This is just a personal vent about my life, apologies if that isn't allowed. I don't have anybody in my life, so I'm just here to scream into the void until I'm finally ready.
I've grown up always knowing that I wasn't going to make it too far. Classic sob story, born to an abusive single mother then placed with my grandmother where one of her sons proceeded to sexually abuse me until I sent him to jail (which resulted in me being exiled from the family. My CFS cheques were used so he could eat lavishly in prison+have a TV and other fun amenities in his cell while we had no food or water.) My first attempt that resulted in requiring hospitalization happened when I was 13. Tylenol overdose, obviously not successful. I just had consistent bad luck growing up. Around the age of 18 things temporarily looked up for me. I went from failing every class k-11, to being able to grind out all my credits within a year and a half. Sadly, I couldn't graduate with my class as a single credit wasn't "processed" properly resulting in me not qualifying to do anything with my class. That was a pretty major hit as I was the first person who was going to be graduating from my biological family, with decent grades on top of that, and yet, I couldn't walk or attend any of the festivities. All good.
I got accepted in university against all odds. I inherited money due to my mothers suicide and biological grandmother and great grandmother passing, so I proceeded to use that in the hopes of bettering my life. I moved out from my grandmothers home where I was consistently treated poorly, belittled, and having my belongings stolen and destroyed (the uncle who abused me had a daughter with a random white trash whore in the hopes of being able to skip prison time. The entire family tried to guilt me into not testifying due to her being born. When he was sent to prison, her white trash mother wanted to party all the time so that child was ALWAYS home with us.) I got a partner. I finally had motivation for some sort of future. I tried to study social work in the hopes of using my life experience to help others, but I was told by a professor I should drop out due to not being proficient enough in the language (french). So i did just that. I then attempted fine arts, as all I wanted was to accomplish something besides the absolute bare minimum. I did well in my studies, won scholarships and bursaries from my portfolio, I got a government position. I was delusional enough to think that things would actually work out for me, that was my first mistake. I lost funding for school due to my funding being reassessed (and never actually.. reassessed..) I also had to deal with my uncle coming out of prison. On top of all of this, I was stressing over a relationship it turned out the other party was never even interested in. The only thing that was keeping me going through all the other stressors in my life was the fact that I had somebody in my life I could share everything with and they loved me no matter what. It turned out I was mistaken. I spent hundreds in gifts for this man for every holiday, he couldn't remember my birthday and wouldn't get me anything for any other holiday. One year he lied to me and told me my birthday gift was in the mail, it never came. It turned out he never ordered it and lied due to "not knowing what to do." After half a decade of sleeping with this man exclusively, and 3 years of dating (in which he never ONCE allowed me to meet his family, or anybody in his life. His family assumed he was gay and sneaking out to see a man when he was coming out to see me once a week.) Oh yeah, he would only come and see me once a week. Usually long enough to get what he wanted from me, then he was out. Never once went out on a date. He asked me out, telling me he was going to teach me about relationships.. Yeah right..
We would only communicate via Discord as he always had excuses as to why he couldn't come see me (unless convenient for him), eventually he stopped putting effort into responding to my messages. If I wouldn't start the conversation, he would go week(s) without contacting me. Yet he would accuse me of cheating on him. While he was going to other women's places and hanging out with them. I eventually cut off the relationship as I was losing my mind over how one sided it was, and he proceeded to lie to me for MONTHS about how our relationship went, before admitting that he was never "invested" but he definitely wasn't doing it just to sleep with me. We proceeded to be FWB for a solid year after that, as I had nobody else in my life. My family, no friends, no nothing. Nothing changed obviously, but I for some reason thought maybe something would change.
I'm now 24 and I've got absolutely nothing going for me. I only make enough to cover my rent, no utilities, no groceries, nothing else. I don't have a completed postsecondary education, so I'm not even considered as an option for employment. I don't have looks, I don't have intellect, I don't have anything. I don't know what prompted me to even consider getting this far in life, as I always knew I was NEVER going to succeed in a relationship, in education, or in th e workforce. I was frankly just set up to fail, and I should have accepted it. I now have so much more BS I have to deal with than I did back then. I wish I had succeeded when I was 13.
The bright side is my ex's birthday is soon, and that's when my last cheque should be coming in which is less than what my rent is. I think I'll have enough fuel to be able to CTB on his birthday. My mindset is he ruined every single birthday that I had a chance of actually being able to celebrate, so he deserves to have one ruined. I haven't quite decided if I want to write out letters to people, or just make a few videos and have those scheduled to be posted+sent the day after. To be fair though, I'm not even sure who I'd leave message(s) to as I don't have anyone in my life who'd care enough about it. I'd likely just make a video stating that I can be used for science, my belongings given to a handful of people who were alright to me or donated somewhere, and if my body isn't viable to be used for anything, then they can just mass cremate me and throw me out.
Apologies for the long winded rant, I know it's incredibly self-centered. I hope anyone who see's this has a good day, and apologies again.
I've grown up always knowing that I wasn't going to make it too far. Classic sob story, born to an abusive single mother then placed with my grandmother where one of her sons proceeded to sexually abuse me until I sent him to jail (which resulted in me being exiled from the family. My CFS cheques were used so he could eat lavishly in prison+have a TV and other fun amenities in his cell while we had no food or water.) My first attempt that resulted in requiring hospitalization happened when I was 13. Tylenol overdose, obviously not successful. I just had consistent bad luck growing up. Around the age of 18 things temporarily looked up for me. I went from failing every class k-11, to being able to grind out all my credits within a year and a half. Sadly, I couldn't graduate with my class as a single credit wasn't "processed" properly resulting in me not qualifying to do anything with my class. That was a pretty major hit as I was the first person who was going to be graduating from my biological family, with decent grades on top of that, and yet, I couldn't walk or attend any of the festivities. All good.
I got accepted in university against all odds. I inherited money due to my mothers suicide and biological grandmother and great grandmother passing, so I proceeded to use that in the hopes of bettering my life. I moved out from my grandmothers home where I was consistently treated poorly, belittled, and having my belongings stolen and destroyed (the uncle who abused me had a daughter with a random white trash whore in the hopes of being able to skip prison time. The entire family tried to guilt me into not testifying due to her being born. When he was sent to prison, her white trash mother wanted to party all the time so that child was ALWAYS home with us.) I got a partner. I finally had motivation for some sort of future. I tried to study social work in the hopes of using my life experience to help others, but I was told by a professor I should drop out due to not being proficient enough in the language (french). So i did just that. I then attempted fine arts, as all I wanted was to accomplish something besides the absolute bare minimum. I did well in my studies, won scholarships and bursaries from my portfolio, I got a government position. I was delusional enough to think that things would actually work out for me, that was my first mistake. I lost funding for school due to my funding being reassessed (and never actually.. reassessed..) I also had to deal with my uncle coming out of prison. On top of all of this, I was stressing over a relationship it turned out the other party was never even interested in. The only thing that was keeping me going through all the other stressors in my life was the fact that I had somebody in my life I could share everything with and they loved me no matter what. It turned out I was mistaken. I spent hundreds in gifts for this man for every holiday, he couldn't remember my birthday and wouldn't get me anything for any other holiday. One year he lied to me and told me my birthday gift was in the mail, it never came. It turned out he never ordered it and lied due to "not knowing what to do." After half a decade of sleeping with this man exclusively, and 3 years of dating (in which he never ONCE allowed me to meet his family, or anybody in his life. His family assumed he was gay and sneaking out to see a man when he was coming out to see me once a week.) Oh yeah, he would only come and see me once a week. Usually long enough to get what he wanted from me, then he was out. Never once went out on a date. He asked me out, telling me he was going to teach me about relationships.. Yeah right..
We would only communicate via Discord as he always had excuses as to why he couldn't come see me (unless convenient for him), eventually he stopped putting effort into responding to my messages. If I wouldn't start the conversation, he would go week(s) without contacting me. Yet he would accuse me of cheating on him. While he was going to other women's places and hanging out with them. I eventually cut off the relationship as I was losing my mind over how one sided it was, and he proceeded to lie to me for MONTHS about how our relationship went, before admitting that he was never "invested" but he definitely wasn't doing it just to sleep with me. We proceeded to be FWB for a solid year after that, as I had nobody else in my life. My family, no friends, no nothing. Nothing changed obviously, but I for some reason thought maybe something would change.
I'm now 24 and I've got absolutely nothing going for me. I only make enough to cover my rent, no utilities, no groceries, nothing else. I don't have a completed postsecondary education, so I'm not even considered as an option for employment. I don't have looks, I don't have intellect, I don't have anything. I don't know what prompted me to even consider getting this far in life, as I always knew I was NEVER going to succeed in a relationship, in education, or in th e workforce. I was frankly just set up to fail, and I should have accepted it. I now have so much more BS I have to deal with than I did back then. I wish I had succeeded when I was 13.
The bright side is my ex's birthday is soon, and that's when my last cheque should be coming in which is less than what my rent is. I think I'll have enough fuel to be able to CTB on his birthday. My mindset is he ruined every single birthday that I had a chance of actually being able to celebrate, so he deserves to have one ruined. I haven't quite decided if I want to write out letters to people, or just make a few videos and have those scheduled to be posted+sent the day after. To be fair though, I'm not even sure who I'd leave message(s) to as I don't have anyone in my life who'd care enough about it. I'd likely just make a video stating that I can be used for science, my belongings given to a handful of people who were alright to me or donated somewhere, and if my body isn't viable to be used for anything, then they can just mass cremate me and throw me out.
Apologies for the long winded rant, I know it's incredibly self-centered. I hope anyone who see's this has a good day, and apologies again.
