I'm sick of doctors and i'm sick of people. Why can't everyone just do their jobs or quit? Why must everyone be so horrible? They don't show the slightest bit of initiative. Guy insults me for no reason and claims I'm not doing tests properly intentionally. Everyone is guessing and prescribing random drugs. Even though they can, they won't do the obvious examinations that they should do. All symptoms match, but it doesn't matter. You have to ask yourself and then it turns out it's impossible anyway since there's no medical equipment or spots open, even if you have to pay out of pocket. Even if you are dying they will send you home and say nothing's wrong.
It's not just doctors. My mother has no clue what's going on in this family. People in my family have zero foresight and don't see everything falling apart and their inevitable future as homeless hobos or dying in hospitals. Ignorance and low intelligence. This whole family is a joke with no future. It stopped being funny a long time ago though. Nobody in my family will survive 5 years.
Next door, there is a guy who constantly shouts like he's got anger problems. Below, there is a schizophrenic that keeps arguing with a non-existing opponent. When I walk the streets, I've been asked 5 times by someone if they can beat me up. Once i got punched in the back of the head and barely managed to escape home. I see physically sick people, people in wheelchairs, blind people, homeless, alcohol addicts, people shouting at their children, people stressed out of their mind, people shouting constantly.
In the past 2 months, i started going doctor to doctor and finding out problems. Suddenly 8-9/10 times there are problems, but doctors still claim the problem is in my head. In the past month, there hasn't been a day where I haven't suffered physically from this or other symptoms. It never ends, and keeps multiplying. I can't count the problems I have anymore, and they expect me to treat it. I would need to take 20 medications daily and do 50 more tests to find out what's wrong with me. When they claim it's neurosis, it's just a matter of doing more precise tests and it turns out something is really wrong.
I'm broke, financially, physically, and mentally. In debt and addicted. Everyone acts like it's okay to live in this world. I don't even have the words to describe it. I lost everything, my will to do anything. I lie in my bed scared of choking to death, or going from doctor to doctor, endlessly suffering. This is the lowest point of my pathetic life. I can't function, I can't live, I can't think. I've been near the train tracks again, sadly no train was running at the time. Even if I have to crawl there I'll do it. After experiencing what I did, i don't even think much about physical pain of dying. Every day feels like more pain than dying would bring. Just the mental barrier is left. If I don't die before that I'm going to finish this in 1-2 months. I've been burning bridges and there's no way back.
When you combine mental and physical problems, it's more than most people would be able to handle. Pile on top all my other problems and probably even a serious therapist would understand that i'm done for. But to be honest, it was just random 'luck' that I lasted this long. I remember dropping out at 18 and thinking it was gonna be homelessness and cbt back then. Miraculously I managed to make money but spending it all on psychiatric treatments yielded no effects, i am not fit to live in this world. Ridiculed by everybody, suffering pointlessly. I think I told my psychiatrist and therapist like a year ago that I'm past my mental limit. I felt it vividly, that i went past my mental capacity. I wish I had lost my mind and finished this 10 years ago. Until teenage years, I was clueless about myself and the world, not even noticing others and real life. It was still better than trying to live this life. Then I realized how things are and it's been a downward spiral that has no end to it.There practically is no bottom in life, there is always more, worse illnesses, worse problems, pain which a normal person can't even imagine in their nightmares and couldn't stand for a day.
Everything's burned and I'm stripped of my agency of choice. It's either death or homelessness/prison/hospital/psychiatric hospital. I don't need feelings anymore and i wish i could get rid of them. Taking xanax doesn't help much anymore, since my problems extrapolated 10 times. I don't know if there are strong enough drugs to numb feelings of someone in such a situation.
It turned out be a nearly 1000 word essay. I don't know why I'm writing this, but it's the last place I bother visiting. I don't fit in anywhere else, since these places are about living, and I don't have anything to do with life anymore.
It's not just doctors. My mother has no clue what's going on in this family. People in my family have zero foresight and don't see everything falling apart and their inevitable future as homeless hobos or dying in hospitals. Ignorance and low intelligence. This whole family is a joke with no future. It stopped being funny a long time ago though. Nobody in my family will survive 5 years.
Next door, there is a guy who constantly shouts like he's got anger problems. Below, there is a schizophrenic that keeps arguing with a non-existing opponent. When I walk the streets, I've been asked 5 times by someone if they can beat me up. Once i got punched in the back of the head and barely managed to escape home. I see physically sick people, people in wheelchairs, blind people, homeless, alcohol addicts, people shouting at their children, people stressed out of their mind, people shouting constantly.
In the past 2 months, i started going doctor to doctor and finding out problems. Suddenly 8-9/10 times there are problems, but doctors still claim the problem is in my head. In the past month, there hasn't been a day where I haven't suffered physically from this or other symptoms. It never ends, and keeps multiplying. I can't count the problems I have anymore, and they expect me to treat it. I would need to take 20 medications daily and do 50 more tests to find out what's wrong with me. When they claim it's neurosis, it's just a matter of doing more precise tests and it turns out something is really wrong.
I'm broke, financially, physically, and mentally. In debt and addicted. Everyone acts like it's okay to live in this world. I don't even have the words to describe it. I lost everything, my will to do anything. I lie in my bed scared of choking to death, or going from doctor to doctor, endlessly suffering. This is the lowest point of my pathetic life. I can't function, I can't live, I can't think. I've been near the train tracks again, sadly no train was running at the time. Even if I have to crawl there I'll do it. After experiencing what I did, i don't even think much about physical pain of dying. Every day feels like more pain than dying would bring. Just the mental barrier is left. If I don't die before that I'm going to finish this in 1-2 months. I've been burning bridges and there's no way back.
When you combine mental and physical problems, it's more than most people would be able to handle. Pile on top all my other problems and probably even a serious therapist would understand that i'm done for. But to be honest, it was just random 'luck' that I lasted this long. I remember dropping out at 18 and thinking it was gonna be homelessness and cbt back then. Miraculously I managed to make money but spending it all on psychiatric treatments yielded no effects, i am not fit to live in this world. Ridiculed by everybody, suffering pointlessly. I think I told my psychiatrist and therapist like a year ago that I'm past my mental limit. I felt it vividly, that i went past my mental capacity. I wish I had lost my mind and finished this 10 years ago. Until teenage years, I was clueless about myself and the world, not even noticing others and real life. It was still better than trying to live this life. Then I realized how things are and it's been a downward spiral that has no end to it.There practically is no bottom in life, there is always more, worse illnesses, worse problems, pain which a normal person can't even imagine in their nightmares and couldn't stand for a day.
Everything's burned and I'm stripped of my agency of choice. It's either death or homelessness/prison/hospital/psychiatric hospital. I don't need feelings anymore and i wish i could get rid of them. Taking xanax doesn't help much anymore, since my problems extrapolated 10 times. I don't know if there are strong enough drugs to numb feelings of someone in such a situation.
It turned out be a nearly 1000 word essay. I don't know why I'm writing this, but it's the last place I bother visiting. I don't fit in anywhere else, since these places are about living, and I don't have anything to do with life anymore.
