monetpompo
𐔌˙.
- Apr 21, 2025
- 691
formerly someone that could write several paragraphs in the span of 10 minutes, i'm now at a loss of words when i have to say something for the last time.
i'm graduating from sasu and going somewhere else. i'm like a depressed vtuber. over the course of these last few weeks, i've realized that i no longer want to interact with this website or the people on it because i just don't enjoy it anymore. i don't like getting messages from people anymore. i don't like posting anymore. i don't like logging on here and having to emotionally detach from everyone i interact with because everyone could die. going on here and saying that i'll "just look at the recovery section" is a joke, since the suicide section has way more interesting posts and more activity. obviously, since this is sanctioned suicide.
i've been deleting my posts more often. i get anxious when i get notifications because my stomach twists a little when i remember that people know i exist and read the things i write during a depressive spiral. i write here to expel the negative things i don't want to tell anyone else, but i don't want the people that read my posts to think that they know me or that i want to have conversations with them just because they related to my post or feel worried about me. i don't want any of you to actually think that i'm a good person, because i lay in bed and wither all day, i tell my friends that they should hate me, and i get seen as a leech by my parents because i can't drive. even if i am still a good person in spite of all those things, i don't feel like a good person. something i got told on sunday by someone that still believes in me is "self pity is a cancer and you let it metastasize". first, my dumbass didn't know what the word was, so i googled it, then i felt so embarrassed that i wanted to die and recover at the same time. i think the thing with sasu folks is that everyone will always think a similar way as me, so it can make me feel comforted but also lead me to stagnate and stew on how i feel as i talk about it more and more.
sucidiality can feel like a social contagion at times. i feel like wincing when i hear the words "kill yourself" as a joke now. i've told myself to kill myself so many times by now in order to be a "real" suicidal person, even though i used to say it as an edgy joke too. now it's too real for me. i don't want to flip flop between wanting to kill myself and be around people that are dealing with the same thoughts, even if i understand the way it feels. i can't be friends with any of you because i can't handle my emotions well enough to handle someone else's. sometimes the hopelessness and despair coming from my own posts and other people's gives me a physical reaction. rereading my posts when i'm in a better mood make me feel like i'm not the same person that wrote it. i almost want to ask myself why i wrote it in the first place. do i have a desire to be understood by others, when i'm fully aware that i'm writing in an echo chamber? do i want validation for feeling the way i do, when i don't even care about the way i feel or my desire to express it? i don't know why my heart aches when it's always been like this. maybe i just miss when i liked this site and the sense of community it gave me, before i felt irritated by people sending me messages or reading my comments all the time. i don't feel like i deserve it.
i hardly do things to benefit myself. sasu's still a stain on my mind, but i don't want to feel any new grief by staying on here longer than i should. i enjoy the trans community/people with anime profile pictures i've talked to here. @moonlightbeach, @Hibiki, @mariannelle, @getoutgirl, @euthanizeddog and others, thank you for being my friends. i miss you, @evanescent_eva and @Droso.
anyways stream femtanyl and watch lain. don't kill yourself, you idiot!
i'm graduating from sasu and going somewhere else. i'm like a depressed vtuber. over the course of these last few weeks, i've realized that i no longer want to interact with this website or the people on it because i just don't enjoy it anymore. i don't like getting messages from people anymore. i don't like posting anymore. i don't like logging on here and having to emotionally detach from everyone i interact with because everyone could die. going on here and saying that i'll "just look at the recovery section" is a joke, since the suicide section has way more interesting posts and more activity. obviously, since this is sanctioned suicide.
i've been deleting my posts more often. i get anxious when i get notifications because my stomach twists a little when i remember that people know i exist and read the things i write during a depressive spiral. i write here to expel the negative things i don't want to tell anyone else, but i don't want the people that read my posts to think that they know me or that i want to have conversations with them just because they related to my post or feel worried about me. i don't want any of you to actually think that i'm a good person, because i lay in bed and wither all day, i tell my friends that they should hate me, and i get seen as a leech by my parents because i can't drive. even if i am still a good person in spite of all those things, i don't feel like a good person. something i got told on sunday by someone that still believes in me is "self pity is a cancer and you let it metastasize". first, my dumbass didn't know what the word was, so i googled it, then i felt so embarrassed that i wanted to die and recover at the same time. i think the thing with sasu folks is that everyone will always think a similar way as me, so it can make me feel comforted but also lead me to stagnate and stew on how i feel as i talk about it more and more.
sucidiality can feel like a social contagion at times. i feel like wincing when i hear the words "kill yourself" as a joke now. i've told myself to kill myself so many times by now in order to be a "real" suicidal person, even though i used to say it as an edgy joke too. now it's too real for me. i don't want to flip flop between wanting to kill myself and be around people that are dealing with the same thoughts, even if i understand the way it feels. i can't be friends with any of you because i can't handle my emotions well enough to handle someone else's. sometimes the hopelessness and despair coming from my own posts and other people's gives me a physical reaction. rereading my posts when i'm in a better mood make me feel like i'm not the same person that wrote it. i almost want to ask myself why i wrote it in the first place. do i have a desire to be understood by others, when i'm fully aware that i'm writing in an echo chamber? do i want validation for feeling the way i do, when i don't even care about the way i feel or my desire to express it? i don't know why my heart aches when it's always been like this. maybe i just miss when i liked this site and the sense of community it gave me, before i felt irritated by people sending me messages or reading my comments all the time. i don't feel like i deserve it.
i hardly do things to benefit myself. sasu's still a stain on my mind, but i don't want to feel any new grief by staying on here longer than i should. i enjoy the trans community/people with anime profile pictures i've talked to here. @moonlightbeach, @Hibiki, @mariannelle, @getoutgirl, @euthanizeddog and others, thank you for being my friends. i miss you, @evanescent_eva and @Droso.
anyways stream femtanyl and watch lain. don't kill yourself, you idiot!
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