Venting "Life gets better"

[sadgirl2002]

I'm sure like others on here, I've been amongst people telling me that life will get better and that everything happens for a good reason. It's all a bunch of lies they tell you. I think about my life and how it's been nothing but pain and suffering, constantly. I remember being a child and I had no hope whatsoever, I was living in the moment where my family and home broke down. Next, I begin high school and I was hated, bullied and teased by everyone and I had to endure all of that for a good five years. Being picked last for PE was always the worst fucking feeling. I'm literally getting the flashback right now. I had a best friend, more like my sister honestly. Throughout high school, it was me and her, whilst friends came into our lives and left. At the end of high school, I thought maybe it was telling us that it's always and only meant to be us two since it all began with the two of us being together. Throughout my teen years, I thought it would get better regarding my family. I would always have these visions of me, my mother and father being a happy family. I didn't get that. I would imagine myself having loads of friends and being really pretty. I didn't get that either. I would have visions of me having love in my life and being married, I can't get that either. And with everything, I thought me and my best friend/sister would be together forever. I didn't just think that, I knew it. Yet, she ended up betraying me and ruining my life for some boyfriend of hers. I met a beautiful soul on here before my ctb date and I ended up being in love with him. Then, he left me. My life has been nothing but full of hope and despair and it ends with despair and misery. I have nothing left of me. Everybody has gone away from me and I'm all alone. I spent all those years, thinking it'll get better, but as each day that passed and all the years that went by, it got worse and everything was taken away from me. I'm 20 now and I refuse to believe the lies.

 

[Empty Smile]

"My life has been nothing but full of hope and despair and it ends with despair and misery."

I have nothing to add to this statement. You said it perfectly.

 

[Dawn0071111]

Holy shit...I relate to you story so much... like your telling my life then at the end you said your 20! Dang..... to experince so much horror & agony only so young. Im twice your age 40 and Im done for sure. Yes, technically life can get better, but here is the catch... you have to be well enough and morivayed enough to put in the effort to facilitate things getting better... i personally do not have either. I am in true "throw in the towel" mode... there is no way at my age Imgoing to start working on myself.... my personality, beliefs, mental illness have solidified.. it too late (even though they always say it never is, but fuck them I decide when its too late). Are you sure its over? At 20 your core is still maleable enough that there might be some leverage left, because not so much time has passed for all your trauma, abuse, pain, and suffering to harden you... thus causing you to perpetuate a cycle of suffering like how it was in my life. I wish i had intervention & real help when i was 20. But at 40? Nah.... too much time for shit to get deeply ingrained. Anyway... Im so sorry for the miserable citcumstances u had and how deeply it all affected your beautiful soul. ... do you think you want it to get better? Or are u done?

 

[sadgirl2002]

Holy shit...I relate to you story so much... like your telling my life then at the end you said your 20! Dang..... to experince so much horror & agony only so young. Im twice your age 40 and Im done for sure. Yes, technically life can get better, but here is the catch... you have to be well enough and morivayed enough to put in the effort to facilitate things getting better... i personally do not have either. I am in true "throw in the towel" mode... there is no way at my age Imgoing to start working on myself.... my personality, beliefs, mental illness have solidified.. it too late (even though they always say it never is, but fuck them I decide when its too late). Are you sure its over? At 20 your core is still maleable enough that there might be some leverage left, because not so much time has passed for all your trauma, abuse, pain, and suffering to harden you... thus causing you to perpetuate a cycle of suffering like how it was in my life. I wish i had intervention & real help when i was 20. But at 40? Nah.... too much time for shit to get deeply ingrained. Anyway... Im so sorry for the miserable citcumstances u had and how deeply it all affected your beautiful soul. ... do you think you want it to get better? Or are u done?

I don't know what the hell I did to deserve any of it. I was such a kind, gentle and good-hearted person but all that shit had to happen to me. I don't think life can get better for me, I'm so tired of everything. You're right but for that statement, what if I don't want to put the effort? If I told someone that, they would really think I'm idiotic but honestly, why should I? If anyone lived my life and if they spent a day in my shoes, they would've killed themself by now. I've been able to relate to a lot of your posts. I laughed when you said "fuck them, I decide when it's too late" because you're absolutely right! I hate it when people tell me what to do and how to feel. Sadly, even though I have the strong URGE to kill myself, I'm an idiot. I could've killed myself last year in September... I had the rope, setup, I was ready. But God, the universe, whoever or whatever the fuck is controlling everything or whatever; brought the ideal and perfect soul into my life, the one I've spent all my teenage years waiting for. He had everything I ever wanted and he's the only one who does. I don't know why the hell God or whatever brought him into my life just before I was about to ctb. The stupid love I had for him, made me stay alive because I couldn't leave him here. He has no one and I'm constantly paranoid and worried that he will come back after I've killed myself. I wish someone would stab me to death or if my death was in someone's hands so I won't feel any guilt. It's so fucking hard to hold on, my stupid heart is killing me. I get so angry at times, thinking about the universe bringing the one thing I've ever wanted, just when I was about to leave this world. I wish I could kill myself, I really want to. I've never wanted to live, ever! I don't think I can be changed, my heart is dead. I've become a horrible person for the past two years and I can't be good anymore. I'm sorry for everything you've been through, I've seen your posts and it saddens me a lot and I can relate to it. Like I've said before, you can always PM me because we have a lot of similarities in terms of bad experiences. Somebody, please kill me. I'm an idiot, I have the money for N, I could easily kill myself but this stupid love I feel won't even let me!! I have no hope it will get better, I'm just stupid. I have silly hope he will come back, I know if he does, I'll finally be happy. If he doesn't, I know what I have to do...

 

[Hexen]

I have been told the same thing and here I am. People want to help and say something helpful I get it but Jesus christ...