Venting living in limbo

[speck]

Is anyone else living in limbo? That is to say: you know you have to CTB, but you run different scenarios in your head constantly about how things could work out in your favor, if you did (A) you might feel like (B) and then you might decide to live, you havent done (C) so you might stay alive to do it just to see if things change, you did well at (D) so maybe it means you have a chance.
You start thinking, "well, why does that other person live and thrive? why does that person get to have this or that? could i be that person, can i thrive?" But at the end of all the mental gymnastics, you know that you can't thrive- if you could thrive you would have blossomed already. You realize that you have been scraping desperately at the side of the cliff for years to try to "get your life together" or function normally, you can see your defects clearly and you know they won't get any better once you are alone. The cycle exhausts you.
But you still have to continue on in day to day life because you haven't picked your method or your date, you want things to change, you want miracles.
I'm sitting here doing this coursework in a subject that I hate, and I can feel all of it sliding off of my trauma smoothed brain- and wondering, "well, what if i actually absorbed it? could i be successful? will this change anything?" and the other part of me has just cracked and wants to go, wants to just be done with this endless horrible life. At 31, I don't see any point in trying to live with my flaws and traumas any longer. I wish I could split into a second person and shake the person sitting at the desk and say "stop it! stop the foolish dreaming! you wasted your life and you made your grave, now get in for gods sake!"

(I have a very unique life situation that hinges on a time period so I know this multiplies the questions and dread of every day. You are the only people I can tell all this to- I can't even write it in a diary. Thanks for listening.)

 

[WornOutLife]

Yeah, I've been living in limbo since I'm 12 but somehow, I managed to get over during life's hardships.
Recently, I wanted to ctb asap but now I've given up on it and decided to give life one more (and the last) shot.

Anyway, hope things get better and you can have a happy life.

Hugs and love,

Matt

 

[AntiCycleAN]

I can relate to this as well. Some days I truly want to be better, and do things others do so easily, and some days I just want to go and not expend the effort required to be successful or content. My will to thrive ebbs and wanes daily, and my complete lack of motivation or drive to accomplish things things is probably the only reason I haven't cbt yet.

 

[life-eternal]

ya i'm living in limbo, i dunno what's worse: being 100% commited to CTB or being like this. At least if i was 100% commited i would know where i stand and have peace of mind. My brain changes every fucking hour and it is driving me insane, i dunno how much longer i can take it

 

[watchingthewheels]

I've often felt in limbo, and there's a reason it's said to be the waiting room between heaven or hell...as Tom Petty sang, "the waiting is the hardest part", not knowing what comes next, or what to do next...just...waiting. You have too much time to think about what might happen rather than dealing with what is happening, and that can be its own hell, and would probably rather fight than wait indefinitely...

Reminds me of a scene from the Van Gogh biopic LUST FOR LIFE with Kirk Douglass and Anthony Quinn as Gaughan. While "painting the town red", they wind up in a fight, and Gaughan says:

" Last winter in Martinique, I got into a fight with some sailors. I was in the hospital for a month, but it was worth it. Even that piddling brawl out there made me feel better than I have in weeks. And I know why: because suddenly there's something in front of you, something you can hit at. He stands there, you smash his teeth in, or he does it to you - either way it's alright: there's a *decision*. "

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

I wish I could split into a second person and shake the person sitting at the desk and say "stop it! stop the foolish dreaming! you wasted your life and you made your grave, now get in for gods sake!"

Wow.. That's totally what I need to hear and it's the same utter frustration I feel within myself.

But at the end of all the mental gymnastics, you know that you can't thrive- if you could thrive you would have blossomed already. You realize that you have been scraping desperately at the side of the cliff for years to try to "get your life together" or function normally, you can see your defects clearly and you know they won't get any better once you are alone. The cycle exhausts you.
But you still have to continue on in day to day life because you want things to change, you want miracles.

Honestly never felt so spoken for than now. It's like someone else has said what I thought only existed in my psyche.

 

[rosie93]

Is anyone else living in limbo? That is to say: you know you have to CTB, but you run different scenarios in your head constantly about how things could work out in your favor, if you did (A) you might feel like (B) and then you might decide to live, you havent done (C) so you might stay alive to do it just to see if things change, you did well at (D) so maybe it means you have a chance.
You start thinking, "well, why does that other person live and thrive? why does that person get to have this or that? could i be that person, can i thrive?" But at the end of all the mental gymnastics, you know that you can't thrive- if you could thrive you would have blossomed already. You realize that you have been scraping desperately at the side of the cliff for years to try to "get your life together" or function normally, you can see your defects clearly and you know they won't get any better once you are alone. The cycle exhausts you.
But you still have to continue on in day to day life because you haven't picked your method or your date, you want things to change, you want miracles.
I'm sitting here doing this coursework in a subject that I hate, and I can feel all of it sliding off of my trauma smoothed brain- and wondering, "well, what if i actually absorbed it? could i be successful? will this change anything?" and the other part of me has just cracked and wants to go, wants to just be done with this endless horrible life. At 31, I don't see any point in trying to live with my flaws and traumas any longer. I wish I could split into a second person and shake the person sitting at the desk and say "stop it! stop the foolish dreaming! you wasted your life and you made your grave, now get in for gods sake!"

(I have a very unique life situation that hinges on a time period so I know this multiplies the questions and dread of every day. You are the only people I can tell all this to- I can't even write it in a diary. Thanks for listening.)

This. Yes. <3