shrusho
Member
- Nov 28, 2021
- 28
I'm out of the house living with my boyfriend, who I love more than anyone could possibly love anything ever. I'm not around people I hate anymore and I have time now to work on my passions and cook healthy food and generally my life is great. Sanctioned suicide doesn't even come up first in my searchbar when i type 's' anymore, coz i haven't felt the urge to write on here for months. and honestly, my current situation is better than i was hoping for, but i've come to the realization that this feeling that I've held onto since I was 10 will last forever.
I will never feel like normal people do and I will always have this shadow looming over me, I will never feel whole and I will never be satistfied with who I am and I will never ever be fully happy even though I want to so bad. Things are better but they will never be as good as they would be had I just not been turned into the kind of person that I am. I can want to live for other people and I can enjoy my time and I can do these things that i enjoy doing but im always going to want to kill myself when I look in the mirror and I still want to hurt myself from time to time just to feel something.
And I guess i'm living with that fact now, I can't even say im unhappy or that my life still sucks even though these feelings r so strong, i see them as just a part of me and although that is frustrating at times its not something i can genuinely say makes my quality of life horrible. in fact it makes things easier knowing that when bad things happen im not impacted by them as much since im always cool with the idea of jumping out my window if i get tired of living ! i havent cried in ages and thats new for me - I guess i didn't expect myself to make it this far in life, i had always planned to die before any major life responibilites were lumped onto me so i know younger me would be shocked to hear how well im doing. and maybe future me will feel the same and maybe someday itll have been years since i last seriously considered killing myself :/ until then i guess i will jsut continue floating through this experience that i never expected i'd be around for, and maybe actually planning a future instead of just giving up on things assuming ill be dead too soon to act on it
I will never feel like normal people do and I will always have this shadow looming over me, I will never feel whole and I will never be satistfied with who I am and I will never ever be fully happy even though I want to so bad. Things are better but they will never be as good as they would be had I just not been turned into the kind of person that I am. I can want to live for other people and I can enjoy my time and I can do these things that i enjoy doing but im always going to want to kill myself when I look in the mirror and I still want to hurt myself from time to time just to feel something.
And I guess i'm living with that fact now, I can't even say im unhappy or that my life still sucks even though these feelings r so strong, i see them as just a part of me and although that is frustrating at times its not something i can genuinely say makes my quality of life horrible. in fact it makes things easier knowing that when bad things happen im not impacted by them as much since im always cool with the idea of jumping out my window if i get tired of living ! i havent cried in ages and thats new for me - I guess i didn't expect myself to make it this far in life, i had always planned to die before any major life responibilites were lumped onto me so i know younger me would be shocked to hear how well im doing. and maybe future me will feel the same and maybe someday itll have been years since i last seriously considered killing myself :/ until then i guess i will jsut continue floating through this experience that i never expected i'd be around for, and maybe actually planning a future instead of just giving up on things assuming ill be dead too soon to act on it
