Life only feels good when I think about ctb

[axxxu]

I know that many people want their ctb to be painless and fast, I want mine to be kind of slow.. to suck in life for the very last time and to finally enjoy things knowing I probably won't see them again. I barely feel anything when I realize I still am alive but when I think about ctb and how I'm going to be gone soon suddenly everything gets brighter.
I attempted many times only one time did I not feel happy when I attempted and that was because it was rushed and I knew that it was probably going to fail. When I tried hanging myself and felt the belt slowly choke me out I felt relief and no fear.
Yet there are still people who think ctb is wrong, thinking living will give me happiness but I know in my heart the only thing that will is ctb.

 

[AshClouds]

Theres this old say that goes like this:

The promise of death is the only thing keeping some people alive.