My suicidality has been steadily increasing since adolescence. I think when you're dealing with these thoughts, this "wanting everything to be over," this mindset doesn't lend itself to success. So I did poorly in school, got into college (somehow), did poorly there, and am now faced with the reality of low-wage, uninteresting labor for the foreseeable future. I simply cannot cope or deal with this fact. Things would have been different, I think, if I got help earlier, but the situation is too fucked now for me to solve it.
I don't want to live out the life ahead of me, and should not have to if that is my choice.