Venting life seems unlivable

[azukigirl]

first post here >_< hiiii

im reaally bad with forum spaces as i am not good at social things in general so i might say things a little weird. i've been suicidal as long as i can remember, as a kid and the horrible things that unfolded, and i dropped out of high school so i could ctb but i'm still here and it's painful. i thought i could fix my life enough to live but i'm 19 now and its been a couple of years since i dropped out to ctb. im away from my abusive childhood home but it feels equally as worse just living even if i'm not experiencing my past abuse. it's not fun being useless and incapable. i know im young but i've already set myself up to fail. i regret dropping out, but i know if i stayed i would have to continue with the torment, and i'm not capable of doing much anyways since i got diagnosed with autism too. i've been in and out of psych wards and therapy and all i've been told is that im self aware of my issues. if therapy is what most people need, i just think that then it's hopeless right now. it takes so much resources just to find a good one, but then there's different types that don't work for everyone, but it's so restricted. i'm hopeless. so many years of trying to fix me i can't take it anymore; if i had one true want it would be to just live a life but it's impossible, people only tolerate what they consider normal, everything about me, so many people have sought to break and tear down. some say so many things like, "the worst needs to happen for good things to start," "you find your own purpose" id rather just tell me you dont know. all this false hope in every aspect of anything makes me cry. affirmations make me so upset too; why am i telling myself something i dont believe like i believe it? its lying to myself to make myself feel better. i'm trying i'm genuinely trying, i'm trying the treatment so much all these years but i am scolded for questioning and not finding it helpful. i'm tired of lying to myself like i'm not irredeemable. ctb is the only way for me, unfortunately, but i know a lot of people also feel that life isn't suited for them and they also see that there's not any other way in their situation. it makes me a little sad, especially in my time in the psych ward, they were all lovely people just wronged. i wish i could give my heart out to everyone i ever met. maybe i'm thinking too depressed but people get their knowledge from their experiences..

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you'd feel so tired of being stuck in this existence, it's cruel and dreadful how people have to suffer so much. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Lostman1029]

first post here >_< hiiii

im reaally bad with forum spaces as i am not good at social things in general so i might say things a little weird. i've been suicidal as long as i can remember, as a kid and the horrible things that unfolded, and i dropped out of high school so i could ctb but i'm still here and it's painful. i thought i could fix my life enough to live but i'm 19 now and its been a couple of years since i dropped out to ctb. im away from my abusive childhood home but it feels equally as worse just living even if i'm not experiencing my past abuse. it's not fun being useless and incapable. i know im young but i've already set myself up to fail. i regret dropping out, but i know if i stayed i would have to continue with the torment, and i'm not capable of doing much anyways since i got diagnosed with autism too. i've been in and out of psych wards and therapy and all i've been told is that im self aware of my issues. if therapy is what most people need, i just think that then it's hopeless right now. it takes so much resources just to find a good one, but then there's different types that don't work for everyone, but it's so restricted. i'm hopeless. so many years of trying to fix me i can't take it anymore; if i had one true want it would be to just live a life but it's impossible, people only tolerate what they consider normal, everything about me, so many people have sought to break and tear down. some say so many things like, "the worst needs to happen for good things to start," "you find your own purpose" id rather just tell me you dont know. all this false hope in every aspect of anything makes me cry. affirmations make me so upset too; why am i telling myself something i dont believe like i believe it? its lying to myself to make myself feel better. i'm trying i'm genuinely trying, i'm trying the treatment so much all these years but i am scolded for questioning and not finding it helpful. i'm tired of lying to myself like i'm not irredeemable. ctb is the only way for me, unfortunately, but i know a lot of people also feel that life isn't suited for them and they also see that there's not any other way in their situation. it makes me a little sad, especially in my time in the psych ward, they were all lovely people just wronged. i wish i could give my heart out to everyone i ever met. maybe i'm thinking too depressed but people get their knowledge from their experiences..

You're very brave for reaching out. Congratulations on your first post! I am sorry you feel such pain. I hope you will find solace knowing you have found a place with other likeminded souls who share your pain and struggle.