Life was never for me

[FireFox]

I really wanted to live and be happy God knows I tried and I just can't do it anymore. Life just is not for me growing up I always struggled to belong and fit in. I am 27 and suffered depression since I was 21, anoxeria since 23 and I can't do it anymore. Everyday I feel like I don't belong here in this world, I looked at how people are managing to hold a job, be successful with finding a partner and doing all these amazing things with thier lives while nothing ever works out for me no matter how hard I try.

My life was at an all time high in 2022 and for the first time I was looking forward to the future and no longer suicidal. I was 25 my life was beautifully coming together.

In Autumn I had the most amazing time in Venice then weeks later I gave my strongest ever interview performance when I came back to the UK. I got the job. The salary was great it was an increase from my last job.

I fell in love with an older man in his 50s because he just made me feel so special and it was great finally having a man see me while guys my own age ignored me and all my life I have been that girl now woman who never gets picked and always ignored and overlooked. Winter it was snowing in my city and across the UK. During my lunch break I took a stroll in the snow and it was so magical because my life was finally coming together and I was looking forward to the future. For the first time I wanted to live.Christmas seasn I brought so many gifts for my family household with my work salary. The living room was full of presents I brought my family.

Then in 2023 it all came crashing down rapidly. I went from having the best year of my life to the worst year ever. January was stuck overseas being forced to see my relatives who dont even care about me and that month overseas was pure hell. The man Ioved who I wanted a future with kept messing with my head with his lying and mind games. He messed me up so badly. February I got fired. April my eating disorder gets discovered. The only good thing I had was getting into a masters programme and The last minute I was forced to defer my place which now I am going to lose this year.

Growing up the signs were just there that I was too different. My family are from a different culture (African) whatever problems I had as a teenager living in the UK my mum and grandmother couldn't relete and didn't know how best to help me. When I had mental health issues as a teenager and my mum didn't want me getting therapy and was even annoyed at me for self harming and having anxiety and depression. My extended family of relatives were gossiping and finding hilarious my mental health problems. Biologically I share the same DNA as my relatives but emotionally and spiritually my soul is not with these relatives. The way my relatives behave and use everybody I always felt like I was never part of the family.

I have no friends in real life and never really had a stable collection of friends. Throughout secondary school I experienced my white friends excluding me at times from the girl group we were in and the group also had a white Polish boy. The girl group had 4 white girls.One Time on a school trip to Paris one of the friends in the group was disabled and she couldn't sit upstairs in the restaurant the teachers had booked for lunch. She had to sit downstairs.

The school allowed for her to sit downstairs with a teacher and her friends. When I went downstairs to sit with the girl one of the girls in the group said "it's fine" and I can sit up stairs. She walked away. Downstairs was the disabled girl and the other 4 white girls in the group. I was made to sit upstairs with other people on the school trip. I have had different friendship groups throughout school and periods of having no friends.

In adulthood I did have friends at university 1 close friend avoided me when I told her I was suicidal and the others we drifted apart after graduating. Since then I had no real friends its hard to make friends as an adult.

The pandemic has made me fear being alone even more. I crave belonging and being loved by a man. I will never find love and happiness in this world. I realise that now. If none of the events didn't happen to me last year I wouldn't be making all these plans to kill myself.

 

[Berlin]

My family are from a different culture

Same - Indian culture. Fucking losers the lot of them. I am also in the UK and bullied them by always speaking in english out of spite. Weirdly it worked and not they avoid pissing me off. It's mentally exhausting dealing with them and one of the main reasons I am on this site.

Biologically I share the same DNA as my relatives but emotionally and spiritually my soul is not with these relatives. The way my relatives behave and use everybody I always felt like I was never part of the family.

Perfectly put. I wish i didn't share the DNA sometimes too. Or go back in time and let them know coming to a white majority county to work low wage jobs was a dumb decision on their part.

I hope your situation gets better but I really understand - only brown kid in my school. Happy to chat if you need advice as I know how to get good jobs easily. Someone owed me money once so I had to find them a job and learned a lot in that process.

And you are not wrong to feel like this - Once in school I asked to sit with a group of older white kids and they all got up and left as I sat. Just started a job in London and honestly it feels like more of the same but as an adult. Only brown guy in my company. I feel like moving to London was a huge mistake - no one gives a shit about you and they don't even hide it. Never been part of a community and at this point I am giving up and just going out once a week to entertain myself. Even one friend to joke around with could be enough but even that is too difficult to find in London apparently.