Light at the end of the tunnel

[Its time its time]

Hi guys

Just wanted to share my story. It has been a roller coaster 2 weeks.
I had opened this account few days ago in the hope of finding ways to CTB. Funny how sometimes life takes a change; my account only got approved today, the day which I have decided to finally put my life back on track. For my sake and especially the sake of the people that love me.

BACKGROUND:

Over the past 3 years, I have fucked up my life badly - financially. I was in a comfortable position that most normal people would envy. However 3 years of bad financial management and lies towards my loved ones just crashed on me 2 weeks back. I had reached the finish line, where I could no longer cover up any longer. Not only had I cheated loved ones, I also got myself stuck in a God forsaken country that would not let me leave without paying back my bank loan.

Feeling depressed (someone in my family took his own life so there is a history of depression), I decided to take the easy way out. By killing myself I would have made my problems vanish and my bank loan would have been covered by the insurance. So all strings attached.

I took to Google to find ways to CTB. After 2 weeks of intense research, I then narrowed down to a few options...
What I knew is that nothing is certain when it comes to CTB. People have survived falling from 84 stories, jumping from the golden bridge, survived car crashes at 200 km/h without a scratch... and my last worry would have been to survive an attempt and become a burdened vegetable to my loved ones. So I narrowed down to a few options which were supposedly supposed to be; 1) Easily attained in my country 2) Less painful 3) Quick

CATCHING THE BUS:

Methods that I decided not/could not explore:
Cutting of wrists: According to many, this is one of the most painful and least successful methods to attempt. I'm already scared of needles, imagine having to cut deep enough to reach the bone.. impossible for me.
Liquids/poisons/drugs: Living in a country where the death penalty exists for drugs.. forget it.
Gases: I tired to source for helium and nitrogen. Helium is bloody expensive! And most companies don't sell pure helium. Most of the party shops mix helium with oxygen. Nitrogen - was unable to find a provider.
Firearms: Impossible to get a gun in this country

Methods that I tried:
Plastic bag over head: Trust me. Don't try it. You must have balls of steel to let yourself suffocate to death without intervening. I tried it few times - but each time I ended up ripping open the plastic bag to breathe.
Drowning: Trust me again. Worse than the plastic over head method. Apart from being dropped in the middle of the sea to eventually drown, I found it impossible to do so myself. I tried in the bathtub and by swimming into the open sea. However, each time my SI kicked in and prevented me from carrying out this method. Also, it is reported that drowning is bloody painful - breathing in water into the lungs feels like swallowing fire.
Hanging: Tried both partial and full. I tried to hang myself at least a 100 times partially but I just could not find the right method to knock myself out. I tried different kinds of ropes, different doors/wardrobes/supports/knots... nothing worked. And for full - I was unable to find a structure that would support my weight.
Carbon Monoxide: Having read that it was the least painful and easiest method to carry out- that became my preferred method. As it is almost impossible to gas yourself with newer generation cars, I had to use the charcoal method.
1st try: As I lighted my BBQ on the balcony, it started to rain. To summarize, I ended smoking my whole bloody room. Not to arise any attention from my flatmates, I stopped and decided to do it in the car instead.
2nd try: I went to the supermarket and bought all the supplies for a BBQ. Drove my car to the beach with a beautiful view of the sea. Outside my car, I started my BBQ and when the charcoal was red hot, had it transferred into the car. It was 2pm and the temperature outside was 30 degrees. I forgot to take into account that the simmering charcoal easily added 10+ more degrees in the car. So at 40 degrees in the car, it felt like a bloody sauna. After 5 minutes, I decided to abandon this try.
3rd try: I came back to the same spot at night. Was about 24 degrees outside, so with the charcoal inside the car, it was at a bearable temperature.
5 minutes... nothing
10 minutes... nothing
15 minutes... Still felt nothing
20 minutes.. bloody hell - even after taking sleepy medication I was wide awake (guess my SI kicked in)
Mind you, people say that carbon monoxide is odorless. Yes it is odorless in it's pure form. But coming from charcoal, it still emits a strong pungent smell. After 20 minutes of this strong smell, I decided that I could not carry any longer. I suffered side effects from the smell for the next few days (shortness of breath, feeling like vomiting, pain in the chest area, ect). Even today, I feel chest pain.
4th try: I got desperate. At night again, I followed my 3rd try attempt and bought a different kind of charcoal. However, this time after just 5 minutes of being in the car, I could not take the smell any longer. I guess my body was still affected from my 3rd attempt.. so my resistance was much lower.
Jumping: Lots of tall buildings in the city - only problem was having free access to the roof or a window to jump from.
1st try: Found a 15 story building under construction. Climbed to the top floor and stood by the ledge. I just could not find the will power to throw myself over. I just could not over-right my stubborn SI.
2nd try: Checked myself into a hotel which I had stayed in earlier. I could have thrown myself 10 floors down within the hotel and crash into the lobby. I told myself that 3pm was D-hour.
3pm.. ok told myself 5 more minutes..
3.05pm became 3.15pm which became 4pm. It was a constant tug of war against my SI.. eventually minute after minute of delaying, finally at 7pm I was standing in front of the railing on the 10th floor. To jump, I had to climb over the railing and stand on a small ledge. From there I could kick myself off, head first (to minimize chances of surviving). As I was about to climb the railing.. I saw a small child running around on the ground floor. So I delayed my attempt. Finally the kid had cleared, but again as I was about to climb over the bloody railing, a group of maintenance workers exited the lift to carry out some lighting works along the corridor.
Car crash: After having failed to carryout my jumping method. I explored the possibility of causing my own car crash by driving straight into a pole or wall. I drove around the city but could not find a suitable place that was perfect. I ended up driving in circles...

RECOVERY:
I finally broke down. I wanted to kill myself but could not. That was bloody frustrating.
I decided to man up and face my problems head on instead. I spoke to my loved ones and revealed what had been happening.
That's is when I realized that family is thicker than blood. I realized that if I had taken the easy way out - I would have caused long term harm to my loved ones.
It has been a tough 2 days. Confronting my loved ones and trying to piece back the puzzle. Now it is up to me to make up for the mess that I've created over the years. Yes it will take time, but step by step I must get there.
Once I leave this God forsaken country, somewhere next week, I will then find a job to slowly repay the loved ones that bailed out my banking loan.
Also, I will set an appointment with a shrink to learn how to control my depressive bolts.

Moral of the story:
There is no easy method to CTB, unless you are dead bent on doing so. Many of us in this forum are sitting on the fence. Driven by bolts of emotions or self pity.
My advise is that if you are planning to CTB, take a step back and think logically. Think of the years of impact that your loved ones will have to endure.
If there is a way out - no matter how hard it is or embarrassing - take it.
And if all comes to shit - then catch your last ride.

 

[Superfluous]

Always nice to hear a positive story. Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best for the future.

 

[toomuchgrief]

Hi there, Hugs to you and your story. I agreed 100% of what you said above.
You seem like a very logical, say it as it is, and no bull-shit type of person. Therefore I would like to ask you serious advice on this, in my situation. Please if you were in my case, which method would you chose.

Background: I have ZERO immediate family members left, so my death won't effect anyone.
I was raised by a single mother, my mother died young and I was raised by my grandma. My grandma died too. So basically I lost both my mother and my grandma.

I live for my toddler son, but my son die earlier this year. If the death of my mom wasn't enough now I have to grief the death of my own baby. My son died when he just toddler age, before he turn 2.

After the death of my son, I begin to get severely depress. I'm tired of have to live with grief and cry my eyes out everyday from grief. Plus I have nothing left to live for. I really want to end my life.

I live in the U.S., so access to firearm I can do. I keep thinking of this shotgun blow my head out. But I never hold a gun before in my life and I'm scare if I flinch and instead of it to through my skull, it brush on the side of my head and not kill me but leave me facial deform.
I keep thinking of this gun below, you think it a fast way to go?

My other method is I really want to plunge 2,000 feet to my death. This seem to be a safer bet because I don't have to worry about flinch the gun, I can just throw myself off and let gravity do it work.
At 2,000 feet, it should be high enough to give me head injuries and/or yank my heart out from the impact. And I know I be going at terminal velocity speed, since terminal velocity only required 1,500 feet.

So if I plunge down from where I draw the red box here. That should send me straight down. It should result in death right? Due to the height.
If you were me, which one would you chose above? A gun would be quicker for me (I can get it right at my state in US), because jump this bridge, I need to travel.
But travel no problem, I have money to do so. I just don't know which method would be "best" for me to make sure I will end up dead.
Bridge, let gravity do it work. Gun, I better da-mn sure I won't flinch.

 

[Its time its time]

Hi there, Hugs to you and your story. I agreed 100% of what you said above.
You seem like a very logical, say it as it is, and no bull-shit type of person. Therefore I would like to ask you serious advice on this, in my situation. Please if you were in my case, which method would you chose.

Background: I have ZERO immediate family members left, so my death won't effect anyone.
I was raised by a single mother, my mother died young and I was raised by my grandma. My grandma died too. So basically I lost both my mother and my grandma.

I live for my toddler son, but my son die earlier this year. If the death of my mom wasn't enough now I have to grief the death of my own baby. My son died when he just toddler age, before he turn 2.

After the death of my son, I begin to get severely depress. I'm tired of have to live with grief and cry my eyes out everyday from grief. Plus I have nothing left to live for. I really want to end my life.

I live in the U.S., so access to firearm I can do. I keep thinking of this shotgun blow my head out. But I never hold a gun before in my life and I'm scare if I flinch and instead of it to through my skull, it brush on the side of my head and not kill me but leave me facial deform.
I keep thinking of this gun below, you think it a fast way to go?

My other method is I really want to plunge 2,000 feet to my death. This seem to be a safer bet because I don't have to worry about flinch the gun, I can just throw myself off and let gravity do it work.
At 2,000 feet, it should be high enough to give me head injuries and/or yank my heart out from the impact. And I know I be going at terminal velocity speed, since terminal velocity only required 1,500 feet.

So if I plunge down from where I draw the red box here. That should send me straight down. It should result in death right? Due to the height.
If you were me, which one would you chose above? A gun would be quicker for me (I can get it right at my state in US), because jump this bridge, I need to travel.
But travel no problem, I have money to do so. I just don't know which method would be "best" for me to make sure I will end up dead.
Bridge, let gravity do it work. Gun, I better da-mn sure I won't flinch.

Hey too muchgrief. Thanks, cheers :)
I can't imagine how torn you must feel every day. I 100% respect your decision and if you have made up your mind, I can only wish you all the courage and peace to carry it out successfully. But please be 100% sure before you go through with it, even if you have a glimmer of doubt or that fleating thought of not going through - please reconsider and ask yourself why. Sometimes even in the darkest of places, light shines through.

You seem to have narrowed down to 2 methods. I can share with you my thoughts because I've handled weapons and I've tried to jump before.

1) shotgun. If you haven't held or fired a shotgun before, I'd strongly suggest you to do so a few times before considering this method. The recoil of a shotgun is major, and like you mentioned a small flinch could be the major difference between death and surviving disfigured. Also you need to choose the right type of shell and weapon calibre. It's one of the most lethal, painless and quicker methods, when done properly. Takes practise though.

2) jumping. The higher up the higher the chances. The bridge you've chosen seems idle. Having said that, some people have survived jumping the golden gate. The difficult part about jumping is overcoming your Survival Instinct. And trust me sometimes it can be a real bitch no matter how determined or motivated you are to jump. Everybody reacts differently. I'd suggest do a dry run before you choose this method. Find a tall building with a ledge on stand on the ledge, look downwards and test yourself mentally. If you feel comfortable with this method, then take the long voyage to the chosen place to jump. Also you got to do your research - some bridges are fenced up or have anti suicide measures. So choosing the right bridge/building is also part of this method.

If money ain't an issue, I'd suggest to travel around. Leave the States, go to Asia or some other countries. Sometimes a change of environment and setting could do you some good. It might solidify your decision to end it, and you might find a beautiful place to do it... or you could find reason to live.

 

[toomuchgrief]

Thank you, I worry about the gun too, due to I never hold a gun before in my life.

As for the Golden Gate bridge, it not high enough, too low, it only 220 feet. Yes, from the bridge hit the water below, it only 220 feet.
That is why I chose a 2,000 feet bridge. So 10x times higher than that Golden Gate.


------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyhoo, I did test a bridge. Booked an plane ticket and flow to a bridge few states from mine, when I got there I rent a car and drive straight to the bridge. I didn't even think, I just want to get the job done, so I went straight to the middle of the bridge (bridge build needs stability, so the middle is the highest height down), I climb the railing, look straight down and was about to plunge. Boy, it looks HIGH when you stare at it down. This bridge it 656 feet (so 3x times higher than the Golden Gate).

This bridge it in the middle of no where, it not a tourist bridge so you won't be seeing alot of people walk on there, and there No security around.
When I was there, there was no one on the bridge, and I only see few cars drove by.
Since it in the middle of no where, there coyote there, I saw one across from the bridge. I'm sure there more coyote (perhaps a pack) that will come out when the sun go down.

My problem is the height, when I stare down, I got chicken out, I broke the first rule of jumping is I look straight out, 656 feet, it looks HIGH. Yeah, it doesn't look high in the pic, but when you actually there in person look down, it looks HIGH!!. My legs start trembling.

I don't know what to do, if 656 feet is high to me, I don't know how can I plunge a 2,000 feet bridge. So I need more practice. However I do wear contact lens (I'm nearsighted), so if I took off my contact lens and then climb I would be able to plunge down, due to without my contact lens my vision everything look blurry. And if I can't see the bottom below then I won't be scare of height anymore.

Since it in the middle of no where, easy for me to jump. And assume even I don't die at 656 feet below, then those coyote pack will smell my blood and come out to eat me anyways. I just hope 656 feet is high enough.

So how do you get over the fear of height?

So from your advice, I'm guessing you say go with the shotgun? That mean I need to take shotgun classes first right? I'm worry about the recoil too.
I hold that shotgun at the gun shop before when I went looking, it weight 7 lbs and that is without ammo. It kindda heavy, plus the fire of the ammo and recoil, I don't know if it going to cause me to flinch or not.

 

[Santiago]

With all due respect, I feel like you are kind of undermining OP their thread by trying to discuss your methods. Not really what this section is for either.

 

[Its time its time]

I wouldn't personally suggest either method to be honest. I was thinking of the pros and cons of both methods. Ultimately, I think end of the day it really boils down to which method you are more comfortable with.

What I suggest is to get out of your current environment first -espcially if you have the financial means. Take a trip and evaluate your next move.

 

[Hank]

damn, sorry i have to laugh at the plethora of methods you tried to kill yourself. I've only tried it once, 20 years ago, with my car. result, my car was a total loss, i did not had a scratch, even though i did not wear safety belts.

I am glad that that you've changed and found the courage and energy to man up. One step at a time dude. I wish you the best!

 

[ValideSultana]

Hi guys

Just wanted to share my story. It has been a roller coaster 2 weeks.
I had opened this account few days ago in the hope of finding ways to CTB. Funny how sometimes life takes a change; my account only got approved today, the day which I have decided to finally put my life back on track. For my sake and especially the sake of the people that love me.

BACKGROUND:

Over the past 3 years, I have fucked up my life badly - financially. I was in a comfortable position that most normal people would envy. However 3 years of bad financial management and lies towards my loved ones just crashed on me 2 weeks back. I had reached the finish line, where I could no longer cover up any longer. Not only had I cheated loved ones, I also got myself stuck in a God forsaken country that would not let me leave without paying back my bank loan.

Feeling depressed (someone in my family took his own life so there is a history of depression), I decided to take the easy way out. By killing myself I would have made my problems vanish and my bank loan would have been covered by the insurance. So all strings attached.

I took to Google to find ways to CTB. After 2 weeks of intense research, I then narrowed down to a few options...
What I knew is that nothing is certain when it comes to CTB. People have survived falling from 84 stories, jumping from the golden bridge, survived car crashes at 200 km/h without a scratch... and my last worry would have been to survive an attempt and become a burdened vegetable to my loved ones. So I narrowed down to a few options which were supposedly supposed to be; 1) Easily attained in my country 2) Less painful 3) Quick

CATCHING THE BUS:

Methods that I decided not/could not explore:
Cutting of wrists: According to many, this is one of the most painful and least successful methods to attempt. I'm already scared of needles, imagine having to cut deep enough to reach the bone.. impossible for me.
Liquids/poisons/drugs: Living in a country where the death penalty exists for drugs.. forget it.
Gases: I tired to source for helium and nitrogen. Helium is bloody expensive! And most companies don't sell pure helium. Most of the party shops mix helium with oxygen. Nitrogen - was unable to find a provider.
Firearms: Impossible to get a gun in this country

Methods that I tried:
Plastic bag over head: Trust me. Don't try it. You must have balls of steel to let yourself suffocate to death without intervening. I tried it few times - but each time I ended up ripping open the plastic bag to breathe.
Drowning: Trust me again. Worse than the plastic over head method. Apart from being dropped in the middle of the sea to eventually drown, I found it impossible to do so myself. I tried in the bathtub and by swimming into the open sea. However, each time my SI kicked in and prevented me from carrying out this method. Also, it is reported that drowning is bloody painful - breathing in water into the lungs feels like swallowing fire.
Hanging: Tried both partial and full. I tried to hang myself at least a 100 times partially but I just could not find the right method to knock myself out. I tried different kinds of ropes, different doors/wardrobes/supports/knots... nothing worked. And for full - I was unable to find a structure that would support my weight.
Carbon Monoxide: Having read that it was the least painful and easiest method to carry out- that became my preferred method. As it is almost impossible to gas yourself with newer generation cars, I had to use the charcoal method.
1st try: As I lighted my BBQ on the balcony, it started to rain. To summarize, I ended smoking my whole bloody room. Not to arise any attention from my flatmates, I stopped and decided to do it in the car instead.
2nd try: I went to the supermarket and bought all the supplies for a BBQ. Drove my car to the beach with a beautiful view of the sea. Outside my car, I started my BBQ and when the charcoal was red hot, had it transferred into the car. It was 2pm and the temperature outside was 30 degrees. I forgot to take into account that the simmering charcoal easily added 10+ more degrees in the car. So at 40 degrees in the car, it felt like a bloody sauna. After 5 minutes, I decided to abandon this try.
3rd try: I came back to the same spot at night. Was about 24 degrees outside, so with the charcoal inside the car, it was at a bearable temperature.
5 minutes... nothing
10 minutes... nothing
15 minutes... Still felt nothing
20 minutes.. bloody hell - even after taking sleepy medication I was wide awake (guess my SI kicked in)
Mind you, people say that carbon monoxide is odorless. Yes it is odorless in it's pure form. But coming from charcoal, it still emits a strong pungent smell. After 20 minutes of this strong smell, I decided that I could not carry any longer. I suffered side effects from the smell for the next few days (shortness of breath, feeling like vomiting, pain in the chest area, ect). Even today, I feel chest pain.
4th try: I got desperate. At night again, I followed my 3rd try attempt and bought a different kind of charcoal. However, this time after just 5 minutes of being in the car, I could not take the smell any longer. I guess my body was still affected from my 3rd attempt.. so my resistance was much lower.
Jumping: Lots of tall buildings in the city - only problem was having free access to the roof or a window to jump from.
1st try: Found a 15 story building under construction. Climbed to the top floor and stood by the ledge. I just could not find the will power to throw myself over. I just could not over-right my stubborn SI.
2nd try: Checked myself into a hotel which I had stayed in earlier. I could have thrown myself 10 floors down within the hotel and crash into the lobby. I told myself that 3pm was D-hour.
3pm.. ok told myself 5 more minutes..
3.05pm became 3.15pm which became 4pm. It was a constant tug of war against my SI.. eventually minute after minute of delaying, finally at 7pm I was standing in front of the railing on the 10th floor. To jump, I had to climb over the railing and stand on a small ledge. From there I could kick myself off, head first (to minimize chances of surviving). As I was about to climb the railing.. I saw a small child running around on the ground floor. So I delayed my attempt. Finally the kid had cleared, but again as I was about to climb over the bloody railing, a group of maintenance workers exited the lift to carry out some lighting works along the corridor.
Car crash: After having failed to carryout my jumping method. I explored the possibility of causing my own car crash by driving straight into a pole or wall. I drove around the city but could not find a suitable place that was perfect. I ended up driving in circles...

RECOVERY:
I finally broke down. I wanted to kill myself but could not. That was bloody frustrating.
I decided to man up and face my problems head on instead. I spoke to my loved ones and revealed what had been happening.
That's is when I realized that family is thicker than blood. I realized that if I had taken the easy way out - I would have caused long term harm to my loved ones.
It has been a tough 2 days. Confronting my loved ones and trying to piece back the puzzle. Now it is up to me to make up for the mess that I've created over the years. Yes it will take time, but step by step I must get there.
Once I leave this God forsaken country, somewhere next week, I will then find a job to slowly repay the loved ones that bailed out my banking loan.
Also, I will set an appointment with a shrink to learn how to control my depressive bolts.

Moral of the story:
There is no easy method to CTB, unless you are dead bent on doing so. Many of us in this forum are sitting on the fence. Driven by bolts of emotions or self pity.
My advise is that if you are planning to CTB, take a step back and think logically. Think of the years of impact that your loved ones will have to endure.
If there is a way out - no matter how hard it is or embarrassing - take it.
And if all comes to shit - then catch your last ride.

Wow, that's some story. Glad things are working out for you. Best of luck in the future.