nuggetfinder
Member
- Sep 15, 2025
- 18
This is just a vent so read if you're nosey LMAO.
My life has not been fun, it's been filled with instability and back to back trauma that feels never ending. I've experienced basically every type of abuse there is. When I was 6 years old my password on my tablet was 'ihatemylife' My first attempt was when I was 9, it was a silly one but there was a note and everything. Is it crazy that I think my child self would be disappointed that I'm still alive?
I'm certainly disappointed. I didn't expect to make it this far, and I'm not really pleased about it.
With my financial problems leaving me stuck in poverty with an alcoholic father, the world just getting worse in so many ways, and recently being diagnosed with a chronic illness having motivation to live just feels silly at this point. I really hope my next attempt goes smoothly, ive been exhausted my entire life and I can't see it getting better. I've tried getting better but everytime I do I just get hit with another case of something unfortunate happening. It's like I'm in an neverending game of torture with no way out, or no way to win.
I admire those who want to get better, but I don't think that could be me at this point. Everytime I see news of someone passing away (especially if they weren't ready) I automatically wish that it was me instead. I always think that it should've been me. I've been battling my depression since I was a child and I'm ready to let it win.
Why fight for a life ive never wanted? It's childish but sometimes I also wish I could just pass in my sleep, it would make things so much easier. But instead I'm tweaking my main attempt method and making sure that it leaves me with the smallest chance of survival.
I'm drained, and my will to live is in the gutter. The obvious cries of help I've been giving to my loved ones do nothing too. Maybe that's selfish though, I doubt that anything could make me change my mind about my decision. All it makes me think about is the fact that no one truly cares until you're dead (as corny as it sounds lol) I already started writing my farewell letters anyways.
My life has not been fun, it's been filled with instability and back to back trauma that feels never ending. I've experienced basically every type of abuse there is. When I was 6 years old my password on my tablet was 'ihatemylife' My first attempt was when I was 9, it was a silly one but there was a note and everything. Is it crazy that I think my child self would be disappointed that I'm still alive?
I'm certainly disappointed. I didn't expect to make it this far, and I'm not really pleased about it.
With my financial problems leaving me stuck in poverty with an alcoholic father, the world just getting worse in so many ways, and recently being diagnosed with a chronic illness having motivation to live just feels silly at this point. I really hope my next attempt goes smoothly, ive been exhausted my entire life and I can't see it getting better. I've tried getting better but everytime I do I just get hit with another case of something unfortunate happening. It's like I'm in an neverending game of torture with no way out, or no way to win.
I admire those who want to get better, but I don't think that could be me at this point. Everytime I see news of someone passing away (especially if they weren't ready) I automatically wish that it was me instead. I always think that it should've been me. I've been battling my depression since I was a child and I'm ready to let it win.
Why fight for a life ive never wanted? It's childish but sometimes I also wish I could just pass in my sleep, it would make things so much easier. But instead I'm tweaking my main attempt method and making sure that it leaves me with the smallest chance of survival.
I'm drained, and my will to live is in the gutter. The obvious cries of help I've been giving to my loved ones do nothing too. Maybe that's selfish though, I doubt that anything could make me change my mind about my decision. All it makes me think about is the fact that no one truly cares until you're dead (as corny as it sounds lol) I already started writing my farewell letters anyways.
