Venting Limbo

[author]

Lately I keep going back and forth on wanting to die and make this shit stop and wanting to live really badly. I can't bring myself to fully commit to either. I can't commit to dying because "what if it gets better" but I can't commit to fully living because "what if I mess it all up and it gets worse". I'm also practically doing the exact same thing ever single damn day and I'm losing it. My head goes so fast thinking about how I don't know what to do that it's dizzying.

I'm stuck in limbo. I even have things I want to do right now, like creative stuff I want to put out, and it's very personal to me and I want to share it but I'm too scared of people calling it emo/fake deep/stupid. I'm scared that the people I'm just starting to meet and possibly befriend will see it and get weirded out. I don't want to make things worse on myself, but will it really matter? Like, that wouldn't matter if I died, right? Ugh...

Can't decide to live, can't decide to die, can't really do much at all, what do y'all think? I've exhausted a lot of options and at this point idk what I need. Maybe I just need to get it out here, or get some sleep since it's 4AM.

 

[cambrai33]

Lately I keep going back and forth on wanting to die and make this shit stop and wanting to live really badly. I can't bring myself to fully commit to either. I can't commit to dying because "what if it gets better" but I can't commit to fully living because "what if I mess it all up and it gets worse". I'm also practically doing the exact same thing ever single damn day and I'm losing it. My head goes so fast thinking about how I don't know what to do that it's dizzying.

I'm stuck in limbo. I even have things I want to do right now, like creative stuff I want to put out, and it's very personal to me and I want to share it but I'm too scared of people calling it emo/fake deep/stupid. I'm scared that the people I'm just starting to meet and possibly befriend will see it and get weirded out. I don't want to make things worse on myself, but will it really matter? Like, that wouldn't matter if I died, right? Ugh...

Can't decide to live, can't decide to die, can't really do much at all, what do y'all think? I've exhausted a lot of options and at this point idk what I need. Maybe I just need to get it out here, or get some sleep since it's 4AM.

I dont have long for the reply you probably deserve but I will try…..

You seem to have a desire to keep on living but it's just punctured with thoughts of ctb, I might be wrong but that how it looks to me, seems you have much to still live for.

For me the choice to ctb has to be a 100percent committed feeling when all else is exhausted or the pain of living each day is too much.

Try and take each day as it comes and don't beat yourself up too much, you are much better than you realise. If ctb is where you see things going then at least start to plan and the best option and prepare, you have time to take and make the best option should things end that way.

lastly try and sleep if you can, though I know when those thoughts fill your mind it's hard to rest

 

[obliviousatbest]

Maybe releasing your creative work will give you a sense of legacy for after you pass. It's incredibly cathartic to make your creative work public, especially when you've poured all your emotion into it. If you're worried about people finding it you could release it under a pseudonym with no links to your personal profiles. When I started releasing the strange things i make, there was a sense of existing in the universe, outside of my physical body and all the burdens it has. Not in a spiritual way, just that there will be fragments of the better parts of us scattered about the ether; the creative and concentrated parts of our minds we've crafted into song, poem etc. that, when released, can exist apart from the horrible brains we live in day by day and can continue to do so forever. Might help break your limbo to do something outside your comfort zone, embrace that weird inbetween yes/no state of living by a more positive-oriented action while you're still in the mindset. Wishing you peace whichever way

 

[FuneralCry]

I think if I was in that situation and a part of me wanted to live, I would focus on the things that I enjoy doing, of course I would only ctb if I was certain about my decision and I had no more doubts. It is your life, your decision, we have the right to exit this world at a time of our own choosing after all. I know it is hard being alive when you are tired and have no motivation. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[Someone123]

Lately I keep going back and forth on wanting to die and make this shit stop and wanting to live really badly. I can't bring myself to fully commit to either. I can't commit to dying because "what if it gets better" but I can't commit to fully living because "what if I mess it all up and it gets worse". I'm also practically doing the exact same thing ever single damn day and I'm losing it. My head goes so fast thinking about how I don't know what to do that it's dizzying.

I'm stuck in limbo. I even have things I want to do right now, like creative stuff I want to put out, and it's very personal to me and I want to share it but I'm too scared of people calling it emo/fake deep/stupid. I'm scared that the people I'm just starting to meet and possibly befriend will see it and get weirded out. I don't want to make things worse on myself, but will it really matter? Like, that wouldn't matter if I died, right? Ugh...

Can't decide to live, can't decide to die, can't really do much at all, what do y'all think? I've exhausted a lot of options and at this point idk what I need. Maybe I just need to get it out here, or get some sleep since it's 4AM.

If you're struggling like this then it's worth it to try to find ways to make your life better, but it can be comforting to know that if things don't work out the option to leave does exist. Still the focus should be on making your life worth living. As a person who has done some artistic thinns I can relate the this. I would focus on connecting with people in ways like have a meal together,, talking, and laughing and if someone is open to it some you can share difficult thijngs too, but try to not share too much of this right away and scare people off. I used to share a lot of my poems with people, and they did like them, but I still look back on it as that I did this too much- it's still an indirect way of conneting with people rather than the more direct ways of just spending time together and developing a connection. I would test the waters with certain people to see if they might like your type of art before sharing it because negative feedback could be bad for you- try toi save it for people who are likely to appreciate it. Just some thoughts that might help, use any that may help and discard any that really don't seem helpful to you- it's just my two cents worth.