Venting Living due to the fear of hurting others

[ThatStateOfMind]

This isn't completely the reason I'm living, I'm also a huge coward as well, but I truly can't imagine hurting my family or my girlfriend. I am in such pain day-to-day though, and I often wonder if there's any way out for someone like me. Sometimes I wish someone would just crash into me or something and take my life, but I know the chances of that happening are slim.

I experienced something pretty bad this morning. My girlfriend hadn't called me by 12PM, which was unusual as she usually shoots me a text or call in the morning when she wakes up. My mind immediately went to the worst after a ton of unanswered calls and I felt such despair for some reason. Going through that, I can't imagine how she would feel if she couldn't get to me, and the pain she'd feel after my death is confirmed would be unimaginable. Same with my mom and what makes it worse is that she would be the most likely person to find me.

I don't know, it's such a painful situation. If I live, I'm in pain. If I don't, they're in pain. I wish I had the courage of others to just do it, but I don't. As I look at my sleeping cat too, i also wonder how she'd cope. Probably better than people as she has little grasp or comprehension of what would happen. I don't know, this is a weird tangent but i wanted to get it off my chest. This community has always helped me with that.

 

[TimetoGo!]

This isn't completely the reason I'm living, I'm also a huge coward as well, but I truly can't imagine hurting my family or my girlfriend. I am in such pain day-to-day though, and I often wonder if there's any way out for someone like me. Sometimes I wish someone would just crash into me or something and take my life, but I know the chances of that happening are slim.

I experienced something pretty bad this morning. My girlfriend hadn't called me by 12PM, which was unusual as she usually shoots me a text or call in the morning when she wakes up. My mind immediately went to the worst after a ton of unanswered calls and I felt such despair for some reason. Going through that, I can't imagine how she would feel if she couldn't get to me, and the pain she'd feel after my death is confirmed would be unimaginable. Same with my mom and what makes it worse is that she would be the most likely person to find me.

I don't know, it's such a painful situation. If I live, I'm in pain. If I don't, they're in pain. I wish I had the courage of others to just do it, but I don't. As I look at my sleeping cat too, i also wonder how she'd cope. Probably better than people as she has little grasp or comprehension of what would happen. I don't know, this is a weird tangent but i wanted to get it off my chest. This community has always helped me with that.

Completely understand and I think alot on here would agree.

Passing pain to others isn't easy, and the act itself is even harder.

Its mental torture that no one can explain

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Completely understand and I think alot on here would agree.

Passing pain to others isn't easy, and the act itself is even harder.

Its mental torture that no one can explain

Yeah, I've noticed many on here do share a similar sentiment. It's just so hard. I've been grappling with it a lot more frequently.

 

[painfree]

I completely agree, I've been in tears desperately on the verge of ctb a few times this passed year and the thought of family tore me apart. But now I'm trying to remind myself my suffering is sometimes unbearable. I refer to this notion in my letter to them as well. But I don't think we can ever get past that.

 

[jalapeno]

I don't think there is any reason to rush into this decision or force yourself over the edge until you are absolutely ready because I think that over time life reveals answers to the questions that are pressing in on you the most.

 

[houd1n1]

Hi,
I'm in a very similar boat as you. I have mostly everything I need to ctb, and I plan on getting a hotel the night I decide to do it, but the main things that have kept me from booking that hotel are the people in my life. They're wonderful people and they've done nothing to deserve the pain that I will ultimately cause them, but they also don't understand the pain I feel internally every. Single. Day. I plan to reiterate this in the letters I'm leaving and stating, "there wasn't anything anyone could have said or did to stop me from doing this" and hope it relieves some of the guilt they feel. People die, and it almost always causes someone pain, but knowing that someone died by their own hands makes it a bit more heartbreaking. I know I am going to hurt the people in my life right now, but I also know that it won't hurt forever, and I hope they know that I am at peace with my decisions.
May peace be with you.