Living the dream, but possibly threw it all away. Need information

[Cochalita01]

Hi, I am new to this site, so please excuse any infractions of local etiquette;;; I am a mid 20's autistic male, single, and living with my mother. Unlike many people in this kind of situation I do not see this as a bad thing, because my mother is very supportive and have given everything for me to be successful and live my dreams, including moving to a foreign country. Me and my mother are living as expats, so that I can pursue a career in a genre of music that does not exist in my country of birth. My mother is the very definition of devotion, dedication, loyalty and selflessness. My mother does not exercise any strictness other than what is healthy. However the only extremely strict rule that she has made clear is that I am not to smoke tobacco, because I am highly allergic to it and it is very dangerous for me. If I am caught smoking tobacco, then she will withdraw all financial support, emotional support, and leave this country and go back to the country of our birth. Thus my career in music will be destroyed. Many people reading this will be like, big deal, it is only a career, not the end of the world; however, to me it is everything. Without music I am nothing. It is the only thing that has kept a person like me with autism and various other neurological conditions away from a lifetime of social isolation, monotony and disability care. Saturday night I was caught smoking for the fourth time in 1 year. I have been given 3 second chances so far, and it is very possible I have blown the last straw. I am now in a period of waiting. It will go either two ways; in a few days I will be given a second chance and consider myself the luckiest guy in the world and NEVER TOUCH CIGARETTES AGAIN;;;; or I will not be spared and the permanent, life altering punishment will be carried out;;;, in which I will have either the option of suicide or a lifetime of misery and regret ahead of me. I will give myself 1 month. If I have not been given a second chance after one month I will know that there is no coming back, as any mere empty threat from my mom will always expire within a week. If not I will need to make the decision to leave Earth. However, we live in a small city where there are not many tall buildings, and due to quarantine we are trapped in the house anyway. In the attachments are some photos of the street I live in. Please have a look so you can get the idea;;;; My only option for a fatal fall is very complicated and tricky;;;; We are on the 4th floor of an apartment building above a concrete sidewalk. Below is a tangle of electrical cables running alongside and crisscrossing the street. From my knowledge the only way to guarantee death from the 4th floor is to land head first. Otherwise I will become the property of disability care services for the rest of my life. I have a few questions and would like to know if anyone (Especially someone trained in Geometry) would have some advice some advice about how to land head first without spinning while falling, or being spun by hitting one of the cables;;;
the parallel running cables give me about 1 meter's width between the wall of the building and the cables;;; should I take my chances between that narrow margin, or should I try diving swimming pool style a couple of meters further into the middle of the street? Also, the four straight, thick cables that are above the main bundle of cables are completely uncovered, exposed high voltage mains cables. Could I jump onto them and electrocute myself to death? If anyone knows about Geometry, I would really appreciate help with information about how to go about falling straight without spinning or being knocked by a cable;;;
If I am given a second chance I will leave this forum and have my account removed as this thread will become completely irrelevant. Please pray that this will be so. Thank you

 

[tothemoon]

Well here is my advice. You are what we call situationally suicidal. I don't say this often, but if there is one time I'm opposed to suicide its this. Please understand, I myself am suicidal because of a specific situation, HOWEVER it has been quite awhile now. My advice, unequivocally is DON"T DO IT. If things actually do get ruined and you feel this way two years from now, that's a different story. But no one should kill themselves just a few days into a bad situation (if they want to do it later that's ok IMO, sometimes things don't get better).

 

[Cochalita01]

Well here is my advice. You are what we call situationally suicidal. I don't say this often, but if there is one time I'm opposed to suicide its this. Please understand, I myself am suicidal because of a specific situation, HOWEVER it has been quite awhile now. My advice, unequivocally is DON"T DO IT. If things actually do get ruined and you feel this way two years from now, that's a different story. But no one should kill themselves just a few days into a bad situation (if they want to do it later that's ok IMO, sometimes things don't get better).

Thank you very much ;;;;; your term Situational is very accurate. However, I certainly will not be carrying anything out within a few days !!!! Very unwise. It will be at least a month before I decide anything (which is what I have written) and I know my mother well;;; I know when she backs down and when she doesnt;;;; after 1 month I will know where she stands. Although I would prefer to let it wait much longer, if I am not spared in that timeframe I will have to act quickly as in a couple of months I may have little hope of CTB because by then the quarrantine could be over and the airports might once again be running flights to the country of my birth in which case I will probably be exiled back there;;;; and the small town in the country of my birth where the rest of my family lives has no high buildings;;;; 2 floors maximum so my only hope in that situation will be enduring a very slow and painful death of wandering out into the ocean. Although it really is tricky and precarious here in the city where currently I live too ;;;; especially only having four storeys to fall and lots of tangled cables;;;; which is why I am asking for tips on how to maximise my chances if indeed the need for it arises.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

Maybe, you could write your Mom a letter apologizing for your behavior, and acknowledging the seriousness of what you did. You could also state that you are completely done with cigarettes, and promise to never touch them again. She just might give you that second chance you hope for.

 

[Cochalita01]

Maybe, you could write your Mom a letter apologizing for your behavior, and acknowledging the seriousness of what you did. You could also state that you are completely done with cigarettes, and promise to never touch them again. She just might give you that second chance you hope for.

That would have been a perfect idea in another era;;;;; but I have a long history of fucking up that spans more than a decade and have been given so many chances, more than I have ever deserved. Writing a letter saying I'm sorry I won't do it again became very old a long time ago;;; as have the flowers, cards, chocolates etc. no longer a valid way of expressing repentance. The only thing I can do is wait and see what happens before I make the decision.
Is their anyone here who has tips on how to fall straight and not spin or flip on the way down?

 

[Hopeindeath!]

That would have been a perfect idea in another era;;;;; but I have a long history of fucking up that spans more than a decade and have been given so many chances, more than I have ever deserved. Writing a letter saying I'm sorry I won't do it again became very old a long time ago;;; as have the flowers, cards, chocolates etc. no longer a valid way of expressing repentance. The only thing I can do is wait and see what happens before I make the decision.
Is their anyone here who has tips on how to fall straight and not spin or flip on the way down?

Have you tried Wellbutrin for smoking cessation? Maybe if you are willing to try it, your Mom will change her mind because, you are taking action. I completely get that words aren't enough. I hope things work out for you.