Story Living after an attempt.

[Seiko]

First post here.

Attempted on the 5th of July. My method of choice was simple suspension. I had tied a slipknot and square knotted it to my doorknob. There were enough fireworks and padding to mask the body thrashing. I posted a note near my body and slowly suspended down compressing my carotid and jugular arteries with full intentions.

I find it intriguing that so many people are able to near immediately go unconscious with simple suspension. Even with applying more pressure than what is needed—which is only 7lbs—my head felt on the verge of exploding before unconsciousness. Your body will absolutely tell you when your brain isn't getting blood. Seconds short of blackout, I pussied out. Tried a couple more times, same shit. Tasted blood afterwards.

Spoiler: YouTube

Since that attempt, I now have a strong aversion to anything regarding asphyxia or strangulation. I cringe whenever I get pins and needles knowing that was what I did to my brain. I also now get random episodes of dry heaving and lightheadedness. For anyone attempting this method, just know it only takes a few seconds of strangulation to give yourself a TBI. I would get it checked out, but in the slim chance I don't CTB, my "dream" job does require a security clearance.

I am so grateful I am nearing the age of purchasing a firearm. Pulling a trigger is so much easier than sticking it out until blackout in a noose. The aftermath is an obvious downside for those who have to identify your body—a.k.a. your family (but you won't be alive to care). Suicide is all-or-nothing. Live or die; just don't live the rest of your life as a vegetable.

It's a shame that simply being honest with a therapist can mean spending nights away from home. It's a shame that even a history of SSRIs can disqualify you from careers.

I am still indifferent to living. My life is relatively easy. My mental fortitude is weak. Every set of virtues or morals I hold always fall apart. Some people just weren't made to last long.

 

[Midgardsorm]

It's only natural that we're too hard on ourselves. It's actually good, it means we want to improve. Sometimes we can, sometimes we cannot.

I tried full suspension once. Used a bedsheet for rope, however, I didn't work, the knot came undone and I fell really hard on my back. Stayed on the ground a while, I was a bit dizzy. Luckily I didn't told anyone.

We just keep living. Failed once, oh well. Maybe tomorrow, maybe not. Maybe someday.

Did you told anyone? If nobody knows, then you won't be disqualified.

 

[timf]

The process of experiment, failure, learning, and new experiment can be applied to life as well as ctb.

It is generally called successive approximation (meaning we can get increasingly closer to our goal).

Sometimes our sense of failure can be exaggerated because we see the totality of life and may feel that we have fallen short. However, if we narrow our view and look at a small part of our life near the edge, we can find ways to improve a little here and a little there. Slowly the larger portion of life can improve.

Strength in life comes from exercise. While we may not have sufficient strength to tackle all of life at once, it may be possible to work on a small portion at a time and build the strength to tackle the rest.