others if not for personal interests

 

[limerance1]

How was the road trip?

 

[esthe]

How was the road trip?

You know, it wasn't that bad. I tried to just...let go of others and their judgement once and for all, and no matter the usual behaviors and some really bad days, I succeeded!

I really enjoyed the places we visited, the natural landscapes, museums and archaeological sites, everything was marvelous and the people I talked with (because well, being abroad I tried to get to know the history of the various towns and cities) were so kind.
Overall, it was a beautiful experience, also thanks to the ones of you who encouraged me a little with their words <3.

And here's a picture I took:

 

[limerance1]

You know, it wasn't that bad. I tried to just...let go of others and their judgement once and for all, and no matter the usual behaviors and some really bad days, I succeeded!

I really enjoyed the places we visited, the natural landscapes, museums and archaeological sites, everything was marvelous and the people I talked with (because well, being abroad I tried to get to know the history of the various towns and cities) were so kind.
Overall, it was a beautiful experience, also thanks to the ones of you who encouraged me a little with their words <3.

And here's a picture I took:

Awesome! Glad the road trip turned out well! :)

it's always nice when taking a chance and going out out of your comfort zone ends on a positive note

 

[lookingforsanctuary]

That's great!