Venting Life is only getting worse - ed recovery

[mistakemoon]

I've spent this year very isolated only going to school when I could mentally handle it and going to the grocery store with my mom to help her carry the groceries. For the part of this year that has passed I spent everyday struggling with an eating disorder everyday revolved around counting down until I could eat again. I'd either restrict or binge and purge by vomiting, this was my original plan of how I was supposed to die by slowly intentionally destroying my body but after not being able to leave the binge purge cycle I gave up one month ago and decided I'll recover bc it got too exhausting. Now I'm in the recovery process and have gained a very big amount I actually mean it, it's not me being delusional bc of my disordered it's actually a big amount of weight in just the span of a month bc it happened so rapidly I wasn't able to mentally prepare and I'm struggling an insane amount mentally. In this month of recovery the only place I've been able to go to has been the gym but today I couldn't even do that and it absolutely disturbs me. I know it won't get better and will most likely only get worse bc that's how it's already going and if that's what life is destined to be like for me then I don't see a point of it. I'm starting to regret not having continued my disordered behaviors and just letting myself die no matter how painful it would've been. Now I can't even make myself go back to those behaviors bc I'm scared that will only make things worse when it comes to ed recovery. I'm going to wait before I make any decisions on if I should CTB the worse I get mentally the better since it will be easier to do. If I'm doing bad enough mentally no matter how painful it will be I think I'd be able to go through with it. A few minutes of pain are okay since I won't feel anything afterwards it won't matter and I'll be free from the miserable life I'm living.

 

[celest]

I feel so much empathy for you. Eds are a living hell. I had days of not eating and times where I'd literally get sick because of too much food. I've been this way ever since I was a kid and it ruined everything about me. I understand your feelings and never regret choosing recovery. It's unlikely that the bulimia was gonna kill you anyway it just makes the suffering worse. Don't beat yourself up for gaining weight and remember whatever your decision is recovery will help you in the meantime. I'd like to pm you about a couple things and resources that helped me if you don't mind

 

[mistakemoon]

I feel so much empathy for you. Eds are a living hell. I had days of not eating and times where I'd literally get sick because of too much food. I've been this way ever since I was a kid and it ruined everything about me. I understand your feelings and never regret choosing recovery. It's unlikely that the bulimia was gonna kill you anyway it just makes the suffering worse. Don't beat yourself up for gaining weight and remember whatever your decision is recovery will help you in the meantime. I'd like to pm you about a couple things and resources that helped me if you don't mind I'd appreciate that

I'd rlly appreciate that<3

 

[peelingbananas]

I've spent this year very isolated only going to school when I could mentally handle it and going to the grocery store with my mom to help her carry the groceries. For the part of this year that has passed I spent everyday struggling with an eating disorder everyday revolved around counting down until I could eat again. I'd either restrict or binge and purge by vomiting, this was my original plan of how I was supposed to die by slowly intentionally destroying my body but after not being able to leave the binge purge cycle I gave up one month ago and decided I'll recover bc it got too exhausting. Now I'm in the recovery process and have gained a very big amount I actually mean it, it's not me being delusional bc of my disordered it's actually a big amount of weight in just the span of a month bc it happened so rapidly I wasn't able to mentally prepare and I'm struggling an insane amount mentally. In this month of recovery the only place I've been able to go to has been the gym but today I couldn't even do that and it absolutely disturbs me. I know it won't get better and will most likely only get worse bc that's how it's already going and if that's what life is destined to be like for me then I don't see a point of it. I'm starting to regret not having continued my disordered behaviors and just letting myself die no matter how painful it would've been. Now I can't even make myself go back to those behaviors bc I'm scared that will only make things worse when it comes to ed recovery. I'm going to wait before I make any decisions on if I should CTB the worse I get mentally the better since it will be easier to do. If I'm doing bad enough mentally no matter how painful it will be I think I'd be able to go through with it. A few minutes of pain are okay since I won't feel anything afterwards it won't matter and I'll be free from the miserable life I'm living.

from what i'm reading, you probably shouldn't cbt. if you're on any sort of road to recovery i would wait to see how that turns out. time is everything.