Venting Life is just falling apart...

[HumanoidMonster]

I have been suicidal for years now. After recovering from my last attempt it seemed things were going to be alright. I wrapped up the school year with okay grades, I started a new diet that's doing miracles about my hatred for my own body, yet... everything feels so hopeless. We live in a world lacerated by wars, greed, violence and corruption, and, on top of that, my life feels so desolate, and I feel hollow on the inside. My autism has caused me to feel less like a human and more like a mockery of what people are: just a humanoid monster trying to blend in with the humans, but failing to do so. I have fallen back into the suicide spiral, and the way it happened is comparable to slipping down the slipperiest of slopes: first I stopped enjoying anything I'd do during the day, then I started - out of curiosity - seeing if stuff like SN or N were still easily available, but the catalyst was when I seemingly found a source for SN, point at which I just stopped slipping down only because I struck rock bottom. Now I'm an uncanny state of mind where I feel like I want to go through with it, but at the same time I'm scared of stuff like the source being a scam, the purchase not going well, my parents finding out, not having the right conditions (place, time, whatever) to go for it without being found. I started "panic-researching" other methods, and the only other one I could find that might work involves stuff like ammonia(?) and gardening products for preventing the growth of mushrooms. I'm just so scared and on the verge of losing it, but, one positive thing about being back in this bad place, is the fact that the mere thought of possibly having the chance of pulling the plug on myself makes me feel like I'm buried alive but with a tiny hole from where sunlight pierces through. I have spent two weeks completely isolated, and that truly made me realize why humans are deemed "social animals". It got to a point where I need to listen to videos of people talking in order to drown out literal voices I hear in my head, and my parents say that sometimes I "act weird", saying that I start twitching, glancing around myself, and even bursting out into laughter. I do not want to be like this, not in front of my parents. But then, if I go out with people, I start feeling alone: it's like my brain can't decide whether it wants to be left alone to rot or stay with people. I hate all of this.
I don't think I want to live like this anymore.