AndrewWood'sDeath
Member
- Aug 11, 2021
- 25
This is just a random vent (warning serious whiner) but I don't even know what to do anymore. I am just so tired of being alive and trying to live up to other people's and my own expectations. I got out of the garbage can that I was raised in but I am still just a piece of garbage removed from the can and tossed on the street. I screw everything up, all my thought are fucked up. I worked and worked and finally saved up money to go to community college then a university worked harder and harder kept a perfect GPA got research experience and clinical hours and finally I have made into a really good university....and I am doing nothing. Just drinking, cutting myself and wasting away in my van. I hate the people here, I hate this city but its not like I was doing much better mentally at my old uni. I just hate myself so much and I know its because I was just born this piece of crunchy slimy garbage. I know this isn't right but to tell the truth I think I was abused/ raped because I was born fucking deranged. Like they just saw the little monster in me and tried cut it down before it could flourish and become a stain on the world.
Very soon it will be too late to go back, a semester of Fs is certainly enough to keep me from achieving my dreams. All I ever wanted was to take care of the earth and help it but you just can't when you're the garbage that litters it. At the end of day you can't un-be a fuckup. I just wish someone would torture me to death. I honestly don't even want to go peacefully I want to suffer and I hope that hell is real so I can get sent there. So I can suffer for all eternity just for being who I am. Who I was born as. Garbage. But I am pathetic and I don't want to stay around here and emotionally suffer, I want to suffer physically so that I can just stop feeling. Anguish and terror are okay its the slow sickening self hatred, and societal degradation that I can't stand.
Its unfair to me and unfair to my sister (well one of them I have 6 siblings), not only I just want to die but it would make her so depressed and miserable (even though she clearly can't stand it and just somehow can't acknowledge that to herself) so instead I just have to stay here and rot, but its unfair to her to know that she's the only reason that I don't kill myself. That's a ridiculous burden and an unhealthy relationship but I don't know how to get her out of it because any way that I remove myself from her life (death or not) would make her miserable (and me as well she is truly the only person I enjoy even though I am unstable asshole who will decides she hates me in the bat of eyelash not that my feelings here really matter). I am not saying she is perfectly mentally well herself but she at least deserves better than this.
I want to want achieving things so that I can help the world but I just can't make myself anymore. The paranoia, the delusions, the self hatred, the anger, I can't go on living in my mind like this. I have tried to get help but it really doesn't mean anything to me. Can't touch fortress I have built. I know this mean its my fault for building these walls but its not like anyone has ever reached out and just said, "hey are you okay?" Instead I get glares, snide remarks, judgment, fireworks thrown in my car. I get it I am the litter in your street. I get it I'm the stain on society we want to go away. Sometimes I think it didn't have to be this way, I was smart once, smart and loving when I was young. But I couldn't take the world I had been put in so I hit myself in the head with a hammer and drank bleach until I barely functioned. Not even sure how you do that at such a young age but my sister says I would do it frequently but she was too scared to ever ask anyone to take me to a hospital. It wouldn't have mattered though you don't do that if you're not already fucked up in the head. It wouldn't have changed anything.
Anyway sorry for the long rant I hope you all have a bearable to wonderful day and if you actually read this thanks for putting up with my whiney ranting.
Very soon it will be too late to go back, a semester of Fs is certainly enough to keep me from achieving my dreams. All I ever wanted was to take care of the earth and help it but you just can't when you're the garbage that litters it. At the end of day you can't un-be a fuckup. I just wish someone would torture me to death. I honestly don't even want to go peacefully I want to suffer and I hope that hell is real so I can get sent there. So I can suffer for all eternity just for being who I am. Who I was born as. Garbage. But I am pathetic and I don't want to stay around here and emotionally suffer, I want to suffer physically so that I can just stop feeling. Anguish and terror are okay its the slow sickening self hatred, and societal degradation that I can't stand.
Its unfair to me and unfair to my sister (well one of them I have 6 siblings), not only I just want to die but it would make her so depressed and miserable (even though she clearly can't stand it and just somehow can't acknowledge that to herself) so instead I just have to stay here and rot, but its unfair to her to know that she's the only reason that I don't kill myself. That's a ridiculous burden and an unhealthy relationship but I don't know how to get her out of it because any way that I remove myself from her life (death or not) would make her miserable (and me as well she is truly the only person I enjoy even though I am unstable asshole who will decides she hates me in the bat of eyelash not that my feelings here really matter). I am not saying she is perfectly mentally well herself but she at least deserves better than this.
I want to want achieving things so that I can help the world but I just can't make myself anymore. The paranoia, the delusions, the self hatred, the anger, I can't go on living in my mind like this. I have tried to get help but it really doesn't mean anything to me. Can't touch fortress I have built. I know this mean its my fault for building these walls but its not like anyone has ever reached out and just said, "hey are you okay?" Instead I get glares, snide remarks, judgment, fireworks thrown in my car. I get it I am the litter in your street. I get it I'm the stain on society we want to go away. Sometimes I think it didn't have to be this way, I was smart once, smart and loving when I was young. But I couldn't take the world I had been put in so I hit myself in the head with a hammer and drank bleach until I barely functioned. Not even sure how you do that at such a young age but my sister says I would do it frequently but she was too scared to ever ask anyone to take me to a hospital. It wouldn't have mattered though you don't do that if you're not already fucked up in the head. It wouldn't have changed anything.
Anyway sorry for the long rant I hope you all have a bearable to wonderful day and if you actually read this thanks for putting up with my whiney ranting.
