Logging back into SS for the first time in months

[cicadafriend]

Howdy,
Around early summer of 2023 I made this account, and honestly, I'm surprised it hasn't been booted off for inactivity. I kept in touch with several users here, logged on daily, joined the discord, etc. I had a very detailed plan about what I was going to do, was fresh out of the psych ward, really ready to call it quits. Long story short, my recovery was probably more accidental than it was intentional. I unexpectedly got a pretty cozy part-time job while in recovery, met my current boyfriend, went back to school, and moved into my own apartment, all within the span of a few months. However, I'm still experiencing really harsh depressive episodes. My depression always skyrockets in the Spring, and moving to a new town where I don't know anyone has been beyond discouraging. I'm also realizing that taking time off from college to recover and monitor my health didn't make me hate college any less, but there's a lot of pressure from my family to finish a degree. I wish I was able to explore trades and alternative careers when I was younger, because now I feel trapped in a situation that keeps proving to be detrimental to my health. I try to stay on top of my medication, but since moving I haven't been able to find another doctor yet and my health insurance is pretty shitty. Money is super tight and is exacerbated by useless class-related costs like materials and textbooks. I really want to stay on the path of recovery, but I'm worried that no matter what I decide to do I'm setting myself up for failure in my future. Does anyone have any advice?

 

[LaVieEnRose]

What does failure look like to you?

It's great that you were able to make that kind of progress. I bet you weren't expecting that to happen any time soon.

 

[cicadafriend]

What does failure look like to you?

It's great that you were able to make that kind of progress. I bet you weren't expecting that to happen any time soon.

Hmm. I guess failure for me would be not making enough money to where I could buy some land or a small house in the next decade. I really just want to make enough money to have that and live comfortably. I don't have expensive hobbies, plan on going to grad school, or want kids so I have a bit of a financial advantage. It would just feel weird to not complete my degree in the next two years. Sunk cost fallacy and all that.
And thank you! I am proud of my progress if not a little frustrated that it didn't magically cure my depression. I at least don't have any current plans/intentions to ctb.

 

[Equaldentist]

How old are you? does being in a new town mean you are further away from your family, could you go low contact with them for a bit?

Your college probably has mental health support, have you spoken to them and asked if there's any assistance they could offer you?

 

[cicadafriend]

How old are you? does being in a new town mean you are further away from your family, could you go low contact with them for a bit?

Your college probably has mental health support, have you spoken to them and asked if there's any assistance they could offer you?

I could probably go low-contact, but we have a pretty good relationship and I love my family. It's just a lot of pressure but it comes from good intentions.
My college doesn't have the most fleshed-out counseling, especially compared to my former university. Basically it's "you can come to our counseling center for 4-5 sessions a semester but it has to be university-related".

 

[Equaldentist]

I could probably go low-contact, but we have a pretty good relationship and I love my family. It's just a lot of pressure but it comes from good intentions.
My college doesn't have the most fleshed-out counseling, especially compared to my former university. Basically it's "you can come to our counseling center for 4-5 sessions a semester but it has to be university-related".

Is there a reason that you haven't asked for them to back off a bit then? is it because you think admitting you're struggling will also disappoint them? I obviously don't know your family, but if you have a good relationship I'd hope they'd understand if you explained how you were feeling.

So your uni doesn't provide any material assistance with like paying for books or anything? because I know a lot of universities do. Also if you are struggling with the course and it's making you depressed, that is university related.

 

[cicadafriend]

Is there a reason that you haven't asked for them to back off a bit then? is it because you think admitting you're struggling will also disappoint them? I obviously don't know your family, but if you have a good relationship I'd hope they'd understand if you explained how you were feeling.

yep lol. Hit the nail right on the head there.

So your uni doesn't provide any material assistance with like paying for books or anything? because I know a lot of universities do. Also if you are struggling with the course and it's making you depressed, that is university related.

They don't have a rental program or anything like that, but I do have an appointment with financial aid where hopefully they'll consider adding me to their cost of material aid fund. I contacted their counseling service but don't know how to feel/ what to expect. Even if they can't help me with traumatic stress/depression, hopefully it'll give me some perspective about being a student in recovery

 

[Equaldentist]

I'm glad you've got things that could help coming up in the future! I really hope they work out for you.

It's normal to feel overwhelmed at times, could you kind of minimise it a bit and just be like 'Oh I'm having a really rough patch on the course at the moment' where there's the implication that it's only a temporary difficulty, would that be easier to share with your family?

 

[theboy]

Don't have savings to pay?

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Hmm. I guess failure for me would be not making enough money to where I could buy some land or a small house in the next decade. I really just want to make enough money to have that and live comfortably. I don't have expensive hobbies, plan on going to grad school, or want kids so I have a bit of a financial advantage. It would just feel weird to not complete my degree in the next two years. Sunk cost fallacy and all that.
And thank you! I am proud of my progress if not a little frustrated that it didn't magically cure my depression. I at least don't have any current plans/intentions to ctb.

It"s normal to be anxious about the future especially when you have not really enjoyed stability in your life. Worrying about stuff you can't predict only serves to spoil what you have now. Easier said than done, of course. But consider that you have already shown yourself to be full of resilience, adaptability, and grit by turning things around considerably when you were at one point seriously considering suicide. So that should give you some confidence that you'll be able to face future obstacles.

How do you think you could get less isolated?

Do you feel positive at all about what you're studying?

 

[cicadafriend]

Don't have savings to pay?

I do have a little bit thankfully. I can stretch a dollar

How do you think you could get less isolated?

Do you feel positive at all about what you're studying?

I could honestly make a better effort to meet people, just not sure where. Not much of a party goer and I don't really drink.
I do like my major, just never thrilled to take a class I know I won't need for the jobs I want. I don't expect to make a lot right out of school but it would at least suit my interests.

Thanks for the kind words y'all. Sometimes hard times feel like the end of the world in recovery.