Venting life just keeps getting better! (sarcastic)

[ghostofapoet]

this was the week i decided to ctb.
it's exams, and the semester ends in a couple of days. if i go home now, i'll be trapped at home forever - both physically and in the realm of living.

my mind is constantly being thrown between thoughts of trying to salvage my future and realizing that this is pointless - it's all gone to hell. and sometimes there's this overlapping spot in the middle where i'm just so overwhelmed and frozen, where i simply don't know what to do anymore.

1) i've got to get someone to drive me to the psychologist + asking my parents for something has always been difficult, but as of late they've been in a weird stand-offish mood that's made it impossible, so i dont know how that's going to happen because the appointment is in two days.

2) a possible treatment plan is committing me to a clinic which... is terrifying to think about.

3) everytime i try to ctb, i think of (1), which in turn sparks the arrival of (2), leading me back to try and ctb as soon as i possibly can.

4) i just grow so weary and tired when i want to ctb, or write a letter and the lethargy incites such rage within me because 'why can't i just fucking write a suicide letter?' and more importantly, why can't i feel anything from the words i'm putting on this page? does this mean none of this is real, or that i'm just so far gone that i've become robotic in my actions?

i can't swim, so drowning is very possible but the dam is a walk away from here and i keep procrastinating until its too late to leave + the area is constantly surveyed which just makes it near impossible. i could throw myself from the window - but it's only four floors high, not enough to die. i could try partial suspension, but it never seems to work for me, no matter how committed i am to trying.
i'm just tired. and i can feel doom wrapping itself around my head, and a "GAME OVER" screen is being overlaid atop my vision... because it's simply that, it's game over, and there's NO way to get out of this fucking mess. it's been said so many times on this site but living really is a torturous trap. the greatest trap that's ever existed is existence itself. those who ctb successfully are escape artists.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Why would going home mean you are trapped there for the rest of your life? It sounds like you're studying in college now. Shouldn't that eventually afford you more options in life?

Do you think getting more intensive treatment would be helpful?

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is so true that existence is the most torturous trap, I envy those who manage to free themselves from the prison that is existence and I certainly find it so horrible how it's so difficult to finally leave this hellish world but the problem lies in the fact that other people wish to make us slaves to suffering. It's inhumane how we are denied a way to free ourselves in peace as it really is so tiring feeling forced to stay here, enduring an futile existence where we will only hopelessly suffer even more as time goes on.

 

[blacksand]

feel the same way, the game over screen has come up all that remains is turning off the console.

there is a point where you just know deep inside spiritually that it really is over and nothing can salvage you.

 

[Bigsmoke777]

feel the same way, the game over screen has come up all that remains is turning off the console.

there is a point where you just know deep inside spiritually that it really is over and nothing can salvage you.

I like how you worded that. I feel that. The Game Over screen has come up, all that remains is turning off the console

I like how you worded that. I feel that. The Game Over screen has come up, all that remains is turning off the console

Do you feel like you've been blackpilled too?