If someone told me life is meant to be hard in a dismissive way when I had opened up to them about my own pain rendered myself vulnerable that way. I would simply ask meant by what and who and then also why? Are some people meant to be raped by their uncle? Are some people meant to starve to death because of accident of geography of birth? Should we not care or mitigate that pain because life is simply hard? How does that justify dismissal of my own pain in this moment? If your girlfriend was stabbed to death in front of you and my dismissive response was, 'Well life is hard, people die all the time and horrible things happen because life is a harsh bastard. Could be worse at least she went quick." You would rightly think me an insensitive jerk. That is pretty much what you are doing right now. It also addresses nothing, yes life is hard. So what, how does that help me with my pain? That awareness sure as fuck does not take it away. Does nothing to fix it either. If you want to trivialize it further with, 'Well at least you are not a starving African.' Are you saying I need to be starving African before you will acknowledge my pain is meaningful enough to help me with it? Why am I even talking to you?
I also wrote this elsewhere, seems relevant enough to the topic. But I am a bitter sod ranting here for cathartic reasons, so I apologise.
There are many phrases that piss me off I call them fortune cookie phrases because that is where they belong in how disposable, empty, forgettable and far removed from reality they are. I guess it depends on the context of how it is said. A lot of this stuff though is just dismissive. Up there with being told to appreciate a rainbow. Like that will fix 18 years of chronic abuse or the assault of your own mind ripping you apart over everything you have failed at...
'Life is what you make it.'
This would only be true if we lived in a vacuum where all efforts were not impeded by external forces. But they are, there is also the subtle insinuation that it is your fault if you are not making it. As if how well you are doing solely rests on you. Sure you are an important aspect of quality of life and if you do nothing, unsurprisingly nothing happens and things will likely worsen. However, at the same time, you share your existence with other people who may well be toxic and busy unmaking you in various ways. Or destroying you because for them to make the life they want means the need for others to be casualties of lost competition. A lot of people's desires to have what they want in life are chronically suppressed or inhibited by accident of geography, genetics and social demographic. Or simply chasing a wage and keeping lights on and food on the table.
Sometimes you are just too busy surviving to make life anything and the next thing you know you have chronic arthritis and your dreams of scuba diving in the barrier reef go to die as your boss informs you they can no longer keep you on. Then your insurance denies you access to effective pain relief because of a government initiative you never voted for or have the power to change wants to keep you from being a potential junkie. The pain though makes you depressed and you can't even enjoy crotchet any more. All the while you eat into your life savings only to find your boiler just broke and you made the mistake of letting in a cowboy outfit to fix it that cause more problems and likely robbed you of your mother's jewellery. You go to the police but they have external targets to reduce knife crime not chase jewellery as the main priority, as someone prominent was fatally stabbed recently and the media lens is on their performance.
What you are often left with is a demand to change your perception of your life as if it is faulty. It is worth exploring if it is. Best to rule that out. If your doctors first response to you stating you are depressed is to throw brain altering chemicals at you and tell you to come back in two weeks. You are dealing with a moron who has failed at basics to rule out physical issues. This behaviour is becoming increasingly common as they drink coffee from paxil brand mug and only have fifteen minutes to acknowledge your existence in their busy day. But it is not all on you, to deny external forces plays a role is absurd. But that is honestly what has happened within the mental health field. Reductionist approach that reduces you to being at fault if you don't attain wellness in a timely manner. Whilst simultaneously does its damndest to distract from the meat grinder we accept as normal and the role that plays in breeding this level of pain in the first place.
You also only have to look at social mobility statistics to know what an anomaly it is to escape deprived conditions and how much more of an uphill battle it is. Not at all saying it is impossible. But I can't help but laugh at youtube videos that talk about 'easy or lazy money' or tell you, you are the only thing holding you back. It does not help you have various self-help gurus pushing this idea as if it is easy and they are the poster child of success because of a can-do attitude of just believe in yourself... It is easy though to get wealthy via selling quick fixes and hope to the desperate. My disdain magnifies tenfold when this idea is pushed into the realms of the magical. Where your thoughts apparently manifest reality! Guess that person raped by their uncle just did not have enough positive vibes put out into the universe that day...
Life is also what others make it and what landmines they leave behind that may already have been stepped on or need to be avoided. Add in various societal forces beyond your capacity to control and how at the mercy of them you are. Then how much is life solely what you make it? Throw in some ravaging illness atop that then life gets further reduced to limiting factors and base survival. Wind up in an abusive situation or be born into one and life is then what someone else makes it. Long after you escape what they made your mind can still live with you. On a psychological level we are also shaped by the people most in our lives and hell sometimes is most definitely other people. Some of those people we don't even see, viewing us as only existing as numbers on a spreadsheet to them. Numbers don't scream, beg or plead and have no consequence to them.
Life is what you make it. It is such a shit phrase, sounds wise but is ultimately empty, offers nothing, and certainly doesn't help with any pain you are actually in.
