Everytime I think it can't possibly get worse, it does. When I came here investigating methods a few weeks ago, I was actively suicidal but still somewhat able to function/take care of myself (I have very severe CFS). As a way to manage my 'crashes', I was taking benzodiazepines to sleep; I'd never really used them, and they actually had a pretty profound energizing and anti-inflammatory effect, and I guess were emotionally shielding me from having to actually CTB.
With my condition, and also living in an abusive/highly stressful home environment, I really just focus on getting through each day. Unfortunately, I developed a tolerance to the benzos, and now, because my gut health is so poor, taking one before bed actually makes me feel *worse* because I seem to react to the fillers (lactose, starch etc.). I've now also developed akathisia for whatever reason (maybe due to lowering the dose to prevent running out), so on top of being bedridden, I'm tortured by restlessness 24/7. My life is actually the epitome of a living hell.
I have SN and anti-emetics. My original plan kept being to fast late at night, then go take the SN across the road at an abandoned house, where I would be isolated. There were a few nights where this would have been possible, but my akathisia is worst before bed and I feared taking the meto and getting even more agitated etc. and messing up my attempt, so I'd always just put it off. I also more likely put it off because in reality I'm terrified of dying.
I sleep really poorly (wake up every few hours) but my akathisia isn't much of an issue for about 4-6 hours after I go to sleep, because I guess the measly benzo dose still protects against it, so attempting when I wake up in bed would be most convenient because I have all the supplies (including measuring stuff etc.) right by my bed. Unfortunately, my mom works from home during the day; I've played white noise loudly and 'fake vomited' as a test, and she comes running up immediately each time, so unfortunately it doesn't mask the sound.
I don't know what to do. I literally don't think I can survive one more day like this -- I'm spending hours on end alone in darkness, tortured by this akathisia etc. And now my mental/physical functioning is declining, fasting at night is too difficult. I've just completely lost the will to live, and rightly so I guess -- and by the 'will', I mean, no desire to function on any level (use the bathroom, eat etc.).
I know no one can tell me what to do, and no matter what I will never want to die deep down. But this isn't an existence. I have been genuinely considering just going ahead and taking the SN, possibly tomorrow morning while my mom is home anyway. I am not sure what level of retardation this would be, considering my 'white noise' tests, though I have two anti-emetics (Meto and Zofran), so perhaps there is a chance I won't vomit. However, if I fail, I am fucked on every single level. Firstly, because my mom runs a daycare at home, so I would be doing this with children around. Secondly, because after my 'cry for help' a few weeks ago, I had to regain my parents trust and they have somehow deluded themselves into thinking that -- after years of profound abuse/neglect which destroyed my health permanently -- that things are going to be okay now. So they would completely disown me.
I just feel so helpless that I want to scream. I wouldn't even be able to go to hospital and get any kind of help at this point because my health is so damaged, and I know I'd get thrown into a psych ward and very likely die; when I was in there two weeks ago, they didn't believe the stuff about food intolerances, med intolerances etc.. And with the rate my health is deteriorating, I'm likely to die too which I would be fine with letting happen, but again that wouldn't be pleasant So I'm screwed no matter what.
I don't know, I know a lot of people are in shitty situations here, but I genuinely couldn't imagine one much worse than mine, to be honest. I'm completely disabled, under constant watch, couldn't even survive in a ward (where I'd happily go 'chill' for a break). And I have this huge dread that even if I can overcome the insurmountable fear/SI of actually drinking the SN, I might instantly vomit/fail, which would put me in an even new level of hell. Because I can't think of anyway it could be made to look accidental?
With my condition, and also living in an abusive/highly stressful home environment, I really just focus on getting through each day. Unfortunately, I developed a tolerance to the benzos, and now, because my gut health is so poor, taking one before bed actually makes me feel *worse* because I seem to react to the fillers (lactose, starch etc.). I've now also developed akathisia for whatever reason (maybe due to lowering the dose to prevent running out), so on top of being bedridden, I'm tortured by restlessness 24/7. My life is actually the epitome of a living hell.
I have SN and anti-emetics. My original plan kept being to fast late at night, then go take the SN across the road at an abandoned house, where I would be isolated. There were a few nights where this would have been possible, but my akathisia is worst before bed and I feared taking the meto and getting even more agitated etc. and messing up my attempt, so I'd always just put it off. I also more likely put it off because in reality I'm terrified of dying.
I sleep really poorly (wake up every few hours) but my akathisia isn't much of an issue for about 4-6 hours after I go to sleep, because I guess the measly benzo dose still protects against it, so attempting when I wake up in bed would be most convenient because I have all the supplies (including measuring stuff etc.) right by my bed. Unfortunately, my mom works from home during the day; I've played white noise loudly and 'fake vomited' as a test, and she comes running up immediately each time, so unfortunately it doesn't mask the sound.
I don't know what to do. I literally don't think I can survive one more day like this -- I'm spending hours on end alone in darkness, tortured by this akathisia etc. And now my mental/physical functioning is declining, fasting at night is too difficult. I've just completely lost the will to live, and rightly so I guess -- and by the 'will', I mean, no desire to function on any level (use the bathroom, eat etc.).
I know no one can tell me what to do, and no matter what I will never want to die deep down. But this isn't an existence. I have been genuinely considering just going ahead and taking the SN, possibly tomorrow morning while my mom is home anyway. I am not sure what level of retardation this would be, considering my 'white noise' tests, though I have two anti-emetics (Meto and Zofran), so perhaps there is a chance I won't vomit. However, if I fail, I am fucked on every single level. Firstly, because my mom runs a daycare at home, so I would be doing this with children around. Secondly, because after my 'cry for help' a few weeks ago, I had to regain my parents trust and they have somehow deluded themselves into thinking that -- after years of profound abuse/neglect which destroyed my health permanently -- that things are going to be okay now. So they would completely disown me.
I just feel so helpless that I want to scream. I wouldn't even be able to go to hospital and get any kind of help at this point because my health is so damaged, and I know I'd get thrown into a psych ward and very likely die; when I was in there two weeks ago, they didn't believe the stuff about food intolerances, med intolerances etc.. And with the rate my health is deteriorating, I'm likely to die too which I would be fine with letting happen, but again that wouldn't be pleasant So I'm screwed no matter what.
I don't know, I know a lot of people are in shitty situations here, but I genuinely couldn't imagine one much worse than mine, to be honest. I'm completely disabled, under constant watch, couldn't even survive in a ward (where I'd happily go 'chill' for a break). And I have this huge dread that even if I can overcome the insurmountable fear/SI of actually drinking the SN, I might instantly vomit/fail, which would put me in an even new level of hell. Because I can't think of anyway it could be made to look accidental?
