Venting Living with family makes me more suicidal

[unsaiddes]

I shouldn't go into excessive detail for privacy reasons, but I'm in my mid 20s and still live with my parents, my sibling and their spouse. They make my suicidality significantly worse, but I feel like I can't leave.

My dad is an extremist far-right bigot who is retired and blasts disturbing and hateful propaganda on his tablet and the TV all day. My mom is clingy and invasive and tries to guilt me into literally never moving out, every time I leave the house she interrogates me on where I'm going and how long I'll be gone. My sibling is fine but their spouse sees me as inferior, incompetent, has no respect for me or my cats, and virtually dominates the house.

I work from home full time and am saving up to buy a house, despite also wanting to CTB constantly. I have a decent amount in savings but no investments and I don't make enough hourly to truly afford a house, maybe a small condo but it still might be a huge struggle to keep up with payments. I live in a state with a very high cost of living, but if I left the state my family would throw a fit and accuse me of abandoning them. My parents are very disapproving of the idea of me renting an apartment and berate me for even thinking about it, as they believe it's a waste of money and stupid since living at home with them is "better."

I have no backbone and can't stand up to anybody in this house about anything. If I moved out I'd still want to die, but living here just exacerbates it tenfold. I don't have it in me to say screw it, get out by any means necessary and cut off all contact with the only family I've ever had and ever will have. They may not like me but I do believe they love me, which is why I'm struggling with what to do.

I'm fully aware I'm a grown ass adult, I just feel completely helpless and hopeless.

 

[Kerock]

Yeah at that point it isnt really much about growing a back bone but more of not giving a fuck and doing your best to moveout. If all else fails trying to move out, least your death will be peaceful and you dont have to deal or listen to your family.

 

[SoftWorries]

Dude get onto a roommate website asap and find a cheap furnished room and get out of there.

It's the first of the month tomorrow which is a good time. You've got to get out.

When this is a life or death situation you need to remove yourself from it instead of removing yourself from life.

You don't have to cut them out of your life but you need to protect yourself. Cutting people out of your life too quickly can cause trauma in any case. Take that slow if it's needed but get yourself somewhere safe.

 

[endless_pain]

Reading your post seemed like my situation, although I do not have a job right now to save more money, and even if I want to I have to face toxic shame and social anxiety, dealing with this problem since childhood.
I validate your sufference, and I also see how your mom guilt trips you, because it happens to me the same.
I have accepted the fact that they are not genuinely capable of loving me, although I am stuck anyway with it.

 

[Mirrory Me]

Interesting story. I think it would be better to move somewhere to rent for a while and only look at your own apartment at an older age when you want to settle somewhere permanently, because who knows what can happen over the years. You probably love them, but it's important that you get to expand more in your own direction- it's your life after all.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I think you truly know that you owe it to yourself to leave. That doesn't mean you're abandoning your family. It's not wrong to put your needs first. You're fortunate you have some ability to leave an unhelpful living situation. You don't have to wait to buy a house to move out. There are other types of situations. I think at least a part of your hesitation is a function of your family's not always so good treatment of you. If you can recognize that then that'll probably loosen the bonds tethering you to that home.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds so awful having to put up with people like that, I hate how in this world other people can very easily just make existing worse but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Catastrofe]

My parents are very disapproving of the idea of me renting an apartment and berate me for even thinking about it, as they believe it's a waste of money and stupid since living at home with them is "better."

I feel you, I am also struggling with parents, and I know how difficult is to just do not care abut what they say. My father and I are very different, and he has always been an emotionally negative presence in my life, because we just do not get each other . But remember: *you are not born to be miserable*. Parents will hardly understand, but you can do whatever you want - always, and even more as an adult, and even more as a mistreated adult. You are doing great to save up money! Can you afford a room in a shared apartment? It is not the best but it would be cheaper than a house and a start for living on your own.
Find your way out of that place as soon as possible.