Logic follows feeling

[Archness]

Humans feel things before they explain it. We don't logics and calculations to determine what to feel, we do that afterwards, to explain, to understand ourselves.

In the past :
I'd just feel like my very existence was off more and more. Like just being alive was wrong. My happiness and being content just being started to disappear. My optimistic view was replaced by what I see as the truth of this world. Everything that makes me happy does so less and less and less, and I'm increasingly "only passing the time" with things I liked doing. With what I know, understanding my place in the world, this "will to die" seemingly emerged from myself. What I know, where I am; it came from that, and afterwards I knew why.

I didn't always understand this feeling; at first, there was a realization that my life would consist of work, play, then I fucking die. The suicidality emerged, I was just hoping it'd change, but it didn't. Even given I could "enjoy" my life, painless with some pleasures, I'd think about killing myself. Even when I'm happy and having joy, there's an indifference to that sensation I have. I think about how my existence is a waste, how this soul... consciousness... divine light, or whatever is wasted on such a fucking low-life failure like myself.

People would say I'm "just wrong", but this feeling is self evident, right? They can't convince me because this isn't from rationality or logic, those are only in my explanation of it, an understanding. They could never understand, because they live just to survive.

I'm just.... I have everything to survive but nothing to live. I'm a hog that can only eat and shit but with a mind and soul from god. Fucking waste, for the damn garbage.

*sigh*

 

[Octavia]

Methinks that existential dread is the term for what you are feeling.

 

[Onw9]

Will to die is real

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

Humans feel things before they explain it. We don't logics and calculations to determine what to feel, we do that afterwards, to explain, to understand ourselves.

i agree with this 100%, ive thought about the same thing myself actually. even written some philosophy stuff about it. feeling, sensation, emotion, etc. always comes before any rationalization or logic. humans just try to rationalize what we feel. but tbh, i got tired of rationalizing. it feels fake, separated and distorted from the initial feeling.

i also relate heavily with everything you described on a personal level.

 

[FuneralCry]

Existence is something that is so incredibly pointless and useless after all as it's just an unfortunate consequence of evolution. I will always see consciousness as being a cruel mistake and a curse, of course at least to me it's always preferable to not exist. There is no value to being trapped here so unnecessarily just to inevitably deteriorate from age and die anyway. I also know that I would always be suicidal no matter what as life itself is what I view as being the true problem.

 

[SilentSadness]

I agree, I think moral systems are structured around what people want to be the case. Religions and politics are good examples; people will go a long way with their explanations before giving up their beliefs. In my view though, ctb is a rational choice so even if I have survival instinct I know it is still the right option for me. And by the way, I also don't feel that I'm living, only surviving, and I know the pain so I hope that you don't have to experience it for much longer.