Venting Living on the Line

[tinymoon]

You know the expression "one foot in the grave"? I know it typically means one who is dying or something close to ending, but it also aptly describes the way I've lived my life for several years and why I'm uncertain if I can ever live as a normal person. I'm approaching my late twenties and have been suicidal off-and-on since I was in my preteens and it's created a loose attachment to life that I cannot shake. Objectively, my life is going the best it has in awhile: I've improved a lot as a person, I'm in school pursuing something that I'm both interested in and believe I'll excel at professionally, I'm finally making friends and going out on dates, and my OCD and generalized anxiety are no longer hungry monsters consuming my every thought and breath. However, I look at all of this with a removal, an emptiness, and as clear as a bell chime I still feel the urge to die. This is ironic on the surface, but my suicidal desires are most intense after something really good happens, like I finish a project I've been working on forever and I'm proud of the work. Everything just seems so disappointing and not worth all the pain and effort that comes along with it. I'm hit with the questions of, "Is this it? This pleasure is what I've endured all of this for, why I spent so much time recovering from all that sexual trauma, all that mental illness, all those silly mental hospital stays? What's the point? Why should I keep going?" For more than half my life death was the foregone conclusion, and even though I'm much happier than I have been in the past, it's fundamentally altered how I look at life and myself. Death will always be an option to me, something to fall back into easily and readily, and because of this I have a difficult time committing to life enough in order to make it worthwhile. I do believe on some level if I really decide to not kill myself I could make a good life for myself, but a big part of me doesn't want to, and a bigger part of me feels unable to let death go. It all seems so daunting, and I know that the more I throw myself into it the more and more pain I will feel, and I'm not sure if I can take it. My inherent melancholic temperament makes even the slightest of things hurt badly and suicide has been the only armor that has allowed me to perservere through it, but it's also part of what's keeping me from finding fulfillment in life. On a fundamental level, it seem as though someone like me isn't meant to live and I don't know why I'm persisting.

Thank you for reading my vent.

 

[jodes2]

That sucks. But a very very well done with the progress you've made, what tremendous progress! I wish I knew what to suggest about your lack of satisfaction, though. Maybe you need to explore your interests more, or try some new things that you could develop an interest for, maybe things you've been curious about?

On the other hand, maybe it's something medication could help with? There are so many choices out there, with so many different mechanisms of action, it's plausible you just need to find one that does it for you.

There's probably other things to explore too, maybe a psychologist or therapist would be helpful. You've come so far, you can't give up now :) yes, death I suppose is always an option. But I think it should be left for when time has run out and absolute disaster is imminent. But you seem to be doing pretty damned well with the progress you've made! You don't need to force yourself to feel pain to progress. Just work at things calmly, one at a time, as you feel ready. Take steps forward fixing what's left to fix, one thing at a time. Look after yourself, look after your well-being. Try to be proactive by doing what you can comfortably do when you feel ready.

It's odd that you feel suicidal after something good happens, I can't get my head round that, I'm not sure it's ever happened to me. But it's definitely worth mentioning to a professional if you haven't already, I'm sure they'll have insight into that. Fear not. You've made amazing progress, doesn't sound like you have much more to go. It might just take a bit of patience. Be easy on yourself. You're still dealing with things.

 

[epic]

You know the expression "one foot in the grave"? I know it typically means one who is dying or something close to ending, but it also aptly describes the way I've lived my life for several years and why I'm uncertain if I can ever live as a normal person. I'm approaching my late twenties and have been suicidal off-and-on since I was in my preteens and it's created a loose attachment to life that I cannot shake. Objectively, my life is going the best it has in awhile: I've improved a lot as a person, I'm in school pursuing something that I'm both interested in and believe I'll excel at professionally, I'm finally making friends and going out on dates, and my OCD and generalized anxiety are no longer hungry monsters consuming my every thought and breath. However, I look at all of this with a removal, an emptiness, and as clear as a bell chime I still feel the urge to die. This is ironic on the surface, but my suicidal desires are most intense after something really good happens, like I finish a project I've been working on forever and I'm proud of the work. Everything just seems so disappointing and not worth all the pain and effort that comes along with it. I'm hit with the questions of, "Is this it? This pleasure is what I've endured all of this for, why I spent so much time recovering from all that sexual trauma, all that mental illness, all those silly mental hospital stays? What's the point? Why should I keep going?" For more than half my life death was the foregone conclusion, and even though I'm much happier than I have been in the past, it's fundamentally altered how I look at life and myself. Death will always be an option to me, something to fall back into easily and readily, and because of this I have a difficult time committing to life enough in order to make it worthwhile. I do believe on some level if I really decide to not kill myself I could make a good life for myself, but a big part of me doesn't want to, and a bigger part of me feels unable to let death go. It all seems so daunting, and I know that the more I throw myself into it the more and more pain I will feel, and I'm not sure if I can take it. My inherent melancholic temperament makes even the slightest of things hurt badly and suicide has been the only armor that has allowed me to perservere through it, but it's also part of what's keeping me from finding fulfillment in life. On a fundamental level, it seem as though someone like me isn't meant to live and I don't know why I'm persisting.

Thank you for reading my vent.

Trying to find meaning and a greater purpose to pursue could help. People have dedicated their entire life to a cause which inturn gives them meaning . Find out what makes you happy the most or what really makes you proud of yourself. Could be anything like raising a family, earning loads of money, volunteering for a charity . It could even be a mix of activities each adding a different meaning and reason to exist.

 

[tinymoon]

That sucks. But a very very well done with the progress you've made, what tremendous progress! I wish I knew what to suggest about your lack of satisfaction, though. Maybe you need to explore your interests more, or try some new things that you could develop an interest for, maybe things you've been curious about?

On the other hand, maybe it's something medication could help with? There are so many choices out there, with so many different mechanisms of action, it's plausible you just need to find one that does it for you.

There's probably other things to explore too, maybe a psychologist or therapist would be helpful. You've come so far, you can't give up now :) yes, death I suppose is always an option. But I think it should be left for when time has run out and absolute disaster is imminent. But you seem to be doing pretty damned well with the progress you've made! You don't need to force yourself to feel pain to progress. Just work at things calmly, one at a time, as you feel ready. Take steps forward fixing what's left to fix, one thing at a time. Look after yourself, look after your well-being. Try to be proactive by doing what you can comfortably do when you feel ready.

It's odd that you feel suicidal after something good happens, I can't get my head round that, I'm not sure it's ever happened to me. But it's definitely worth mentioning to a professional if you haven't already, I'm sure they'll have insight into that. Fear not. You've made amazing progress, doesn't sound like you have much more to go. It might just take a bit of patience. Be easy on yourself. You're still dealing with things.

While I appreciate the well-meaning advice, unfortunately medication and therapy haven't been effective for me. I've seen countless therapists over the years, some of whom were damaging in their incompetence, some competent but still not helpful, and I've been over 15+ different mood stabilizers, antidepressants, anti-psychotics, and anti-anxiety medications. None made my life better and multiple made it significantly worse. I also experienced medical negligence while hospitalized. All progress I've made has been on my own.

But maybe I need to be patient, though I've been patient for many years now, have improved, and have yet to see reason to live. Progress feels pointless when it makes things worse in its own way.

 

[jodes2]

While I appreciate the well-meaning advice, unfortunately medication and therapy haven't been effective for me. I've seen countless therapists over the years, some of whom were damaging in their incompetence, some competent but still not helpful, and I've been over 15+ different mood stabilizers, antidepressants, anti-psychotics, and anti-anxiety medications. None made my life better and multiple made it significantly worse. I also experienced medical negligence while hospitalized. All progress I've made has been on my own.

But maybe I need to be patient, though I've been patient for many years now, have improved, and have yet to see reason to live. Progress feels pointless when it makes things worse in its own way.

God that's terrible. I'm so sorry. Seriously well done with your progress then

 

[Deo volente]

Your post is so relatable... I feel that, wanting to die whenever something good happens, in my bones.

For a time, as soon as things felt like life might be worth living, that I might have things I want to accomplish before I die, I would panic. For so long death and suicidality had served as protection from all the injuries and insults of life. When one has made peace with their end, all of the normal anxieties of life drift away. One cannot be too stupid, or too broken, or have made too many mistake, or wasted too much time, to die. It is the ultimate delivery from such disquiet. But when one chooses life, and contends that there might be something to live for after all, all of those anxieties can come flooding back.

In some ways, I consider it a gift to accept one's own mortality. So many people live their entire lives in fear or denial of the reality that they will die eventually. To be able to accept it is an opportunity for an intentional approach to life. One in which one doesn't have to declare total retreat from their impending death or from the suffering of life. Being suicidal has left me with an abiding sense that I can die on my own terms. I can define what it is that I want to do and then do no more. Spared of any of the accidents or tragedies that can befall any person, I can live and do right by the people around me without signing on for 50 more years of human suffering and toil.

I guess only time will tell if one really can have it both ways like this, but at least for now, it has offered me a certain uneasy peace.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Your post is so eloquently written. I relate to so much of what you have said. I think the cruz of it really is- EVEN if I put in the enormous amount of effort to improve- will it really be worth it? I think the trouble people have who push recovery is that it's not very desirable or even achievable when the will to live has gone. When the very best case scenario still isn't really enough- when it doesn't justify all the shit you'll have to go through to get there.

I sort of suspect REAL recovery comes from a REAL desire to recover. Perhaps that will to live does come back for some people- when changes are made. I just wonder if the longterm suicidal people here have become just SO cynical and SO unhappy that it's very hard to truly believe in anything anymore. I REALLY relate to you. I've been suicidal to varying degrees since the age of 10. (For 33 years.) I think maybe it's harder to break long term patterns of thinking.

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings are completely understandable, as I do believe the truth is that some people are simply not meant for existing, at least that's the way that I see it and I could personally never see existence as being worth enduring. I believe that it's true that if one has considered suicide it will always be there as an option for them. But anyway, best wishes.