smallcow4rd
youthinkyouknowme
- Dec 20, 2025
- 8
So, I attempted yesterday, partial suspension.
failed, could feel how my ears ringed and my surroundings blacked out a bit, but the rope was too long, i sank on my knees and I was still conscious.
before that, I called the hotline, the woman at the other side of the line sounded incredibly uninterested at first, eventually she turned warmer in her way of speaking, her tone was still dismissive.
after I tried, I couldnt hold it anymore and told my two close online friends, right before all of that I was spiraling on twitter, I was poking the bear waiting to get mauled and I kinda got it, fairly big account got mad at me and I felt a rush of euphoria and desesperation, thats why I tried.
I got convinced that I could ask for help to my parents, my father specifically.
great mistake. told him how shit I felt, that I tried to ctb and just needed help and comprehension. In short, he told me how theres people going through worse, that my brother got it harder and how he had way more reasons to do it than me, and that it would be evil of me to do it, because it would hurt HIM. He said I got prohibited to harm myself.
He told me he loved me dearly...but I think he loves himself more.
it devastated by this words, even if he pulled me out of my room and buyed me ice cream, even if i laugh at his jokes, even if im smiling all day feeling hopeful.
Is it really worth it? doomscrolling keeps me aware that the world its a fucking mess, everyone is an asshole. I tried to make things right with the person behind the mildly big account but...not even their close friend will talk to me, I just wanted to Apologize but apparently I cant do it.
Im asking my mother for help, hopefully she will try to understand.
I love my friends, I want to live, I want to be happy, I want to keep being a good person even if I dont feel like one, I try to be kind and happy but I simply need help, I need help to keep living. I want to but its so hard.
I want to be happy and I want to love myself, why is it so hard, why I have to force myself to stay, I love life but humans are scum.
I felt euphoria and love for live today, but now, after getting on socials I just keep remembering that we are screwed, and we will get worse.
But I have to live because I want to live, but im also tired and im scared that no one will help me.
I want to dissapear, but I want to keep having fun.
Im in a limbo, I wish dying was easy, and I wish breathing wasnt so hard.
(Sorry if this is a mess.)
failed, could feel how my ears ringed and my surroundings blacked out a bit, but the rope was too long, i sank on my knees and I was still conscious.
before that, I called the hotline, the woman at the other side of the line sounded incredibly uninterested at first, eventually she turned warmer in her way of speaking, her tone was still dismissive.
after I tried, I couldnt hold it anymore and told my two close online friends, right before all of that I was spiraling on twitter, I was poking the bear waiting to get mauled and I kinda got it, fairly big account got mad at me and I felt a rush of euphoria and desesperation, thats why I tried.
I got convinced that I could ask for help to my parents, my father specifically.
great mistake. told him how shit I felt, that I tried to ctb and just needed help and comprehension. In short, he told me how theres people going through worse, that my brother got it harder and how he had way more reasons to do it than me, and that it would be evil of me to do it, because it would hurt HIM. He said I got prohibited to harm myself.
He told me he loved me dearly...but I think he loves himself more.
it devastated by this words, even if he pulled me out of my room and buyed me ice cream, even if i laugh at his jokes, even if im smiling all day feeling hopeful.
Is it really worth it? doomscrolling keeps me aware that the world its a fucking mess, everyone is an asshole. I tried to make things right with the person behind the mildly big account but...not even their close friend will talk to me, I just wanted to Apologize but apparently I cant do it.
Im asking my mother for help, hopefully she will try to understand.
I love my friends, I want to live, I want to be happy, I want to keep being a good person even if I dont feel like one, I try to be kind and happy but I simply need help, I need help to keep living. I want to but its so hard.
I want to be happy and I want to love myself, why is it so hard, why I have to force myself to stay, I love life but humans are scum.
I felt euphoria and love for live today, but now, after getting on socials I just keep remembering that we are screwed, and we will get worse.
But I have to live because I want to live, but im also tired and im scared that no one will help me.
I want to dissapear, but I want to keep having fun.
Im in a limbo, I wish dying was easy, and I wish breathing wasnt so hard.
(Sorry if this is a mess.)
