Life is a game that I'm tired of playing and never asked to play. I desperately want to CTB some days like today, but on the days where I want to CTB, I always constantly think about who I'd hurt. Who I'd devastate. And it gives me pause. Plus I have a genuine apathy to most things, including planning my own CTB and as many on here know, an unplanned CTB attempt is a recipe for disaster.
I feel like shit, my appetite has plummeted and what little I have ate so far, I'm so nauseous that I'm not even sure if I'll be able to keep it down even though I'm trying to. I have classes that I have to go to today but I'll just go there, learn some stupid shit, and go back home.
They processed a drop request today but informed me I have a health services hold on my account because I haven't provided any proof of vaccinations or anything, which wasn't mentioned at any point during the registration process, mind you. Now I need to somehow get these 2 doses of 2 different vaccines because I don't have my childhood records to know what I've gotten and what I didn't get. I tried calling my mom but no answer so far.
I just feel alone and stressed right now. I'm getting dangerously close to missing assignments because I push them off until last minute, especially recently. It's not like the summer is much of a break either. I'm currently internship hunting and if that doesn't work out, I'll have to get a job because I have bills and rent to pay. If it does work out, I might still have to move and somehow help my girlfriend at the same time because we need to keep our apartment but can't make rent alone and only half of the internships I'm applying to can be commuting or remote.
There's just so much on my fucking shoulders right now, and on top of everything else, I feel major imposter syndrome being around all of these people who learn CS in school and their free time, have these awesome projects, have an idea of what career they want. Hell, one guy I saw was in a club which is building a whole app based on parking for the college! What the actual fuck! I wouldn't even know where to begin on that.
Ugh, I'm just so exhausted and starting to burn out with college. Only 3 semesters after this one (hopefully, that's if I keep a heavy course load. Might have to delay it, in which case probably 4 or 5).
Literally the ONLY thing I'm looking forward to at this fucking college right now is a rock climbing class I signed up for which is next week. It's the only thing.
Sorry this is just a big word vomit. I just wanted to talk about what's going on in my life and vent a little. There's not huge talk of CTB so I didn't think it was fitting in the suicide discussion forum, so here I am in off-topic!
I feel like shit, my appetite has plummeted and what little I have ate so far, I'm so nauseous that I'm not even sure if I'll be able to keep it down even though I'm trying to. I have classes that I have to go to today but I'll just go there, learn some stupid shit, and go back home.
They processed a drop request today but informed me I have a health services hold on my account because I haven't provided any proof of vaccinations or anything, which wasn't mentioned at any point during the registration process, mind you. Now I need to somehow get these 2 doses of 2 different vaccines because I don't have my childhood records to know what I've gotten and what I didn't get. I tried calling my mom but no answer so far.
I just feel alone and stressed right now. I'm getting dangerously close to missing assignments because I push them off until last minute, especially recently. It's not like the summer is much of a break either. I'm currently internship hunting and if that doesn't work out, I'll have to get a job because I have bills and rent to pay. If it does work out, I might still have to move and somehow help my girlfriend at the same time because we need to keep our apartment but can't make rent alone and only half of the internships I'm applying to can be commuting or remote.
There's just so much on my fucking shoulders right now, and on top of everything else, I feel major imposter syndrome being around all of these people who learn CS in school and their free time, have these awesome projects, have an idea of what career they want. Hell, one guy I saw was in a club which is building a whole app based on parking for the college! What the actual fuck! I wouldn't even know where to begin on that.
Ugh, I'm just so exhausted and starting to burn out with college. Only 3 semesters after this one (hopefully, that's if I keep a heavy course load. Might have to delay it, in which case probably 4 or 5).
Literally the ONLY thing I'm looking forward to at this fucking college right now is a rock climbing class I signed up for which is next week. It's the only thing.
Sorry this is just a big word vomit. I just wanted to talk about what's going on in my life and vent a little. There's not huge talk of CTB so I didn't think it was fitting in the suicide discussion forum, so here I am in off-topic!
