Venting Living a fantasy makes reality unbearable

[nvll]

I've been an escapist ever since I was little, and I've certainly maintained it into adulthood. I'm always daydreaming about some imaginary people, some fantasy world. It's great when I have a burst of creativity and make something I kind of like, but with every passing day it makes me realize how lackluster and bitter reality is. I can get by and get things done, but I'm always somewhere else, up in my head. The highlight of my day is going to bed and sinking into oblivion; when I wake up the next morning, though, invariably some part of me shrivels up inside.

I feel abnormal. Inhuman. It's hard to make new friends and connect with people, the winter has been hard on my repressed trauma (lost a parent at an early age, not to mention a whole lot of other bad memories that resurface nearly daily), and I keep taking on too many responsibilities to unsuccessfully alleviate my gifted kid burnout. Everything seems to chafe. I can feel happy, but only in small, usually fiction-induced amounts, and the last time I was freely happy was probably August 2021. I'm working hard because it helps me not think, but now I'm starting to resent some people that aren't giving back the effort I'm giving them.

I want to die. And if I don't succeed in this life I never asked for—if it doesn't get better, I should die. I completed a novella that could more or less be my suicide note. But I'm not in the position to act on anything now, and I have already tried to make things better (my therapist is nice, I just think my mind is determined to self-destruct), but I'm feeling worse.

 

[aforestfire]

i think i only get close from feeling happy when i'm sleeping, or when i'm making up faking scenarios while fully awake, it's very lonely, it gets harder to connect with others when you pass so much time in your own head. no one, and even less the world, can function in the same way that our heads play out they would.
either way, i hope you eventually find peace, or even a bit of happiness in the real world.

 

[livingdeadgrl]

I relate to this in a lot of levels, my first tattoo was "You can't escape from yourself" really big above my bust just to remember this. But as time passes by, I keep feeling more disconnected from this world, and but I can't get rid of this self sabotage cycle.

About that little kid bornout, I will allow myself to be annoying, and tell something that I wanted to hear before I had my own: When you supercharge yourself with responsabilities, and bornout knocks your door, your body will start to have aversion of do things, because you're hurting it, and your brain goes into a state of emergency and wants to avoid suffering, since you're not doing it by yourself. Probably, it's already happening, and you can see some signals of this, since the best part of your day is going to bed. In fact, you are very strong for keep going and fight against your brain, but you don't have to.

I really wish someone had warned me because I've done this for a shitty job that doesn't care about me and not worth the money at all.
You're look creative, artistic, empathic, determinate, a very interesting person in my useless opinion, and looks like a waste to deteriorate yourself like this, you know?
Hope things get better for you since you're putting a lot of effort on it!

 

[nvll]

i think i only get close from feeling happy when i'm sleeping, or when i'm making up faking scenarios while fully awake, it's very lonely, it gets harder to connect with others when you pass so much time in your own head. no one, and even less the world, can function in the same way that our heads play out they would.
either way, i hope you eventually find peace, or even a bit of happiness in the real world.

That's exactly the feeling, it's terrifying. Thank you for your thoughtful response, I wish the best for you.

I relate to this in a lot of levels, my first tattoo was "You can't escape from yourself" really big above my bust just to remember this. But as time passes by, I keep feeling more disconnected from this world, and but I can't get rid of this self sabotage cycle.

About that little kid bornout, I will allow myself to be annoying, and tell something that I wanted to hear before I had my own: When you supercharge yourself with responsabilities, and bornout knocks your door, your body will start to have aversion of do things, because you're hurting it, and your brain goes into a state of emergency and wants to avoid suffering, since you're not doing it by yourself. Probably, it's already happening, and you can see some signals of this, since the best part of your day is going to bed. In fact, you are very strong for keep going and fight against your brain, but you don't have to.

I really wish someone had warned me because I've done this for a shitty job that doesn't care about me and not worth the money at all.
You're look creative, artistic, empathic, determinate, a very interesting person in my useless opinion, and looks like a waste to deteriorate yourself like this, you know?
Hope things get better for you since you're putting a lot of effort on it!

That's some really good advice—it's not annoying at all! Your opinion is very useful, thank you for sharing. I hope things improve for you as well. You definitely deserve better than your current job.