Hi everyone, hope you're doing as well as you can. Sorry if anyone was waiting about updates from me.
My absence came from the fact that I made peace with the fact that I was going to ctb. While I didn't choose an exact date, I was slowly but surely amassing the materials needed for my method, and distancing myself from my own life, which led to me also ignoring this site. I stopped going to therapy, because it obviously wasn't helping me, so there was no point in continuing to take up resources. Somehow, I still did my schoolwork, because I guess it was the only thing still going on well for me. To quote a mitski song, "I am relieved that I left my room tidy, they'll think kindly of me when they come for my things". A lot of new things actually happened during that time; I'm almost done with my nursing clinical at the hospital, and while I was hoping that it would be a breakthrough for me, the Universe didn't change its way: it was not good, not bad, just ok. Just another formality. Just going through the motion. Nothing holding me on to life anymore.
And then the Universe did its thing.
In the weekend leading to what I hoped would be my final week, my best friend invited me to a brunch at her house. Nothing extraordinary, it actually left me even more desperate to see her and her family going through life easily. But I can't deny that it felt good to have someone think about me. I left her that day, hugging her knowing it would probably be the last time. Somehow it felt like every other hug we've given eachother, warm, reassuring, comfortable, not like a Goodbye, then she left for work and got on with her little life. I went on with my little life as well and got in my bed and planned how I was going to end my little life while doing homework that would contribute to me graduating towards a little job that I would never have in my life that would have been too little, ended a little too soon. But then another dear friend, whom I hadn't heard of in weeks, told me she would be attending the same college as me next year. The Universe rearranged itself a little. I told her I would be glad to give her a tour around. For a few moments I stopped planning my death, but in a wise moment I reminded myself of why I was doing that in the first place. In my first year of college, I had no one to show me around. Life did not get better after that. Yet, I am still alive at this point. She will get through as well. Then another friend texted me, saying we should study for our upcoming tests, and I agreed. She mentioned, in between study questions, that she would help me fill my forms for applying to the hospital (aka, where I would like to work). We ended up not doing it but it gave me hope for this brief moment, somehow. The Universe shifted. And last Tuesday, while I was preparing to leave for one of my last clinical, I got a call from a pharmacy I had applied to in August. I didn't even remember giving them my CV, but the pharmacist offered me a job interview last Thursday, and I thought it wouldn't change much in my little life to go. It went well, and I got in my bed that night praying to the Universe to just give me a break and forget about me. The Universe did not listen because the pharmacist called me this morning, and told me I got the job. I can't lie and say it doesn't feel good, because I know just how many people are longing for an opportunity like that, and for a long time I was hoping for a job so that I could turn my life around. But I was hoping that I could finally let go of life, I was sure that I was at the point where I had nothing. But life works in mysterious ways and it does What It Wants and while in no way that stops me from ctb, or having suicidal thoughts, I now feel like the Universe does not want to let me go. I want to give the Universe a big Fuck You and go ahead and kill myself already for fucking up my plans. I thought I was ready to go, and I am actually still planning my death at the moment, but Life Works In Mysterious Ways and it is working to keep me around a bit longer.
Hope the Holidays treat you all well.
My absence came from the fact that I made peace with the fact that I was going to ctb. While I didn't choose an exact date, I was slowly but surely amassing the materials needed for my method, and distancing myself from my own life, which led to me also ignoring this site. I stopped going to therapy, because it obviously wasn't helping me, so there was no point in continuing to take up resources. Somehow, I still did my schoolwork, because I guess it was the only thing still going on well for me. To quote a mitski song, "I am relieved that I left my room tidy, they'll think kindly of me when they come for my things". A lot of new things actually happened during that time; I'm almost done with my nursing clinical at the hospital, and while I was hoping that it would be a breakthrough for me, the Universe didn't change its way: it was not good, not bad, just ok. Just another formality. Just going through the motion. Nothing holding me on to life anymore.
And then the Universe did its thing.
In the weekend leading to what I hoped would be my final week, my best friend invited me to a brunch at her house. Nothing extraordinary, it actually left me even more desperate to see her and her family going through life easily. But I can't deny that it felt good to have someone think about me. I left her that day, hugging her knowing it would probably be the last time. Somehow it felt like every other hug we've given eachother, warm, reassuring, comfortable, not like a Goodbye, then she left for work and got on with her little life. I went on with my little life as well and got in my bed and planned how I was going to end my little life while doing homework that would contribute to me graduating towards a little job that I would never have in my life that would have been too little, ended a little too soon. But then another dear friend, whom I hadn't heard of in weeks, told me she would be attending the same college as me next year. The Universe rearranged itself a little. I told her I would be glad to give her a tour around. For a few moments I stopped planning my death, but in a wise moment I reminded myself of why I was doing that in the first place. In my first year of college, I had no one to show me around. Life did not get better after that. Yet, I am still alive at this point. She will get through as well. Then another friend texted me, saying we should study for our upcoming tests, and I agreed. She mentioned, in between study questions, that she would help me fill my forms for applying to the hospital (aka, where I would like to work). We ended up not doing it but it gave me hope for this brief moment, somehow. The Universe shifted. And last Tuesday, while I was preparing to leave for one of my last clinical, I got a call from a pharmacy I had applied to in August. I didn't even remember giving them my CV, but the pharmacist offered me a job interview last Thursday, and I thought it wouldn't change much in my little life to go. It went well, and I got in my bed that night praying to the Universe to just give me a break and forget about me. The Universe did not listen because the pharmacist called me this morning, and told me I got the job. I can't lie and say it doesn't feel good, because I know just how many people are longing for an opportunity like that, and for a long time I was hoping for a job so that I could turn my life around. But I was hoping that I could finally let go of life, I was sure that I was at the point where I had nothing. But life works in mysterious ways and it does What It Wants and while in no way that stops me from ctb, or having suicidal thoughts, I now feel like the Universe does not want to let me go. I want to give the Universe a big Fuck You and go ahead and kill myself already for fucking up my plans. I thought I was ready to go, and I am actually still planning my death at the moment, but Life Works In Mysterious Ways and it is working to keep me around a bit longer.
Hope the Holidays treat you all well.
